People Afraid of Penises

Snow sculptures in the shape of penises have created an uproar in Lafayette, Indiana.  The neighbors are not happy to see male genitalia, especially Ms. (Va)Ghina Robinson.

Along the same lines, no girl really likes seeing your penis.  We like the way it feels, but aesthetically, it’s not a masterpiece.  I know girls who are actually afraid of seeing penises and can only have sex in the dark.  I wonder, though, if our general “dislike” of cocks is because the lack of them in the media.  In porn (even porn for women), the penis takes a backstage to the vagina.  In movies, we see a gazillion boobs but I’m still curious what mini Brad Pitt looks like.

So what I’ve learned from this video is that we need to show more penises.  The end.

A Note on Oral Sex

I don’t know what I was smoking when I wrote Good Vibrations…Down Under.  EVERYBODY likes oral sex.  So I must clarify that some people do not like it because they’ve never experienced someone who knew what they were doing.  C’mon, you’ve had that girl who used too much teeth.  Similarly, we’ve all had that guy who was a little too much dog and not enough human.  For girls, when oral sex is bad, it’s baaaad.  And I will put the blame on us, because we don’t tell you when you’re bad.  We still thrust and moan, which gives you affirmation that you’re doing a good job.  Then you’re going to use the same retarded technique on the next girl.

From today, let’s make a pact.  You study up on your oral sex skills.  Porn is a good start.  “Sit on my face” never fails.  I, on the other hand, will encourage girls to help you perfect your technique by guiding you with our hips and hands, or verbal commands.  I will also advise girls to get dick sucking tips from the gays.  Deal?  Deal.

Cumma Cum On My Face

I love me some porn but it sets some unfair sexual expectations for those of you who are less experienced or totally clueless in bed.  Case in point: cum on face.  In the pornos, it seems as if the girls are “rewarded” with some jizz on their mug.  I mean, after we just risked lock-jaw giving a BJ and rode the motherfucker for hours, there’s nothing more we’d rather finish with than sticky, bleach-flavored goo on our face, right?  Gross.

Listen, we spend hundreds to thousands of dollars on products for our face that lift, firm, tone, clean and smooth.  Until there’s some scientific study that proves your cum has any of those said benefits, please keep it off of our face.

In the meantime, my friends and I like to sing a little jingle that goes “Cumma cum on my face, I’ll be waiting for you…” to the tune of the Three’s Company theme song.  You’re welcome.