HOW TO: Spot a Girl w/ Too Much Makeup (Hot at night, ugly by morning)

Besides being a dating coach, I also work in the entertainment industry.  Over the years, I’ve seen plain Janes come on set sans makeup and magically transformed into drool-worthy hotties after being in the makeup chair.  Sometimes the transformation would be so drastic, I wouldn’t be able to recognize the chick.  Girls can do a lot when it comes to hiding and enhancing.  Clothes, hair, makeup, underwear, shoes…everything marketed towards females either hides and/or enhances.  You dudes don’t have the “tools” that we have, which is probably why we place so much emphasis on your personality.  Shit, you guys embody “what you see is what you get.”

Recently, I’ve had a lot of guy friends complain about the girls they’ve hooked up.  Apparently, they’ve all been on this losing streak of fucking “hotugly” girls.  You know, you meet her at night in filtered lighting.  Everything about her is super hot and you’re excited to take her home.  Then you wake up the next day and realize the bitch is down right nasty.  You wonder what happened.  Somehow, in natural daylight with her makeup smeared, she looks like a completely different person.  Good thing you have the Magic Alarm Clock to get rid of this hotugly.

To prevent this from happening to you, here are some ways to tell if a girl may be wearing too much makeup (or may just look really different without makeup:

• DARK EYE MAKEUP. This is the area girls like to concentrate on the most, so if you see thick eyeliner, piled-on mascara, dark eyeshadow, and shimmery shit, you can pretty much bet that this girl will look different without eye makeup.  This is especially true for girls with naturally light features, like natural redheads and blonds.
• MISMATCHED SKIN COLOR. Girls with bad skin like to hide their imperfections with lots of foundation.  It’s hard to find an exact skin color match so you can tell when a girl wears too much of it if her face doesn’t match the color of her hands, or neck.  This can be very subtle, but if you look for it, you can spot the color discrepancy.
• CHECK UNDER HER NAILS. We constantly touch our faces, whether to scratch an itch, brush hair out of face, or as a mannerism.  If a girl wears too much makeup, she’s bound to catch it under her nails.  If you see gobs of orange/tan colored shit under hair nails, she fo’ sho’ painted on her face.
• TAKE THE FACE MEMORY TEST. After talking to her and examining her face, close your eyes and try to picture her face from memory.  If you see actual feature details, you have a good idea of what she looks like.  But if all see are outlines and colors, chances are, her makeup is overpowering her face.

There you go, grasshopper.  Now go find a chick who’s consistently hot (or ugly, whatever floats your boat).

Women Prefer Superior Men (Sorta)

A CNBC article last week, “Why Do Smart Men Date Dumb Girls,” got some of my girls fired up so we started discussing it like it was a round table on The View.  In the end, there was nothing to be angry about.  Boys, it is true, men date less intelligent girls because most girls prefer to date guys who are superior to them.  But superior in these respects:

– Career (A guy more advanced in his career path shows his dedication to providing for his future family)

– Money (Similar to the above, a guy who makes more money is more able to provide)

– Physical Strength (We want a MAN who can manhandle us in bed, or at least open the pickle jar with ease)

– Intelligence (May not necessarily mean more degrees, but we’re impressed by your wit, random facts and the ability to hold a conversation with anyone about anything)

See, our priorities are a little bit different than yours.  At the end of the day, we’re most attracted to men who can embody what it means to be a man (leader, provider, safety, stability).  No matter how independent, strong-willed and self-sufficient a woman is, the normal hetero-roles are still enforced.  A woman wants a man who is better than herself. Simple.  But you see, in a world where women are becoming MORE educated, MORE independent, MORE self-sufficient, and sometimes even MORE muscular (ha!), it’s becoming harder and harder for us to find a man who is MORE than us.  That’s why you find so many bitter and bitchy, older single women, because they’ve spent all those years bettering themselves, while their prospects have narrowed year-by-year.

Now let’s turn the tables and discuss your priorities.  According to a study that I read a looong time ago (I wish I could find it) and the stories I’ve heard from my friends and clients, the qualities you want in a mate are prioritized almost the opposite of what women look for.  These are the aspects in which many of you hope the girl is more superior than you:

– Physical Attractiveness (Big surprise there!  You guys are very visually-oriented, I can’t blame you for wanting something good to look at.  It also explains why so many hot girls are with not-so-hot guys, but kudos to them, right?)

