Archive for the ‘Oral Sex’ Category
When She Swallows, What Does it Mean?
Posted: 03/30/2011 by Singlefied in Oral Sex, SexTags: datingisms, felatio, miss singlefied, oral sex, semen increases risk of throat cancer, semen is an antidepressant, semen reduces risk of breast cancer, singlefied, sucking dick, swallowing cum, swallowing semen, why do some women swallow
OK OK, it feels fucking good when you can cum inside a woman’s mouth, especially when she gently sucks you while you ejaculate. [I just re-read that sentence 100 times] Although we know you like it like that, not all of us do it like that. When a girl chooses to swallow, what does it mean?
Let me first clear up something: there is nothing sexy about your semen. It’s got the texture of Elmer’s glue mixed with the scent of chlorine and sweaty balls. It’s a fucking chlorinated, sweaty ball stew. I don’t care how diligently you’ve studied porn (oh, that was your major in college?), we are not thirsty for your sticky juice. I was lucky enough to discuss this topic with my girlfriends this past weekend and we’ve all agreed, yo’ jizz don’t taste so good. One of my friends did reveal that her ex who ate a lot of fruit (pineapples, strawberries) tasted sweet. The same food items that make our twats taste good have the same benefits for you. However, most of you live on steak, potatoes, french fries, burgers…making your ‘izz taste like ‘ish. But I digress, because we all agreed that we’d much rather suck your dick than lick a pussy. You guys have it rough too. Anyway, girls still swallow sometimes, so what does it mean?
1) She doesn’t know any better. Ever since her first boyfriend asked her to, she just assumed that that was normal. Lucky for subsequent guys, this chick thinks not swallowing is weird. Don’t question it, let her live in a parallel universe drowned in semen. If she one day stops swallowing, it’s a sure sign that things are going downhill. Maybe you need to give more, if you want to keep receiving more. How to spot her: She opened her mouth and said “ahhh” from the very beginning. There was no warm up period.
2) She likes you, a lot. This girl has some real feelings for you, and this is her way of showing it. It’s a very unselfish gesture, knowing that you would reap all the benefits while she intakes the dead babies and unwanted calories (approx 7 calories/teaspoon). With this girl, all you need to do is ask for her to swallow. She wants to please you, so tell her how you can be pleased. How to spot her: When she spends more and more time with mouth-to-cock, next time leave a paper towel next to the bed. The challenge for her is the swallowing part, not the cum-in-mouth part, so give her an “out” with a handy dandy towel.
Aside from all the nastiness of your semen, I’ll fair balance this by saying that there are benefits. Cum is a proven anti-depressant (women were less suicidal when having unprotected sex), and it may reduce the risk of breast cancer. Now you can prove your case for swallowing. However, semen could increase her risk of throat cancer (HPV-linked).
Happy hump (and swallow) day!
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Miss Singlefied Answers Your Dating Questions via Video
Posted: 03/26/2011 by Singlefied in Ask Ms. Singlefied, Butt Sex, Casting, Celebs, Dating, Events, First Date, How To, International Dating, Online Dating, Oral Sex, Pick-Up Strategies, Sex, Technology, Your AppearanceTags: dating advice, dating questions, dating sociologist, dating tips, miss singlefied, youtube, yue xu dating coach
Happy Pineapple & Pussy Day
Posted: 03/16/2011 by Singlefied in How To, Oral Sex, SexTags: oral sex, pineapple and pussy day, steak and blowjob day, what makes vagina taste good
Happy belated Steak & Blowjob Day! Apparently, 3/14 (one month after Valentine’s Day) is declared the male Valentine’s Day, otherwise known as Steak & Blowjob Day. It’s a self-explanatory holiday where you’re rewarded with…well…steak and a blowjob. That’s all fine and dandy except I don’t think Steak & BJ Day is the male answer to Valentine’s Day. Sure, on V-Day we get treated to a nice meal, etc etc. But, it’s not like we’re guaranteed some quality oral sex from you. Actually, we want to pleasure you MORE on V-Day to reward you for all your effort and planning. However, the expectations of Steak & BJ Day are pretty clear. We must treat you to a steak and a blowjob. That’s not fair then. So, as a good compromise, I declare today, 3/16, Pineapple & Pussy Day.
Here’s how I picture the description in future history books: “Pineapple & Pussy Day was started on 3/16/11 by NYC dating coach, Yue, as an answer to Steak & Blowjob Day on 3/14. On this day, women are treated to pineapples, which are delicious and proven to make pussy taste delicious as well. Then, they are spoiled with longer-than-usual sessions of hot and steamy pussy licking from a member of the opposite sex.”
Happy P & P Day. And if you don’t have pineapple handy, the following foods will also improve vaginal taste:
- Yogurt
- Berries
- Papaya
- Parsley
- Celery
- Lots of water
- Cranberry juice
- Peppermint
- Spearmint
- Wheat grass
- Lemon
- Mango
Get to work, boys!
Date a Stripper (Part 2 of 3): Slippery When Wet!
Posted: 02/24/2011 by DickLambert in Oral Sex, SexTags: date a stripper, fuck a stripper, golden shower
Written by: Dick Lambert
Continuing on from last week’s stripper post of the rules of dating a stripper, this week is about fucking one. What’s it like to bang a stripper, Dick? The first time I had just exit interviewed out of a long relationship, my mates being the mates that they are took me to the local strip club to celebrate my release after serving.
