Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Find a girl you can practice texting with! Miss Singlefied recommends Hurry Date


 

Hope everyone stays safe.  And most importantly, go get laid already.

Did you watch the royal wedding this morning?  I didn’t.  I was too busy consoling a friend on her recent divorce.  But I did watch some of the recaps online and started to possibly over analyze this whole thing.  Royal court aside, the entire world was watching Kate Middleton (Prince William, who?).  What did she wear?  How did she do her hair?  How in love did she look?  As millions of women watched the future Queen walk down the aisle, the consensus was:

She got picked for dodgeball.

Let me rewind for a minute.  A few weeks ago my friend had just gotten engaged to her boyfriend of 7 years.  At a girls brunch, we all hovered around her left hand and examined her bling from every angle possible.  Then I had a moment of…the nonsense stare.  You know what I mean?  When you stare at something for so long that it no longer makes sense anymore.  Let’s say if you looked at the word “word” for too long, it no longer had meaning to it.  Anyway, I had a nonsense stare moment with her ring because in my mind, I thought, “Why are we so excited about this intrusive piece of useless substance that rests randomly on her finger, waiting to snag on an expensive cashmere sweater?”

I had to voice my opinion and ended up discussing this for weeks.  In the end, it’s about a woman’s desire to belong to a man, to be claimed, to be picked.  Trust me, at first I thought maybe it’s for the bling, but even after posing the idea of an engagement stick, or engagement scrunchie, women would still be willing to wear it as a symbol of “Claimed.”

And what does this have to do with you and dating girls?  I think this clearly reveals one of the most unfulfilled needs of a single girl: the desire to be picked for dodgeball.   You know what feels good?  When you hold our hand.  When you put your arms around us.  When you introduce us to your friends.  When you request that we date you and only you.  Amidst the clusterfuck of nonsense dating games, all we really want to hear you say is: “I pick you for my team.”  So when you find that girl, confidently articulate this sentiment to her.

Disclaimer:  This is not an excuse for possessive and overly-jealous men who have control and trust issues.   We don’t want to be picked for that team.

1) Think of your favorite color.  Describe it with three words.

2) Think of an animal.  Describe the animal using three words.

3) Think of your favorite body of water (natural or manmade).  Describe that using three words.

4) Imagine you’re in a room that is painted all white, with no doors or windows.  Describe how you feel using three words.

GOT IT?  DON’T SCROLL PAST THE LINE UNTIL YOU’VE GOT ALL YOUR ANSWERS.

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The words you used to describe your favorite color are how others perceive you.  Your words for the animal are how you see yourself.  Your descriptors for your favorite body of water describe your sex life.   And your feelings inside the white room are how you perceive death.

Interesting, here are my answers:

Color/Others Perceive Me: Hot, Passionate, Turbulent  (Someone hose me down!  Or give me Adderall)

Animal/Self-perception: Furry, Intelligent, Agile  (Yikes, furry?)

Water/Sex: Blue, Clean, Confined (Note to self: buy whips and chains)

White Room/Death: Liberated, Lonely, Abandoned (Right on point)

Now of course if you’re hitting on a chick, the only question you need to ask is, “Describe your favorite body of water using 3 words.”  One of my friends answered, “Large, salty, and turquotic.”  I’m guessing you don’t need to waste a drink on her.

Chas, a 40-year-old entrepreneur from San Francisco, created a site to find his future wife.  And if you introduce him to the woman he ends up marrying, you get $10,000.  Chas claims he doesn’t have much time to date, he says “Thanks to a decade of ‘life coaching’ and some insightful relationships, I can honestly say I’m ready to start a family.  For realz.”

Chas’ bold experiment proves 2 things: 1) When a guy is ready, boy is he ready, and 2) Time is money.  Although it’s a little bit sketch, I gotta hand it to Chas for trying a non-traditional way of finding love.  The man is relatively attractive, obviously financially stable, thinks outside the box, and knows what he wants.  I know he’ll be screening through herds of crazies, psychos and maybe even a few men, but I commend the guy for just putting it all out there in the universe.

So if I refer myself, seduce him to marry me, do I get the $10k or does it just go towards my engagement ring?  Wait…was that totally not kosher?