– Domesticity (Oh boy, another surprise.  A girl who can hem your slacks is considered more “relationship material” than a girl who has a joint JD-MBA from Harvard)

– Social-ability (Can this girl get along with your friends and family?  Can you leave her alone at a party while you talk to other people?  Can she host a party with you and she can do most of the talking while you just eat and drink?)

And in the same study I mentioned earlier, “career advancement” was ranked as the lowest priority when it came to qualities guys looked for in girls.  Actually, teacher, waitress, and nurse are some of the most desired career paths, according to men.

So here’s the deal…I get it.  I get that no matter how much women want equality in society, we still advocate inequality in our relationships.  I also get that dumb girls are easier to date, as they don’t pose much of a challenge.  Basically, less effort to impress them.  But, before you go searching for a girl who makes your brain and cock feel larger than it should, keep this in mind: a relationship will never last if you don’t continually grow.  And to do so, you need to find a woman who teaches you new things and inspires you to be a better person.  Yes, you may be smarter, richer and stronger, but what can she offer you that is also ____er?

Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day

For singles, here are some ideas for you today:

– Have a porno-watching marathon with the volume on full blast

– Find the ex you can’t stand and have some incredible hate fuck

– Go to an anti-Valentine’s event and rack up on desperate, horny bitches

– At a restaurant, send over an anonymous drink to a random girl on a date with the note, “Will you marry me?”

– Have a threesome with you, your hand and your penis

– Go to church.  Where else do you think the hot virgins are hiding out?

Hope you all have a great V-Day.  Here’s a great video done by my friend PK to a bit by Dane Cook.

Dane Cook on Love: A Typographic Exploration from pk on Vimeo.

V-Day D-Day

Let’s be frank here, no single person likes Valentine’s Day.   It’s just another day to remind you that couples are so cool they get a holiday and the closest holiday to celebrate singlehood would be St. Patrick’s Day.  So, what happens when you just recently started dating a girl and V-Day is less than a week away?  Here are a couple solutions:

1) If you just started dating a girl and you’re really not that into her: get rid of her already!  Don’t wait until after V-Day, it just makes it worse.  Cut her loose and go on a dating hiatus this week.

2) If you just started dating a girl and you are into her, but not enough to commit exclusively: organize or find a group event.  Maybe get a group of your friends to go out for dinner, have a party, or even organize a group bowling tournament.  Find something that says, “I like you enough to spend Valentine’s with you, but I’m not ready to commit.”  And when you present it to her, don’t ignore the words “Valentine’s Day.”  Make it clear that you’d like to spend Valentine’s Day with her in a group situation.

3) If you just started dating a girl and you are ready to commit exclusively: do something one-on-one but not too fancy.  You want to show her that you are fo’ realz about her to spend this commercialized holiday with her, but you don’t want to over-commit by making it too serious.  Propose a nice dinner and something chill afterwards.  Maybe meet up with your other coupled-off friends for drinks or rent a movie (a.k.a. have sex while a movie plays in the background).

The way we, as girls, feel is that we don’t want to make Valentine’s Day a big deal, but we don’t want to be left out either.  Just make sure you communicate and set the right expectations, and you will be handsomely rewarded.  It’ll be like prom night, you’re guaranteed to get some.  And trust me, despite the Pepto-Bismol colored decor, jacked-up flower prices, and PDA overkill, we WILL make your night worthwhile.

Girls: “Why?!” Guys: “Why Not?”

From what I’ve seen in male-female interactions, the root of all confusion, frustration and conflict lies in the “Why vs. Why Not” mentality.  Here are some recent examples:

1) Guy introduces girl to his friends on their first date.

Girl: WHY did he do that?!  He must see potential with me so he wants his friends’ approval.

Guy: WHY NOT? My friends were close by and they were curious to see this chick.  Plus, one of them owed me $20.  Dick.

2) It takes over 3 hours for a guy to respond to a girl’s text.

Girl: WHY did it take him so long?!  Is he playing the game?  He is, huh?!  Fine, bring it on, buddy!  I’ll wait a whole 24 hours to respond to your next text.

Guy: WHY NOT? It wasn’t a text that demanded an immediate response, and I was in the middle of playing Angry Birds on my iPad.

3) Guy leaves girl’s apartment right after he has sex with her.

Girl: WHY did he take off like that?!  Does he not care about me enough to spend the night?  Was this meaningless sex?  Am I a cheap whore?  OMG, I’m a whore.  Like Julia Roberts, except he didn’t leave me money.  Now I’m just a dumb whore.

Guy: WHY NOT? I had to work early the next day.  And I had to take a shit.  It wasn’t gonna be pretty.

Just food for thought for your dating adventures this week.