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Tapping That Ass: Dick’s Memoir

Written by: Dick Lambert

It is no secret that I am an ass man.  Beyond the persuasion and logistics of anal sex, I thought I’d share some raunchy encounters I have had that were telling of the relationship I was in.

Let’s rewind to my first anal sex experience.  One of nature’s most beautiful sights is a woman face down, ass up presented to you in all her glory. Sally was no exception, she had one of those cute little firm apples of an ass. I really admired that ass and did so by spending a lot of time running my hands over her ass from lightly to more firmly. I just about gave her ass a deep tissue massage before penetrating her. I awoken every single nerve ending in her ass to the point where it felt warm, and she described it as feeling bigger. Since this was her first time and mine, I was gentle. She would bite down on the pillow making little grunting noises. She was undecided if she liked it or not, as she gritted her teeth. Sally is now a manager at a major telecom company.  We broke up because she wanted both a family and career.

Then there was Vicky, who liked to get drunk and wild. She was in the usual position: face down, ass up with her big tits spilling out the sides as they were pressed down into the sheets.  Her big alteration to doggy-style was her hands were wrapped around her sweet ass spreading herself  so I could penetrate her deeper. My first time with Vicky was when she and I were so drunk it sort of slipped in, and I wasn’t entirely sure where my dick was until she said I felt good in her ass. Vicky today is in rehab, as I think anal sex was a way to penetrate the numbness so she could actually feel something.

Next was Nikki, my on-and-off girlfriend for three years. We loved to fuck together. Our entire relationship revolved around dancing, ecstasy, and fucking each others brains out to the chagrin of my two female roommates at the time. Nikki and I fucked like we were German synchronized machines, two Porsches racing on the Autobahn. I would get Nikki so wet that we didn’t need lube. She would be ass up, face down and her hands would be holding onto the back of my calves or thighs. In this position she could meet my every thrust. The sounds of her ass slapping against me would get so loud my roommates would make themselves scarce whenever she was coming over. I cheated on her with her best friend and cousin. My bad, Nikki.

Last, but not least was Heather, who liked to be spanked first, and then the green light to haul off on her firm ass, paddle and all. I was spanking her as she read the letter from the movie Secretary doing my best Mr. Grey impersonation. The spanking was so intense and hard that the paddle broke right on her ass. She told me to quickly fuck her ass. She was incapable of speech until she told me to cum over her ass. She told me that she loved the warmth from being spanked, and the warmth from the cum on her ass. Heather is now the lead singer of a female band.

Ahhh, what sweet and juicy memories of them all.

Pop That Booty(hole)

No, we’re not thrilled when you suggest butt sex, but yes, we know you want to stick it in a tighter hole. If you’re trying to pop some girl’s ass cherry, maybe try to convince her to take some poppers. Poppers are various alkyl nitrites inhaled for recreational purposes, and by “recreational purposes,” I mean it relaxes the asshole. It’s a widely used method in the gay community and it’s about time this little secret is shared with hetero butt-fuckers.

But remember: if she does her part by granting you a visit to assholeville, you do your part by keeping your cock hard!