HOW TO: Spot Pussy Control (and Dick Control)

Gentlemen, there’s this fucked up thing that many of you like to do that I call “Dick Control.”  Don’t play coy, you know exactly what I mean.  Maybe you’re a little lonely, your girlfriend just dumped you, or you just got yelled at by your dickhead boss.  You need a little pick-me-up.  So, you flip through your mental rolodex of all your exes and ex-hookups.  Then you make a list of all the girls who you have the upper hand with.  The chick that wanted your babies?  Perfect.  The one that refused to change her Facebook relationship status a year after the break up?  Perfect.  Oh and the girl that threatened to cut herself if you ever left her?  Too perfect.

You now proceed with the low-hanging fruit.  Start with the girl that you know would pump up your ego in a hot second.  So, you make a little phone call…no…text instead, you don’t want to put too much effort into this, and suggest a casual meetup.  She just wet her pants.  You have no intentions of starting anything again but you know the least you’ll gain from this is a confidence boost.  And that’s exactly what she offers.  She tells you that you look great.  Notices you’re stressed and seems sincerely concerned.  She comforts you with her gentle caress.  And offers to make you feel better by picking up the tab and opening up her legs.  You leave her apartment feeling rejuvenated.  You won’t call her again for awhile, because it’s time to move to the next girl on your list.  You gotta keep these bitches in check by exercising Dick Control over them.

As much as we hate when you do this to us, we also do it to you.  It’s called “Pussy Control.”  And the funny thing is, the poor girl you have Dick Control over probably has Pussy Control over some poor guy.  It’s all part of a large fuck-over pyramid, but we’ll save that discussion for another time.  So, how can you spot Pussy Control?

1) She broke your heart.  It could be as deep as you were in love with her and she didn’t love you back, or as shallow as she was way out of your league and she knew it.  Either way, when you two had “relations,” she was the settler and you were the reacher.

2) She randomly contacts you.  It’ll seem totally out of the blue and she has no good reason other than, “just wanted to say hi.”  Unlike Dick Control, she won’t initiate a meetup, but she will somehow finagle you into asking her out.  Her: “Was just thinking about you and wanted to see how you’re doing.”  You: “Let’s catch up in person [and maybe you’ll take me back so I can prove to my friends that you aren’t a bitch].”

3) She only talks about herself.   This catchup session turns into a therapy session.  She tells you about her fight with her roommate, her promotion, what’s on her DVR, and her obsession with vanilla bean cupcakes.  She doesn’t care if she’s boring you because she knows she doesn’t have to impress you.  You’re perfectly happy just staring at her.

4) She fishes for compliments.  Her ego needs TLC right now so she’ll find every which way for your compliments (like how it was when you two were dating).  Maybe she’ll mention the new jeans that she’s wearing and she isn’t sure about the tightness of the fit.  In which you’ll reply that they look phenomenal on her [tight ass].  And she might throw in the fact that her new male co-worker always stops by her desk for small talk when all she wants is to get work done.  In which you’ll reply that the co-worker has a big crush on her [because any man would have a crush on her].  She may also tell you that she’s been taking boxing classes and her arms (as she holds them up) feel so sore.  In which you’ll tell her how great her arms look [and you want to see what the rest of the her body looks like…naked].

5) She avoids talking about her love life.  If you have enough balls to ask her about who she’s dating, she’ll beat around the bush and give you some vague answer like, “Nobody special, dating is exhausting.”  The truth is, she probably just got dumped by some guy or her crush just rejected her.  But she’ll want to make you think that you still have a chance, when in reality, you have no chance in hell.

6) She won’t commit to plans.   Now that you think you have her back in your life, you may want to ask her to hang out again.  Her answer will most likely be, “I’m about to get really busy at work, so hopefully in a couple weeks I’ll have more time.”  A busy girl will make time for the guy she likes.  This girl has no intentions of seeing you again in the near future.

7) She leaves things open ended.  Although she won’t commit to future plans, she doesn’t want to close the doors either.  This was a test to make sure she still has Pussy Control over you, but she’ll have to test you again in a couple months.  So while you guys say goodbye, she’ll tell you how great it is to catch up and how you should check out her boxing classes sometime.  Listen dude, she doesn’t really want you to check out her boxing classes but she wants to make you think she does.

Unlike Dick Control, Pussy Control is exercised when our romantic lives are not going well or we don’t feel physically attractive.  We may have 10,000 girlfriends telling us that we’re beautiful, smart and a great catch, but it doesn’t compare to hearing all that from a guy.  But this is what you should know, a girl who exercises Pussy Control with you has no intentions of being romantically involved with you.  That is, until you show that she no longer has pussy power over you.  Once you spot symptoms of Pussy Control, do everything OPPOSITE of what she expects.  If she’s fishing for compliments, don’t compliment her and change the subject to what’s going on in YOUR life.  If she contacts you out of the blue just to say hi, then tell her you’re great and that you hope she’s well too.  It’s a power balance and once you show her that she doesn’t have the upper hand, she may actually start respecting you.

But I must warn you, the pussy is very powerful.  If you don’t let it have power over you once, it will strike again.

 

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