Besides being a dating coach, I also work in the entertainment industry.  Over the years, I’ve seen plain Janes come on set sans makeup and magically transformed into drool-worthy hotties after being in the makeup chair.  Sometimes the transformation would be so drastic, I wouldn’t be able to recognize the chick.  Girls can do a lot when it comes to hiding and enhancing.  Clothes, hair, makeup, underwear, shoes…everything marketed towards females either hides and/or enhances.  You dudes don’t have the “tools” that we have, which is probably why we place so much emphasis on your personality.  Shit, you guys embody “what you see is what you get.”

Recently, I’ve had a lot of guy friends complain about the girls they’ve hooked up.  Apparently, they’ve all been on this losing streak of fucking “hotugly” girls.  You know, you meet her at night in filtered lighting.  Everything about her is super hot and you’re excited to take her home.  Then you wake up the next day and realize the bitch is down right nasty.  You wonder what happened.  Somehow, in natural daylight with her makeup smeared, she looks like a completely different person.  Good thing you have the Magic Alarm Clock to get rid of this hotugly.

To prevent this from happening to you, here are some ways to tell if a girl may be wearing too much makeup (or may just look really different without makeup:

  • DARK EYE MAKEUP. This is the area girls like to concentrate on the most, so if you see thick eyeliner, piled-on mascara, dark eyeshadow, and shimmery shit, you can pretty much bet that this girl will look different without eye makeup.  This is especially true for girls with naturally light features, like natural redheads and blonds.
  • MISMATCHED SKIN COLOR. Girls with bad skin like to hide their imperfections with lots of foundation.  It’s hard to find an exact skin color match so you can tell when a girl wears too much of it if her face doesn’t match the color of her hands, or neck.  This can be very subtle, but if you look for it, you can spot the color discrepancy.
  • CHECK UNDER HER NAILS. We constantly touch our faces, whether to scratch an itch, brush hair out of face, or as a mannerism.  If a girl wears too much makeup, she’s bound to catch it under her nails.  If you see gobs of orange/tan colored shit under hair nails, she fo’ sho’ painted on her face.
  • TAKE THE FACE MEMORY TEST. After talking to her and examining her face, close your eyes and try to picture her face from memory.  If you see actual feature details, you have a good idea of what she looks like.  But if all see are outlines and colors, chances are, her makeup is overpowering her face.

There you go, grasshopper.  Now go find a chick who’s consistently hot (or ugly, whatever floats your boat).

A CNBC article last week, “Why Do Smart Men Date Dumb Girls,” got some of my girls fired up so we started discussing it like it was a round table on The View.  In the end, there was nothing to be angry about.  Boys, it is true, men date less intelligent girls because most girls prefer to date guys who are superior to them.  But superior in these respects:

- Career (A guy more advanced in his career path shows his dedication to providing for his future family)

- Money (Similar to the above, a guy who makes more money is more able to provide)

- Physical Strength (We want a MAN who can manhandle us in bed, or at least open the pickle jar with ease)

- Intelligence (May not necessarily mean more degrees, but we’re impressed by your wit, random facts and the ability to hold a conversation with anyone about anything)

See, our priorities are a little bit different than yours.  At the end of the day, we’re most attracted to men who can embody what it means to be a man (leader, provider, safety, stability).  No matter how independent, strong-willed and self-sufficient a woman is, the normal hetero-roles are still enforced.  A woman wants a man who is better than herself. Simple.  But you see, in a world where women are becoming MORE educated, MORE independent, MORE self-sufficient, and sometimes even MORE muscular (ha!), it’s becoming harder and harder for us to find a man who is MORE than us.  That’s why you find so many bitter and bitchy, older single women, because they’ve spent all those years bettering themselves, while their prospects have narrowed year-by-year.

Now let’s turn the tables and discuss your priorities.  According to a study that I read a looong time ago (I wish I could find it) and the stories I’ve heard from my friends and clients, the qualities you want in a mate are prioritized almost the opposite of what women look for.  These are the aspects in which many of you hope the girl is more superior than you:

- Physical Attractiveness (Big surprise there!  You guys are very visually-oriented, I can’t blame you for wanting something good to look at.  It also explains why so many hot girls are with not-so-hot guys, but kudos to them, right?)