A cute, short, and stacked blond comes by to ask if I want a lap dance. I say no, maybe later. A little later she comes back in a different outfit; now sporting panties, ass-less chaps, and a cowgirl hat with tall black boots. She says “It’s later, lets go.” My friends give me the nod that this one’s on them.
We go to the middle of the lap dance room and she starts grinding away and talking to me. I find out she is from a town not far from me but lives in Hawaii, and she is here to visit her family. We continue talking more all the while she is grinding a little harder on me. The song ends and she continues, not even pausing to ask if I want another dance or not. Another two songs go by and she is really creating a lot of friction between us. I feel her getting warmer and I swear I feel a slight dampness on my leg. She continues to grind until she finally shudders and collapses into me. She says “Thank you,” kisses me on the cheek and then tells me to sit up front for her show.
The show starts and I am up front as requested. She is dressed as a sexy teacher doing a dance to Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher.” She lavishes me during her performance as if it’s my bachelor party. She tells me to wait for her. My friends leave me. She comes out after the place is closed and I am rideless, milling about a little unsure. She wants to go to her hotel so she can change.
At the hotel, I head into the bathroom with the intention of taking a leak. She rushes in and tells me not to waste it, while dragging me into the shower. The water is running and we get naked as the shower is pelting us. She gets on her knees, tells me to piss into her open mouth. Who am I to say no? I piss in her mouth. She tells me over and over she isn’t a slut like a mantra while we have the best stand up shower fuck that I still haven’t come close to topping today.
Not every stripper will have you piss in her mouth as your mileage may vary, but it will likely be a very extreme experience for good or bad. Just go with it. Next week, I will write about the price of dating a stripper. What could be so bad about a girl who lets you golden shower her vocal cords? Just you wait.
Today I picked up the February 7th issue of New York Magazine and was alarmed by the article “He’s Just Not That Into Anyone” by Davy Rothbart. What alarmed me the most was that I am hearing more and more from women that more and more of the men they encounter seem to have some type of erectile dysfunction be it porn-related or otherwise. Here is my fast rule breakdown if you find yourself flaccid mid game;
She is blowing you then it’s likely her technique and you should gently suggest an adjustment that best suits you.
You are drilling away and suddenly pop out and your missile crashes into the side of her thigh. Ouch! If you don’t recover fast then it’s game over depending on your pain tolerance or maybe you like it when it hurts you sick pup.
You suddenly find yourself flaccid for the first time. Apologize. Then try one more time. If it doesn’t work on the second try then do not proceed to the third try this isn’t baseball regardless of what witty baseball metaphor we have employed in the past.
Sports Psychology that shit right away after you beat a hasty and apologetic retreat reassuring her it isn’t her. What caused it? Was it her? Something turn you off? What? Something on your mind? Has this happened before? If it’s happened before then go talk to a therapist. Take some Viagra. I understand you don’t want to talk about it because then it could actually become an issue but if you see a pattern do something about it.
I’m serious because here is what I hate. I hate when a woman is on my sheets and she has brought you to bed with us. No I don’t mean a threesome, you wish. Since you went flaccid in her head she thinks it’s her so it’s going to screw with her head and thus screw with my time in bed with her until I can take her over the top so she forgets about your noodle. I don’t want to work that hard and I’m the only one who should be doing the screwing on my sheets damn it!
I would also add that you do a real self assessment on how addicted to porn you are and how often you masturbate and if you have ever picked masturbation over having real sex with a real woman. Today the world is always trying to go for things that are more convenient and easier. I am well aware that masturbation is great and convenient as hell. I also wouldn’t be writing for Singlefied if the dating game was a walk in the park either. Assess yourself and regardless of the assessment unplug often from your Sparkwire.com addiction. Enjoy the real thing!
Porn is outrageous entertainment made to titillate and entertain like big blockbuster movies are suppose to be bigger then real life. When and if you ever bang a porn star you will find that their on screen antics at work do not equate to the love making in their relationships 100%, so why compare or hold your girlfriend to false expectation either? I admit to you reader that my most memorable ones weren’t always the wildest but the few quality women whom I would lay next to and admire her for her as the sun came up (and I had to get the fuck out before she woke up).
Stay hard!
Written by: Dick Lambert
Vaginal Contractions Attract Aliens?
Posted: 01/20/2011 by Singlefied in Oral Sex, Technology, UncategorizedTags: ballerina vaginas, black swan, joe davis, MIT, queefing, vagina contractions, vaginal noises
I heard from someone that MIT scientists emitted sounds of vaginal contractions into space to attract aliens. Just a little skeptical, I went home and researched it. So it turns out, it’s (mostly) true. In 1986, MIT research affiliate, Joe Davis, was concerned that outerspace creatures had not been exposed to human genitalia. He decided to record vaginal contractions of ballet dancers and transmitted the sounds into neighboring star systems.
First of all, was Mr. Davis trying to attract aliens or scare them away? I mean, emitting sounds of vaginas in their feeding mode is not the most appetizing bait. And balleriginas (good word, I know)? Really?! Good thing Black Swan didn’t come out back then because those are some of the scariest cunts that would give aliens nightmares. Lastly, it’s inevitable that there was some queefing sprinkled in the soundtrack, right? I’m sure you’ve experienced the awkward vaginal fart noises during sex when fluids and air bubbles are involved. Do these aliens really want to hear some foreign object devouring and farting? I think I just lost a little bit of respect for Mr. Davis and MIT.
Speaking of queefing, I once met a girl who went by the name Queen LaQueefa. Now, that’s true talent. Turn up the volume on this video (but probably not at work).