Less is More: Coffee Meets Bagel

While living in Beijing for first half of the year, I kept hearing about this new dating site that I was missing out on back in NYC.  In fact, Chinese people couldn’t stop tweeting about it, disappointed that they couldn’t try it out first hand.  So, I had to see what all the fuss was about and was lucky enough to interview co-founder Dawoon Kang.  Coffee Meets Bagel is name of the site.  And I have to say: simply brilliant.

Here’s how it works – 

1) You sign up using your Facebook account, with a couple simple questions and some are already auto-filled.

2) The magical algorithm will do its job to dig into your friends’ inventory of friends, collecting your potential matches.

3) At noon every day, you’re given one choice (aka Bagel), and you can either LIKE or PASS.

4) If you both choose LIKE, you’ll be notified and it’s up to you two to take it from there!

Here’s why I think it’s dope:

• Less is more.  You’re only given one choice a day.  I recently watched a TED talk from Sheena Iyengar called “How to make choosing easier.”  Basically she talks about how the more options we’re presented with, the less we’re able to make confident decisions, leading to higher chances of buyer’s remorse.  Well, the same goes for online dating.  Remember my post on The Curse of the Buffet (lots of titties in case you’re easily offended by funbags)?  The reason why people get so burnt out by online dating is that it’s hard to focus on the matches, when you’re busy thinking about what other matches may be out there.  Also, after looking at gazillion profiles, they all mush together.
• Less creepy.  You and your matches will have friends in common.  This technically makes them AND YOU less creepy, even if you’re creeper-certified.  According to the site, people are 37% more likely to date someone if they have Facebook friends in common.
• Instant dating resume (possibly).  Sometimes dating gets difficult when you meet a rando at a bar and you have no idea what their story is.  So  meeting someone with friends in common gives you instant insights into this person’s history and dating patterns.
• Perfect for lazy people.  Let’s face it.  You’re lazy.  It probably took you lots of energy to read up to here.  Now all you need to do is lift a finger to press LIKE or PASS once every day.  Takes less effort than taking a shit.

Bad news bears:

• Rejection on the spot.  Rejection is a lot easier when it’s from strangers who never return your emails.  But it may be a little tricky when it’s a friend of a friend who chose PASS on your mug.  Don’t worry, if you ever meet this person out, just get really really really drunk.
• Available only in NYC and Boston.  But don’t worry, they’re expanding quicker than you can bitch about it.
• Matches not ideal.  In order to appear as one of your Bagels, that person would’ve had to sign up, too.  This obviously limits your matches to people who 1) have heard about the site and 2) are willing to put themselves out there forgoing the anonymity they get from traditional dating sites.  But if they value their anonymity so much, they might also be at home collecting human skin and snorting bath salts.  Just sayin’.

Overall, you don’t have much to lose with Coffee Meets Bagel.  Quite a few of my friends and clients have signed up for it.  So far, nobody’s found their dreamboat, but at least they’re having fun doing it.  Because after all, isn’t that what dating should be about?  Having fun?  LIKE!

And just some random facts about how your college affects your dating experience (according to the Coffee Meets Bagel blog):

Miss Singlefied recommends the book: Around the world in 80 Girls: The epic 3 year trip of a backpacking Casanova

The Art of Conversation II: Can You Hear Me Now?

Last week, we looked at the overall goal of conversations: view every conversation as an adventure.  Now, to some technical stuff, starting with DEEP LISTENING.

Before you tell me you think you’re a great listener, think again.  Most people think they’re listening when all they’re doing is going through the motions of listening (eye contact, nodding, pointed body language).  For example: think of a close friend.  Got it?  OK, now what does this person do for a living?  Can you describe his/her day-to-day?  Believe it or not, most people can’t answer this question.  It’s the “Chandler Effect” on Friends.  Remember?  The running joke was nobody knew what he did, but they remember bits and pieces.  The case is, when we think we’re listening, we’re only picking up on bits of pieces of the conversation.  That doesn’t make for a great conversationalist because you’re not absorbing comprehensive information that can feed into a better next topic.  So, here are some techniques for improving your deep listening skills.  Let’s say you’re getting to know a new girl:

• Take notes in your mind.  Before pen and paper, people used to memorize entire conversations or lectures.  We’re historically good listeners up until now with the ease of technology.  Go old school, and make a conscious effort to take mental notes.
• Paraphrase whenever appropriate.  Repeating back what you’ve heard is a great way to show her you’re listening but also a great way to change the topic if you’re totally bored.  Let’s say she’s been talking about her damn chihuahua fo’ eva now, you can try saying, “You obviously love your dog since you cook him organic chicken twice a week, but what is your favorite food?”
• Don’t cross your body.  Open body language not only makes it comfortable for the other person to divulge more info, but it’ll help you listen better.  When we cross our bodies (arms, legs, etc), we tend to be distracted by what we’re able to feel.  Meaning, let’s say you cross your arms, then your hands will play with your shoulders or side boob (and if you have side boobs, we should talk).  When your body language is open, you’re less distracted.
• Notice synchronization.  The tell-tale sign of someone who is truly listening is when movements become synchronized.  A study of a group of people at a dinner party revealed that when they were engaged in a great conversation, their eating behavior was in synch.  So throughout your conversation, do a quick checkpoint and notice if you’re starting to pick up your drink when she does, and vice versa.
• Lean in.  An observational study in a college classroom found that the professor lectured with confidence and witty humor while the class was leaned in; however, he became stiff and nervous when the students leaned back.  Unless if you just ate dog shit, it’s better to lean in and get “into” the conversation.
• Listen for inflections.  When her tone changes, it shows that she has a strong connection to whatever she’s talking about, even if it has to do with Kim Kardashian’s divorce.  When you hear changes in her inflections, take note.  Those are her hot buttons.

For this weekend, practice the following:

OPEN STANCE – Notice where people put their hands when conversing, and make a point to keep your hands at your side.

LEAN – Lean in to everybody you talk to.

I highly recommend this book by Dale Carnegie: How To Win Friends and Influence People

HOW TO: Spot Pussy Control (and Dick Control)

Gentlemen, there’s this fucked up thing that many of you like to do that I call “Dick Control.”  Don’t play coy, you know exactly what I mean.  Maybe you’re a little lonely, your girlfriend just dumped you, or you just got yelled at by your dickhead boss.  You need a little pick-me-up.  So, you flip through your mental rolodex of all your exes and ex-hookups.  Then you make a list of all the girls who you have the upper hand with.  The chick that wanted your babies?  Perfect.  The one that refused to change her Facebook relationship status a year after the break up?  Perfect.  Oh and the girl that threatened to cut herself if you ever left her?  Too perfect.

You now proceed with the low-hanging fruit.  Start with the girl that you know would pump up your ego in a hot second.  So, you make a little phone call…no…text instead, you don’t want to put too much effort into this, and suggest a casual meetup.  She just wet her pants.  You have no intentions of starting anything again but you know the least you’ll gain from this is a confidence boost.  And that’s exactly what she offers.  She tells you that you look great.  Notices you’re stressed and seems sincerely concerned.  She comforts you with her gentle caress.  And offers to make you feel better by picking up the tab and opening up her legs.  You leave her apartment feeling rejuvenated.  You won’t call her again for awhile, because it’s time to move to the next girl on your list.  You gotta keep these bitches in check by exercising Dick Control over them.

As much as we hate when you do this to us, we also do it to you.  It’s called “Pussy Control.”  And the funny thing is, the poor girl you have Dick Control over probably has Pussy Control over some poor guy.  It’s all part of a large fuck-over pyramid, but we’ll save that discussion for another time.  So, how can you spot Pussy Control?

1) She broke your heart.  It could be as deep as you were in love with her and she didn’t love you back, or as shallow as she was way out of your league and she knew it.  Either way, when you two had “relations,” she was the settler and you were the reacher.

2) She randomly contacts you.  It’ll seem totally out of the blue and she has no good reason other than, “just wanted to say hi.”  Unlike Dick Control, she won’t initiate a meetup, but she will somehow finagle you into asking her out.  Her: “Was just thinking about you and wanted to see how you’re doing.”  You: “Let’s catch up in person [and maybe you’ll take me back so I can prove to my friends that you aren’t a bitch].”

