Ask Miss Singlefied: She acts like your girlfriend but claims she isn’t. Why?

http://www.Singlefied.com – DATING ADVICE: She acts like your girlfriend but claims she isn’t. Why? (DATING ADVICE FOR GUYS)

She holds your hand, is affectionate, and introduces you to all her friends. She certainly acts like your girlfriend, but claims she’s not! Why is she acting that way? Is she leading you on? Miss Singlefied let’s you know what’s up.

Dating can get really confusing when you don’t establish what your relationship is. It sounds silly, why does love and affection need to be verbally established? Well, that’s how you establish boundaries and standards. Without communicating these, it is easy for two people not be on the same page. And when two people are not on the same page, one person is bound to get hurt. Think about it, if there were no rules in sports, then people would able to do all sorts of things to win a game. But it’s only when these rules are established, then people know what is within boundaries. The same goes for relationships. What may be OK to one person may not be OK to the other. Remember, in the grand scheme of things, the person you’re hanging out with is barely a stranger. She hasn’t known you all your life. So how do you expect that you’ll both be on the same page with the same thoughts and ideas of what is good for a relationship. Before you start accusing someone of leading you on or sending you mixed messages, Miss Singlefied in this video shows you what you have the right to feel. You may just rethink your relationships!

Music as follows:
1) Cut Beat 100 by Sahmaoui Abdessamie under the Creative Commons Attributions License available at http://free-loops.com/8603-cut-beat-100.html

2) Rock N Knock by Sahmaoui Abdessamie under the Creative Commons Attributions License available at: http://free-loops.com/8602-rock-n-knock-.html

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Ask your dating questions at: http://www.Singlefied.com or tweet @SinglefiedYue. Yue Xu, aka Miss Singlefied, is an established dating coach for men from NYC, LA and Beijing. She is the founder and advocate of the SoberFirstKiss movement. #soberfirstkiss

Latest press featuring Miss Singlefied:
http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/ways-plays-hard-get

https://thebucketlistlife.com/49-knowing-what-you-want-in-a-relationship-with-dating-coach-yue-xu/

http://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/13-best-dating-vloggers-of-2014

http://www.match.com/magazine/article/13193/How-Women-Reset-A-Bad-Date/

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-24371673

http://nypost.com/2011/07/08/a-girl-in-every-borough/

http://www.thebeijinger.com/blog/2012/08/14/rules-expat-dating-ask-yue-xu

http://www.hercampus.com/love/dating-hooking/dating-younger-what-freshman-guys-really-think-you?page=6

http://life2pointoh.com/2011/07/first-date-advice/

http://www.globaltimes.cn/content/728223.shtml

http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi/how-to-handle-a-breakup.html

http://www.cmn.com/2012/10/proper-digital-breakup-etiquette-dear-john-2-0/

http://www.examiner.com/article/how-to-make-your-new-year-s-eve-kiss-memorable-and-special

Subscribe to Miss Singlefied’s dating blog here:
http://www.Singlefied.com

Follow her on Twitter/Instagram:
@SinglefiedYue

Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Singlefiedcom/183817161638970

If you like stalking:
http://YueXu.com

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HOW TO: Be Charming

I recently read an article “When Men Lost Their Charm” by Benjamin Schwarz in The Atlantic.  You can probably infer just from the title what the article talked about.  However, despite all the bitching from a male’s POV about the lack of charming men, I decided that it isn’t necessarily hopeless.  Yes, in some ways, charming men are hard to find.  And it is in part because creepy, slick men have raped the meaning of “charm,” creating a false definition of the word that makes women cringe.  Why?  Because nobody taught you HOW to be charming.  You really have no good role models other than George Clooney (who is also cited in the article).  But I would argue that Clooney isn’t quintessentially “charming.”  “Charming men” have a sense of attainability.  Clooney is not attainable, he is “up in the air,” and thus, not truly charming.

So, here’s a quick lesson on charming that I’ve gathered from a collection of personal experiences, articles, and discussions:

1) Be self-aware

Charming men know who they are inside and out.  They know their strengths and weaknesses, and have no problem facing their shortcomings.  A charming man can make fun of his receding hairline, subtle lisp, or poor hand-eye coordination.   He also knows when he can really flaunt his useless trivia, but also admit when he is ignorant about a topic.   In a social situation, it’s a give-and-take scenario of admitting what you know, and being curious to know what you don’t know.  As the article suggests, “[charm] can’t exist in the undeveloped personality.”

2) Exercise detachment and engagement

Again, it’s the give-and-take feeling that you always want to give off.  You always want to engage with the person or persons you’re speaking with.  It’s the respectful thing to do, and it’s that “attainability” factor.  Listen to what they have to say, and offer what you can to add value.  But once the conversation comes to a natural end, politely detach yourself and shift gears.  You’re not that attainable.  The thing a charming man never does is linger.  You never want to overstay your welcome.  It’s almost better to leave them hanging than to be “that guy.”  But once you detach, you must retain as much as you can of that conversation.  It’ll come in handy later.

3) Remember names and key points

I recently had a party where a friend of mine came and didn’t know anybody at the party.  Instead of secluding himself in a corner, he scoped out the room and figured out the social hierarchy.  Who was everybody talking to at the party?  My parents.  He found his jackpot.  Soon enough, he came and asked, “What are your parents’ names and what do they like to talk about?”  After giving him the 411, he successfully charmed my parents who didn’t hesitate to introduce him to the other people at the party.  And furthermore, he retained everyone’s name, face, and key interests to use in conversation.  “Vanessa, I remember you saying you’re into gardening.  Did you know Chuck studied soil science in college?”  See the beauty of that?  Not only did he manage to remember something about this cute girl he had talked to, but he was also able to link common interests and bring people together.  That is the work of a true charmer.

*The article talks about how most men can be socially-retarded because they fail to pay attention: “Even in the most casual conversation, men are too often self-absorbed or mono-focused or- more commonly – guarded, distracted, and disengaged to an almost Aspergerian degree.”  I would have to echo this by saying, when a guy seems too “distracted,” a girl is not going to fully engage in the conversation, and thus, not fully evaluate if the guy could be a romantic potential.  You don’t have to pay attention to every little word, but know the cliffs notes version of the person you’re talking to.

4) Make eye contact

In another Atlantic article, “The Art of Paying Attention,” James Fallows makes an interesting point.  You know how we think kids these days love cell phones?  It seems like babies are playing with iPhones before they begin to walk.  Well, research shows that babies are not fascinated by these gadgets; babies are fascinated by whatever their parents find fascinating.  As he puts it beautifully, “What we’re doing now is modeling a primary relationship with screens and a lack of eye contact with people.”

The most important part of being charming is to make eye contact and not be afraid of it.  Practice first with the barista at Starbucks, or the woman who greets you at Macy’s.  Get in the habit of determining someone’s eye color; be as specific as possible (light brown, dark green, etc).

In the end, being charming comes from an innate confidence to establish oneself in a room, and an innate curiosity to get to know everyone in the room.

Now, go charm the pants off of someone!