The Art of Conversation II: Can You Hear Me Now?

Last week, we looked at the overall goal of conversations: view every conversation as an adventure.  Now, to some technical stuff, starting with DEEP LISTENING.

Before you tell me you think you’re a great listener, think again.  Most people think they’re listening when all they’re doing is going through the motions of listening (eye contact, nodding, pointed body language).  For example: think of a close friend.  Got it?  OK, now what does this person do for a living?  Can you describe his/her day-to-day?  Believe it or not, most people can’t answer this question.  It’s the “Chandler Effect” on Friends.  Remember?  The running joke was nobody knew what he did, but they remember bits and pieces.  The case is, when we think we’re listening, we’re only picking up on bits of pieces of the conversation.  That doesn’t make for a great conversationalist because you’re not absorbing comprehensive information that can feed into a better next topic.  So, here are some techniques for improving your deep listening skills.  Let’s say you’re getting to know a new girl:

• Take notes in your mind.  Before pen and paper, people used to memorize entire conversations or lectures.  We’re historically good listeners up until now with the ease of technology.  Go old school, and make a conscious effort to take mental notes.
• Paraphrase whenever appropriate.  Repeating back what you’ve heard is a great way to show her you’re listening but also a great way to change the topic if you’re totally bored.  Let’s say she’s been talking about her damn chihuahua fo’ eva now, you can try saying, “You obviously love your dog since you cook him organic chicken twice a week, but what is your favorite food?”
• Don’t cross your body.  Open body language not only makes it comfortable for the other person to divulge more info, but it’ll help you listen better.  When we cross our bodies (arms, legs, etc), we tend to be distracted by what we’re able to feel.  Meaning, let’s say you cross your arms, then your hands will play with your shoulders or side boob (and if you have side boobs, we should talk).  When your body language is open, you’re less distracted.
• Notice synchronization.  The tell-tale sign of someone who is truly listening is when movements become synchronized.  A study of a group of people at a dinner party revealed that when they were engaged in a great conversation, their eating behavior was in synch.  So throughout your conversation, do a quick checkpoint and notice if you’re starting to pick up your drink when she does, and vice versa.
• Lean in.  An observational study in a college classroom found that the professor lectured with confidence and witty humor while the class was leaned in; however, he became stiff and nervous when the students leaned back.  Unless if you just ate dog shit, it’s better to lean in and get “into” the conversation.
• Listen for inflections.  When her tone changes, it shows that she has a strong connection to whatever she’s talking about, even if it has to do with Kim Kardashian’s divorce.  When you hear changes in her inflections, take note.  Those are her hot buttons.

For this weekend, practice the following:

OPEN STANCE – Notice where people put their hands when conversing, and make a point to keep your hands at your side.

LEAN – Lean in to everybody you talk to.

I highly recommend this book by Dale Carnegie: How To Win Friends and Influence People

Setting the Right Expectations: Lessons Learned from Back to School Party

We here had Singlefied.com had another successful theme party in NYC last Thursday, this time it was “Back to School.”  Thanks to everyone who came out!  As an added bonus, all Singlefied readers will receive one month free from my favorite dating site, HowAboutWe.com (as recently discovered by one of my favorite bloggers, Simone Grant) – just enter the code FallDating.

While parties are meant to be fun, there’s always a lesson to be learned from Singlefied parties.  This time?  Setting the right expectations.

Because word travels fast, our Singlefied parties have reached beyond the core readership, expanding into social circles unfamiliar with the blog and myself.  I understand that there are qualms about attending any social event, especially if they’re “singles” related.  However, we are adults and should be able to handle most social situations, right?  So, you would understand my surprise when I received this email, “Got my reservations about singles events as it is almost always disappointing in terms of balance (and talent). What’s your feel on this for your party?”

Unfortunately, I feel that this is the mindset of a lot of you out there, not just in terms of parties, but also reservations about getting yourself out there in general.  I kind of want to hug you and slap you at the same time.  I want to hug you because you obviously have the desire to put yourself out there and meet someone.  But I want to slap you because wake up buddy, your expectations are all fucked up.

And if your expectations are negative from the get-go, you’re doomed to have a bad time.

Setting the right expectations is the key to making any social outing a success.  YOU CAN ONLY EXPECT OUTCOMES THAT ARE WITHIN YOUR CONTROL.  For example:

“I expect to…”

• – Have a good time (girls are especially attracted to this one)
• – Meet new people
• – Catch up with my friends
• – Not get so shitfaced I take home a grenade

But remember, you can NOT expect outcomes that are out of your control, such as the environment and who will be in attendance.  See, if you set expectations on anything out of your control, you’re pretty much guaranteed to be disappointed.  In the aforementioned email I received, this guy already set a negative expectation on the ratio of “talent” present at the party.  He was setting himself up for a disappointing night because 1) he couldn’t control who was going to be there, 2) he had projected his previous negative experiences onto this event, and 3) he had an arbitrary ratio threshold (“the ratio was 1:1 and I wanted 2 girls for every guy = FAIL” or “the ratio started at 2:1 but by 11pm, it was flipped = FAIL”).  There was just no winning with this guy.