3) She only talks about herself.   This catchup session turns into a therapy session.  She tells you about her fight with her roommate, her promotion, what’s on her DVR, and her obsession with vanilla bean cupcakes.  She doesn’t care if she’s boring you because she knows she doesn’t have to impress you.  You’re perfectly happy just staring at her.

4) She fishes for compliments.  Her ego needs TLC right now so she’ll find every which way for your compliments (like how it was when you two were dating).  Maybe she’ll mention the new jeans that she’s wearing and she isn’t sure about the tightness of the fit.  In which you’ll reply that they look phenomenal on her [tight ass].  And she might throw in the fact that her new male co-worker always stops by her desk for small talk when all she wants is to get work done.  In which you’ll reply that the co-worker has a big crush on her [because any man would have a crush on her].  She may also tell you that she’s been taking boxing classes and her arms (as she holds them up) feel so sore.  In which you’ll tell her how great her arms look [and you want to see what the rest of the her body looks like…naked].

5) She avoids talking about her love life.  If you have enough balls to ask her about who she’s dating, she’ll beat around the bush and give you some vague answer like, “Nobody special, dating is exhausting.”  The truth is, she probably just got dumped by some guy or her crush just rejected her.  But she’ll want to make you think that you still have a chance, when in reality, you have no chance in hell.

6) She won’t commit to plans.   Now that you think you have her back in your life, you may want to ask her to hang out again.  Her answer will most likely be, “I’m about to get really busy at work, so hopefully in a couple weeks I’ll have more time.”  A busy girl will make time for the guy she likes.  This girl has no intentions of seeing you again in the near future.

7) She leaves things open ended.  Although she won’t commit to future plans, she doesn’t want to close the doors either.  This was a test to make sure she still has Pussy Control over you, but she’ll have to test you again in a couple months.  So while you guys say goodbye, she’ll tell you how great it is to catch up and how you should check out her boxing classes sometime.  Listen dude, she doesn’t really want you to check out her boxing classes but she wants to make you think she does.

Unlike Dick Control, Pussy Control is exercised when our romantic lives are not going well or we don’t feel physically attractive.  We may have 10,000 girlfriends telling us that we’re beautiful, smart and a great catch, but it doesn’t compare to hearing all that from a guy.  But this is what you should know, a girl who exercises Pussy Control with you has no intentions of being romantically involved with you.  That is, until you show that she no longer has pussy power over you.  Once you spot symptoms of Pussy Control, do everything OPPOSITE of what she expects.  If she’s fishing for compliments, don’t compliment her and change the subject to what’s going on in YOUR life.  If she contacts you out of the blue just to say hi, then tell her you’re great and that you hope she’s well too.  It’s a power balance and once you show her that she doesn’t have the upper hand, she may actually start respecting you.

But I must warn you, the pussy is very powerful.  If you don’t let it have power over you once, it will strike again.

 

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Setting the Right Expectations: Lessons Learned from Back to School Party

We here had Singlefied.com had another successful theme party in NYC last Thursday, this time it was “Back to School.”  Thanks to everyone who came out!  As an added bonus, all Singlefied readers will receive one month free from my favorite dating site, HowAboutWe.com (as recently discovered by one of my favorite bloggers, Simone Grant) – just enter the code FallDating.

While parties are meant to be fun, there’s always a lesson to be learned from Singlefied parties.  This time?  Setting the right expectations.

Because word travels fast, our Singlefied parties have reached beyond the core readership, expanding into social circles unfamiliar with the blog and myself.  I understand that there are qualms about attending any social event, especially if they’re “singles” related.  However, we are adults and should be able to handle most social situations, right?  So, you would understand my surprise when I received this email, “Got my reservations about singles events as it is almost always disappointing in terms of balance (and talent). What’s your feel on this for your party?”

Unfortunately, I feel that this is the mindset of a lot of you out there, not just in terms of parties, but also reservations about getting yourself out there in general.  I kind of want to hug you and slap you at the same time.  I want to hug you because you obviously have the desire to put yourself out there and meet someone.  But I want to slap you because wake up buddy, your expectations are all fucked up.

And if your expectations are negative from the get-go, you’re doomed to have a bad time.