- Domesticity (Oh boy, another surprise.  A girl who can hem your slacks is considered more “relationship material” than a girl who has a joint JD-MBA from Harvard)

- Social-ability (Can this girl get along with your friends and family?  Can you leave her alone at a party while you talk to other people?  Can she host a party with you and she can do most of the talking while you just eat and drink?)

And in the same study I mentioned earlier, “career advancement” was ranked as the lowest priority when it came to qualities guys looked for in girls.  Actually, teacher, waitress, and nurse are some of the most desired career paths, according to men.

So here’s the deal…I get it.  I get that no matter how much women want equality in society, we still advocate inequality in our relationships.  I also get that dumb girls are easier to date, as they don’t pose much of a challenge.  Basically, less effort to impress them.  But, before you go searching for a girl who makes your brain and cock feel larger than it should, keep this in mind: a relationship will never last if you don’t continually grow.  And to do so, you need to find a woman who teaches you new things and inspires you to be a better person.  Yes, you may be smarter, richer and stronger, but what can she offer you that is also ____er?

I know I like to give you guys some proactive pick-up strategies such as the Creeper Sweeper and Toast ‘n’ BoltMystery, the pick-up artist even takes it one step further and tells you to do magic tricks and shit to break the ice.  Well boys, there are less involved ways, such as paying attention to what you wear.  This past weekend was the prime example of that.

Thursday: I notice a guy wearing a Power Balance wristband on the subway (I have one too) and I ask if it’s helping him surf the train.  We have a solid 5-minute convo debating the “science” behind using holograms to improve balance and agility.  I get to my stop before he could finish his argument, so he asks for my number.  Smooth.

Friday: Spotted.  A guy wearing a UT-Austin t-shirt, my friend Lisa’s alma mater.  She approaches him to ask what year he graduated.  Turns out they’re 6 years apart, no over-lapping friends or classes, but lived in the same apartment complex (just not at the same time).  He gets her a drink and she goes home with him.  Fist bump explosion.

Saturday: Starbucks catch-up sesh with one of my clients.  He’s sporting a vintage Laker’s hat, which I mistakened for a gross, dirty hat.  While ordering his coffee, hot girl taps him on the shoulder and asks if he’s from LA.  She is and her dad collects vintage Laker hats.  They have a giggle about how much New Yorker’s don’t like LA’ers.  They exchange business cards.  He puts cream in her coffee.  I charge him double for the session (dating advice AND picked up a chick).

Sunday: Brunch with the girls.  Next to us, a bro-brunch.  My friend Dana discovers one of the guys is wearing Silly Bandz .  Kinda gay but she has her’s on too.  She yells out, “Hey, what you got over there?”  He responds, “Cars!”  Next thing you know, it’s a coed brunch for 8.

No, I’m not trying to tell you that the next time you go out, get decked out in silly bandz, balance bracelets, sports team hats and college shirts.  But, next time you’re out, make a conscious decision to wear something that’s a statement about your interests.  Not only does it give you character, it helps to break the ice.  And if you’re feeling more aggressive, keep your eye out for something a girl’s wearing that could interest you, and use it as a conversation starter.  However, let’s keep it classy.  “Hey I noticed your thong peeking out of your jeans is from the 2011 Victoria Secret’s Very Sexy collection” won’t break the ice, but she might break your nose.

I’ve spent years gathering the dating timeline of men and women, and this is a rough draft of what I’ve gathered.  For those of you who are graphically-challenged, this is how you read this chart:

If you’re not married by [insert age rage], this is what you’re thinking [insert words below age range].  Then follow the red arrow(s) to which women you should be dating.

Let’s go through each age range for males, shall we?

22-24: First couple years of out college feel so good.  You’re a man.  A real man.  Making real money.  Dude, you’re ready for a family because that’s what men do.  You should be dating —> 31-34 year old chicks because they’re real women, and they’ll make you feel more like a man.  Plus, they’re ready to get serious.

25-27: Your quarterlife crisis begins with you being screwed over by some chick who you thought could be wifey.  She did something terrible…maybe cheat on you, leave you for your best friend, or run off to Europe, never to be heard from again.  Fuck that cunt.  You want to stick your penis wherever you can, because it somehow feels like revenge.  You should be dating fucking —> 25-35+ year old chicks because they want your penis in them.  Especially the cougars.