So, when you’re out this weekend, set the right expectations and know that the least you can do is have a good time!

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4 Types of Hot Bitches (and how to handle their bitchiness)

A couple months back, I posted the question “Would you let a hot girl get away with being bitchy?”  Turns out, many of you do have balls!  Most said that you would let her get away with it at first, and then be appalled by her bitchy behavior.  It makes sense: at least get her naked first before you kick her to the curb.

To explain hot bitchy behavior, I now introduce to 4 types of hot bitches:

1) Born Hot

“I was a hot baby.  Everyone stared at me.  All the boy babies wanted to get in my onesie.  Well, not much has changed.  I’m still a hot babe.  I think everyone still has a staring problem.  And all the boys want to get in my romper.  I don’t understand the concept of ‘carrying on a conversation,’ standing in line, paying for shit, working hard for something and pleasing a guy in bed.  And I definitely don’t understand why I would ever have to talk to anyone I don’t want to talk to.  Listen, guys flock to me and treat me like a princess.  I don’t have to do much.  It’s awesome.”

Why I may be bitchy to you:

“What do you mean I’m being bitchy?  I’m just treating you like how I treat everyone else.  Get over it.”

What you should do when I’m bitchy:

“Dude, call me out on it.  I’ve never thought of myself as being a bitch.  I thought I was just being normal.  If you think I’m acting negatively, tell me.  Every other guy has let me get away with anything, and that’s why they’re disposable in my eyes.  If you’re confident enough to call me out on my shit, then you’re the right match for me.”

2) Former Hot

“I was Homecoming Queen, president of my sorority, and always had the hottest boyfriends.  Then, I had too many beers, partied a little too hard, and laid out a little too long.  I’d be hot for a 45-year-old.  But shit, I’m 25.  I’ll admit, I hit my peak at 21 and it has been down hill ever since.  Wait, no.  I’m still hot, damnit.  Just look at my Facebook pictures from 2008!  I still have hot friends.  Boys still approach us when we’re out.  Yeah, the other girls get hit on more, but that’s just because I’m so intimidating ’cause I’m so hot.  Right?!”

Why I may be bitchy to you:

“How dare you pay more attention to my friends?  How dare you not hit on me when 2 years ago, you would’ve killed puppies for me?  How dare you not buy me a drink after I approached you at the bar?  How dare you talk to me like I’m a civilian, when you should put me on a pedestal?  How dare you not tell me how hot I am on our first date?”

What you should do when I’m bitchy:

“Ask me about Kristen and tell me how hot you think she is.  Then ask how much older I am than her.  Kristen is my older sister.  Thanks.”

3) Potentially Hot/Sometimes Hot

“I consider myself a normal looking girl but sometimes when I dress up to go out, I get treated completely differently.  I don’t know if it’s the tight dresses I wear or the makeup I put on, but my guy friends tend to be a little more flirtatious when we go out.  But when we’re hanging out on a Saturday afternoon drinking beers, I’m just considered one of the boys.  Honestly, I love the non-platonic attention.  I actually crave it.  But I’m just too lazy to be so high maintenance all the time.”

Why I may be bitchy to you:

“When I realize I can do better than you.  When there’s cuter guys hitting on me.  When I’m considered ‘hot’ so I should emulate ‘hot girl’ behavior.”

What you should do when I’m bitchy:

“Nothing.  When I wake up the next morning without my face on, I’ll come running back to you.”

4) Ugly Turned Hot

“People really develop good personalities when they’re not hot.  I developed my awesome personality when I had a snaggle tooth and chin hairs.  I overcompensated for my lack of good looks with a shining personality and witty humor (and perfected BJs, because that’ll win the boys over).  Then I discovered braces…and facial waxing.  And makeup.  And push-up bras.  And picked up hot girl lingo like ‘hi betches.’   I’m kind of the holy grail of hot girls because I’m good to look at and fun to talk to (plus I’m an animal in the sack).”

Why I may be bitchy to you:

“Kids used to make fun of my lazy eye.  I never got asked to a school dance.  Among my friends, I was always known as the one with ‘the personality.’  Guys don’t want to fuck personality!  So I’m finally getting the attention that I deserve and I sure as hell am not going to take it for granted.  I’m going to be bitchy to you if I don’t think you’re in my league, because I worked so hard to get to my league.  The old me was single not by choice.  The new me?  Simply unattainable.”

What you should do when I’m bitchy:

“Ask me about high school.”

And finally, gotta love College Humor for giving us the POV of a really hot girl:

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Ask Miss Singlefied: Is she stringing you along or truly interested?

 

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Hurricane Irene, You’re One Crazy Bitch

 

Hope everyone stays safe.  And most importantly, go get laid already.

Ask Miss Singlefied: How should you handle rejection?

Check out “Sex Diaries” in New York Magazine, real life sex stories from New Yorkers.