Setting the right expectations is the key to making any social outing a success.  YOU CAN ONLY EXPECT OUTCOMES THAT ARE WITHIN YOUR CONTROL.  For example:

“I expect to…”

• – Have a good time (girls are especially attracted to this one)
• – Meet new people
• – Catch up with my friends
• – Not get so shitfaced I take home a grenade

But remember, you can NOT expect outcomes that are out of your control, such as the environment and who will be in attendance.  See, if you set expectations on anything out of your control, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be disappointed.  In the aforementioned email I received, this guy already set a negative expectation on the ratio of “talent” present at the party.  He was setting himself up for a disappointing night because 1) he couldn’t control who was going to be there, 2) he had projected his previous negative experiences onto this event, and 3) he had an arbitrary ratio threshold (“the ratio was 1:1 and I wanted 2 girls for every guy = FAIL” or “the ratio started at 2:1 but by 11pm, it was flipped = FAIL”).  There was just no winning with this guy.

So, when you’re out this weekend, set the right expectations and know that the least you can do is have a good time!

The new MacBook Air, on sale for under $1000 at Amazon.com
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4 Types of Hot Bitches (and how to handle their bitchiness)

A couple months back, I posted the question “Would you let a hot girl get away with being bitchy?”  Turns out, many of you do have balls!  Most said that you would let her get away with it at first, and then be appalled by her bitchy behavior.  It makes sense: at least get her naked first before you kick her to the curb.

To explain hot bitchy behavior, I now introduce to 4 types of hot bitches:

1) Born Hot

“I was a hot baby.  Everyone stared at me.  All the boy babies wanted to get in my onesie.  Well, not much has changed.  I’m still a hot babe.  I think everyone still has a staring problem.  And all the boys want to get in my romper.  I don’t understand the concept of ‘carrying on a conversation,’ standing in line, paying for shit, working hard for something and pleasing a guy in bed.  And I definitely don’t understand why I would ever have to talk to anyone I don’t want to talk to.  Listen, guys flock to me and treat me like a princess.  I don’t have to do much.  It’s awesome.”

Why I may be bitchy to you:

“What do you mean I’m being bitchy?  I’m just treating you like how I treat everyone else.  Get over it.”

What you should do when I’m bitchy:

“Dude, call me out on it.  I’ve never thought of myself as being a bitch.  I thought I was just being normal.  If you think I’m acting negatively, tell me.  Every other guy has let me get away with anything, and that’s why they’re disposable in my eyes.  If you’re confident enough to call me out on my shit, then you’re the right match for me.”

2) Former Hot

“I was Homecoming Queen, president of my sorority, and always had the hottest boyfriends.  Then, I had too many beers, partied a little too hard, and laid out a little too long.  I’d be hot for a 45-year-old.  But shit, I’m 25.  I’ll admit, I hit my peak at 21 and it has been down hill ever since.  Wait, no.  I’m still hot, damnit.  Just look at my Facebook pictures from 2008!  I still have hot friends.  Boys still approach us when we’re out.  Yeah, the other girls get hit on more, but that’s just because I’m so intimidating ’cause I’m so hot.  Right?!”

Why I may be bitchy to you:

“How dare you pay more attention to my friends?  How dare you not hit on me when 2 years ago, you would’ve killed puppies for me?  How dare you not buy me a drink after I approached you at the bar?  How dare you talk to me like I’m a civilian, when you should put me on a pedestal?  How dare you not tell me how hot I am on our first date?”

What you should do when I’m bitchy:

“Ask me about Kristen and tell me how hot you think she is.  Then ask how much older I am than her.  Kristen is my older sister.  Thanks.”

3) Potentially Hot/Sometimes Hot

“I consider myself a normal looking girl but sometimes when I dress up to go out, I get treated completely differently.  I don’t know if it’s the tight dresses I wear or the makeup I put on, but my guy friends tend to be a little more flirtatious when we go out.  But when we’re hanging out on a Saturday afternoon drinking beers, I’m just considered one of the boys.  Honestly, I love the non-platonic attention.  I actually crave it.  But I’m just too lazy to be so high maintenance all the time.”

Why I may be bitchy to you:

“When I realize I can do better than you.  When there’s cuter guys hitting on me.  When I’m considered ‘hot’ so I should emulate ‘hot girl’ behavior.”

What you should do when I’m bitchy:

“Nothing.  When I wake up the next morning without my face on, I’ll come running back to you.”