28-30: The aftershock of the quarterlife crisis.  You want to give your cock a break and re-evaluate where you are in life.  Maybe this is a good time for a career change, go back to school or even relocation.  You’re ready to reclaim your role as a man again, and it would be nicer to have a woman by your side.  You should be dating —> 28-30 year old females because they’re going through the same thing.

31-34: The now improved version of you has reawakened your penile gallantry.  You may be balding and your gut may be growing, but shit, you’re making more money and your job title is impressive.  Your penis yearns for tight pussy and tight pussy you shall receive.  You should be dating —> 22-24 year old girls because they mistaken your age for maturity and power and 25-27 year old hussies because your “status” somehow makes them feel empowered.  Plus, they’re hussies.

35+: Dating crazy bitches when you were young was fun, but now you just don’t have the energy for it.  After the last 22-year-old faked her own suicide to get you to stay with her, you realize that you’re too old for this shit.  Marriage, all of a sudden, seems a lot easier.  You should be dating marrying —> 31-35 year old women because they’re worn out too.  Time to raise that white flag and give in to this institution called “marriage.”

Obviously, this is not representative of everyone, but it holds true for the majority of daters I’ve observed.  The one thing I would say is universal is the chronological order of the stages (given that you’re not married at each stage).  And the other thing that holds true is that NEVER seriously date a girl who has not gone through her slutty stage.  You’re just asking for heartbreak.  And herpes.

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I’m doing my usual “research” at a bar and in walks a group of guys.  One of them is clearly the leader of the pack, confidently walks in first, first bumps the bartender, greets the room with a teethy smile, and leads his group to a table in the middle of the bar.  This guy is an attention-getter and it is obvious that everybody in the bar notices him.  I’m intrigued by this guy’s outer swagger and commit to observing him for the time being.

Then, in walks, as part of the group, guy #2, who immediately steals my attention away.  My girlfriends, sitting next to me, are staring at him intensely.  “Who is that?” I hear one of them ask.   This man is not particularly that attractive, not dressed in any special fashion, but there is something about him.  He quietly but confidently walks in, gives a subtle nod to the bartender, finds his friends and sits down.  All in slow motion it seems.  He’s intently listening to guy #1 loudly re-telling a story about some whiny bitch he had dumped.  Guy #1 has just become a showy douche and guy #2′s inner swagger has stolen the show.

Outer swagger is easy to achieve because it’s like putting on a show.  You dress the part, walk the walk, talk the talk, and there you go, you’ve just accomplished outer swagger.    This guy is like the lead singer in a band.  He’s the “face” of the group, the outgoing, social, and most (perceived) talented one.  He thrives on attention and needs screaming girls throwing panties at him to reaffirm his confidence.  Girls like him because he’s very noticeable, but we all know he’s a douche because he sleeps with all the groupies and brags about it.  I bet he has a small penis and is overcompensating.  And I bet he can’t be alone.  Ever.

However, nobody gets more ass than the drummer, the definition of “inner swagger.”  Sure, he’s usually tucked away in the dark corner, and you don’t even notice him until the leader singer verbally announces him.  But once girls find him, we can’t keep our eyes off of him.  He’s really into his drums and is passionate about playing them.  He doesn’t need the lights and the abundance of attention, he just likes doing what he enjoys doing.  He doesn’t feel the need to brag or show off, because he is so confident being who he is without the bells and whistles.  I bet he has a huge cock.  And I bet enjoys being alone.  Better yet, he probably lives alone.  Extra points for him.

When I think of a man with inner swagger, the best example is John Cusack.  I’ve been obsessed with John Cusack since “Say Anything” and whenever I tell guys my celeb crush, the first reaction is always, “Really?!  Him?!”  Yup, John Cusack. No, he’s not that hot and he dresses like a bum, but that man is so confident just being who he is, he never has to prove himself to anybody.  Actually, he doesn’t give a fuck what other people think of him.  He’s never tried to live up to this celebrity status or is TMI about his personal life to woo the public.  What you see is what you get, and that inner swagger is a panty dropper.

So when you’re headed out this weekend, ask yourself if you’d rather be the lead singer, or the drummer?