CouchSurfing.org: More Like Bed Surfing

A couple days ago, I was meeting up with some friends at my local bar.  One of the guys showed up with this hot young thing: long shiny hair, long luscious lashes, and long shapely legs.  Plus, she was sweet and easy going, drinking beers like it was nobody’s business.  I was proud and bewildered at the same time.  “How do you two know each other?” I asked.  “CouchSurfing.org,” they replied in unison.  Apparently, she was on vacation from California and applied to be a couch surfer at his place in NYC.  A hot girl who requests to go home with you?  I’m sold.

What is CouchSurfing.org?  It’s a non-profit organization that helps people find places to crash when they’re traveling; it also facilitates cultural immersion in foreign countries.  Their vision statement: “A world where everyone can explore and create meaningful connections with the people and places they encounter.”  It’s set up like a social networking site where there are Hosts and Couch Surfers.  As a Couch Surfer, you can apply to Hosts who are available in the places you’re traveling to.  As a Host, you profile your living situation and conditions and choose which Couch Surfers you’d like to host.  Totally free for everyone involved.

Why should you use it?  Besides all the connecting-with-people-from-different-cultures-resulting-in-lasting-friendships fluff, it’s a great way to meet new hotties:

As a Host: You get to meet babes in “vacation mode.”  Studies show that people have more sex on vacations because they’re more carefree and horny when removed from their stale home environment.  These girls are not only staying with you, they’re looking to you to show them a good time.  There’s nothing sexier than a man taking charge and showing us his world.  And the best part? Now you have someone to visit in another state or country (given that you were a good Host).  *Disclaimer: I’m not saying you should expect to get sexy time with every hot couch surfer you host, but I am saying that the probability of hooking up is much higher than meeting a random at a bar.

As a Couch Surfer: You get to meet a chick you wouldn’t normally meet on vacation, and if she doesn’t float your boat, she can introduce you to the other hotties in her network.  You can then invite all of them to visit you(r pants) next time they’re in town.  Awww, what a nice guy you are.

So what happened to my guy friend who brought the long-legged hotness to the bar?  Nothing.  But it’s OK, because he just hooked up with his Ukrainian couch surfer.  Ласкаво просимо в наше ліжко! (WTF does that mean?)

In the words of my friend KD, “happy crotchsurfing!”

Make sure you’re in top shape for your hot couch surfer! Singlefied.com recommends The Flex Belt, the only FDA-approved device proven to tighten, tone and strengthen your abs without crunches.

Ask Miss Singlefied: You think your buddy’s girlfriend is wack. How do you tell him?

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Ask Miss Singlefied: How do you get rid of the third wheel (a.k.a the friend who tags along)?

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Miss Singlefied Does Online Dating: PROS and CONS

I spent the last couple of weeks escaping the NY heat in beautiful Los Angeles.  During my time there, I decided to do a little online dating myself, since I keep blogging about it.  I mean, I spend a lot of time evaluating people’s profiles, drafting messages, and hearing success/horror stories from girlfriends.  But, it has been since 2003 that I actually did online dating myself.  Some good ol’ ethnographic research was overdue!

Let me just say this: I think online dating is great for practice and for having a little casual fun.  However, I advise everyone to view it as a “layover” to a real relationship.  Here are some pros and cons:

PROS:
– It’s efficient so you don’t have to waste time at bars and clubs sorting through the “bad lemons.”
– It’s great practice (some of my clients go on 5 dates/week just to hone in their skills).
– All the cool kids are doing it.  There’s no longer a stigma attached to online dating.  It seems that everyone is on some site these days.
– It can be fun.  Going “shopping” for a potential mate while buying toilet paper online is fucking awesome.  That shit never happens offline.

CONS:
– It breeds “serial daters.”  Online dating is addictive and once people start going on multiple dates, they get addicted to that idea.
– It makes you think there’s always something better.  “What if I haven’t gone through all 600 matches and the best woman for me is the 589th match?  I cant settle for match #56.”
– It makes you more insecure.  Women are bombarded with emails and most guys don’t get the response they want.  You guys have a better chance talking to a pretty girl in person (at a bar) than getting a response from her online.
– It doesn’t make people want to settle down.  Online dating is like high school.  The Freshman class is always changing so there’s always “fresh meat.”
– It takes the mystery out of organic dating.  Before you meet someone in person, you already know so much about them that you’ve already formed your own opinion and judgment.
– It makes you overlook people you should be dating.  The most important thing in a profile is the picture.  Online daters tend to message the ones that are most attractive, not necessarily the ones that are in their league.  In an offline situation, a man is able to evaluate whether a woman is approachable or not.  He is also able to see his competition of men who are also talking to her.  But in an online situation, it creates a fake atmosphere where people think everyone is on an even playing field.  This is why a lot of men do not get the response they want!
– The curse of the buffet.  Too many options doesn’t necessarily mean its a good thing.  Many people get overwhelmed and confused by their abundance of choices.  Eventually, the profiles start blending together and it’s hard to decipher who you really want to pursue.

So with that said, I want to introduce you to some winners I met (GUYS, IT’S REALLY NOT THAT HARD TO STAND OUT.  YOUR COMPETITION SUCKS ASS):

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