4) Ugly Turned Hot

“People really develop good personalities when they’re not hot.  I developed my awesome personality when I had a snaggle tooth and chin hairs.  I overcompensated for my lack of good looks with a shining personality and witty humor (and perfected BJs, because that’ll win the boys over).  Then I discovered braces…and facial waxing.  And makeup.  And push-up bras.  And picked up hot girl lingo like ‘hi betches.’   I’m kind of the holy grail of hot girls because I’m good to look at and fun to talk to (plus I’m an animal in the sack).”

Why I may be bitchy to you:

“Kids used to make fun of my lazy eye.  I never got asked to a school dance.  Among my friends, I was always known as the one with ‘the personality.’  Guys don’t want to fuck personality!  So I’m finally getting the attention that I deserve and I sure as hell am not going to take it for granted.  I’m going to be bitchy to you if I don’t think you’re in my league, because I worked so hard to get to my league.  The old me was single not by choice.  The new me?  Simply unattainable.”

What you should do when I’m bitchy:

“Ask me about high school.”

And finally, gotta love College Humor for giving us the POV of a really hot girl:

The new MacBook Air, on sale for under $1000 at Amazon.com
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Ask Miss Singlefied: Is she stringing you along or truly interested?

 

The new MacBook Air, on sale for under $1000 at Amazon.com
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Hurricane Irene, You’re One Crazy Bitch

 

Hope everyone stays safe.  And most importantly, go get laid already.

Ask Miss Singlefied: How should you handle rejection?

Check out “Sex Diaries” in New York Magazine, real life sex stories from New Yorkers.

CouchSurfing.org: More Like Bed Surfing

A couple days ago, I was meeting up with some friends at my local bar.  One of the guys showed up with this hot young thing: long shiny hair, long luscious lashes, and long shapely legs.  Plus, she was sweet and easy going, drinking beers like it was nobody’s business.  I was proud and bewildered at the same time.  “How do you two know each other?” I asked.  “CouchSurfing.org,” they replied in unison.  Apparently, she was on vacation from California and applied to be a couch surfer at his place in NYC.  A hot girl who requests to go home with you?  I’m sold.

What is CouchSurfing.org?  It’s a non-profit organization that helps people find places to crash when they’re traveling; it also facilitates cultural immersion in foreign countries.  Their vision statement: “A world where everyone can explore and create meaningful connections with the people and places they encounter.”  It’s set up like a social networking site where there are Hosts and Couch Surfers.  As a Couch Surfer, you can apply to Hosts who are available in the places you’re traveling to.  As a Host, you profile your living situation and conditions and choose which Couch Surfers you’d like to host.  Totally free for everyone involved.

Why should you use it?  Besides all the connecting-with-people-from-different-cultures-resulting-in-lasting-friendships fluff, it’s a great way to meet new hotties:

As a Host: You get to meet babes in “vacation mode.”  Studies show that people have more sex on vacations because they’re more carefree and horny when removed from their stale home environment.  These girls are not only staying with you, they’re looking to you to show them a good time.  There’s nothing sexier than a man taking charge and showing us his world.  And the best part? Now you have someone to visit in another state or country (given that you were a good Host).  *Disclaimer: I’m not saying you should expect to get sexy time with every hot couch surfer you host, but I am saying that the probability of hooking up is much higher than meeting a random at a bar.

As a Couch Surfer: You get to meet a chick you wouldn’t normally meet on vacation, and if she doesn’t float your boat, she can introduce you to the other hotties in her network.  You can then invite all of them to visit you(r pants) next time they’re in town.  Awww, what a nice guy you are.

So what happened to my guy friend who brought the long-legged hotness to the bar?  Nothing.  But it’s OK, because he just hooked up with his Ukrainian couch surfer.  Ласкаво просимо в наше ліжко! (WTF does that mean?)

In the words of my friend KD, “happy crotchsurfing!”

Make sure you’re in top shape for your hot couch surfer! Singlefied.com recommends The Flex Belt, the only FDA-approved device proven to tighten, tone and strengthen your abs without crunches.

Ask Miss Singlefied: You think your buddy’s girlfriend is wack. How do you tell him?

Singlefied.com recommends ZICO Pure Premium Coconut Water, now on sale at Amazon.com!