Archive for the ‘Oral Sex’ Category

The best condoms as used by Japanese porn stars

Written By: Dick Lambert

I am torn at times between the sentimental notions of romance put forth by today’s romcoms, my insatiable lust to fuck like a rabbit, and the stark realization that sometimes I find women too much trouble to deal with on a romantic or even lustful level. Guys, let’s all admit right here right now if there did not exist the slightest hope of fucking any woman in our deranged mind, would we actually bother speaking with them? I sometimes more than others think the answer is no.

That very reason is what has at times led me to taking part the oldest profession in the world and I am not talking about politics. Yes, there certainly is a stigma around prostitution but I don’t think it really has impacted the business, no matter the economy, men still need to get their drink on and whores.

A friend and I were going to a strip club together around Christmas. Oddly enough my friend was married at the time to a stripper. Go figure. We really have no limit to our debauchery. We stopped at a nearby ATM when two blonde Brazilian women pulled up next to us in a black open top Jeep. Using very poor broken English they asked us where the club was we were about to head to. Patricia (her real name because really who gives a fuck, she is a whore) and her friend whose name escapes me as I didn’t fuck that particular whore, both followed us.

After the club closed we followed the girls and their pimp to their brothel apartment in a convoy of sin. I got Patricia because she spoke a little broken English and the other whore only spoke Portuguese. Patricia was young, with that amazing natural tan Brazilian skin that you want to run miles on with your hands, tongue, and dick. She was petite with small tits but an amazing Brazilian ass hung on that tiny fuckable frame like a masterpiece by Gauguin.

Same quick words of wisdom on whore fucking;

1) Trust your instinct if you think she is a diseased skank, she is.

2) Don’t be afraid to slow her down and take control as it’s on your dime. She just wants to get it over with. Slow her down, it’s your hour and it’s an hour, not a race, to make you cum.

3) This is your chance to get some freak on. She likely won’t say no, at worse charge you a little more. Gain some real world fucking experience and practice on that whore.

I slowed Patricia down and put her in doggie happily slapping that delicious rotund ass around. I was fucking like Santa Claus jingling this Latina ass like the dirty little reindeer she was, too much Christmas reference? One of the best things to do with a whore is to figure her out like a the puzzle all woman are and get her to cum. You do have an hour. Patricia started moaning and I started moaning. I heard my friend in the room next to me and his girl. I also heard the pimp probably in the living room getting his lemon squeezed by some other girl. Soon enough it became a symphony of moaning, then it became a competition between the three of us, and then finally it just became comedic to us all.

I heard my friend laugh and turned to see him and his girl standing there naked making moaning sounds. He suggested she help me and Patricia out. She got on the bed and started licking my balls as I continued to pound Patricia. The pimp walked through the room, smiled at us, and grabbed a towel, completely naked, so surreal. I tried to get my hours worth but with the frantic ball licking, Patricia’s perfect ass slamming into me, the natural warmth her body gave off, and my desire to end this weird situation brought me to a satisfying climax. I got my money’s worth, all of it BS free, no drama, no craziness and maybe Patricia one day bought a house or at least got herself some English lessons.

Singlefied does not advocate prostitution and asks you to respect your state laws.

Written by: Dick Lambert

April showers bring May flowers but this time her name was Brook. Brook was a petite woman about five feet four inches on a tall day. You know and enjoy the type that just begs to be thrown around the room as you both break furniture during your lusty couplings. The first time I was with Brook I was in for a surprise. I was held fast between her two curvaceous thighs putting in my time eating her out.

Now, when I’m with a woman for the first time I like to pull out one and only one Dick Bag of Tricks. Brook was into me going down on her as she rarely let me up for air. My face was was being smothered against her wet mound. I had to regain some control so I started focusing more on her exposed clit while fingering her. My head was hovering over her while my tongue lapped away like a greedy kitty at a saucer of milk. Meanwhile, my finger was deep inside her entering more towards the top and angled back down. I am amazed that woman say most guys can not keep a rhythm while doing two things at once. Practice! I really got into a smooth rhythm and her gasping was a good indication that I was doing what she wanted. Early warning sign that I should have picked up on was how wet she was getting before I pulled out from my bag of “dickly” tricks. The sheets were getting pretty soaked. Finally, I could tell she was about to climax as she held my head above her clit telling me not to stop in a sexy panting voice that just egged me on further. My finger, still inside her moving back and forth but struggling to stay inside as it’s like a slip and slide. She cums and I feel the pressure build up in an instance as her muscles tense everywhere and release. Keep in mind she is holding my head down as a stream of warm liquid wetness goes up my arched finger right into my mouth and face!  I am soaked and the bed sheets are soaked through.  She holds me fast until she is done and then collapses deeper into the mattress. I am awestruck for a moment as I gasp for breath and futilely wipe my drenched face. She smiles and we both say that was fantastic. Well, it turns out Brook is a squirter able to get so wet and build up such pressure she actually squirts a stream of orgasmic joy. I don’t think it surprises you to know that Brook ended up being my first wife!

Written by: Dick Lambert

My first threesome was on Halloween (others to follow all seems to revolve around Halloween). Lori & Janet were very best frenemies. Lori was blond, seemingly innocent eyes, and short with very dangerous curves. Janet, a brunette was always competing with Lori with an amazing ass and sultry eyes. I was dating Lori at the time and my friend Tom was dating Janet, but Tom isn’t very important to this story as you will soon read.

Somehow plans between all of us got really messed up. The girls thought we were going to stay in to watch movies while we thought we were going to a mutual friend’s Halloween party. Tom and I dressed up, arriving to pick up the girls who weren’t dressed up and had no desire to go out. Tom leaves pissed off for the party. I shrug, and proceed inside with my Spartan costume. Janet winks at me and says “good choice.”

The movie is on and we are sitting on the couch. Lori asks me if I am cold since I have little on, so she grabs a big blanket, and we all get under it. Janet offers us drinks and half way through the movie we all have a healthy buzz going. Lori and I are teasing each other under the blanket. I’m trying to get down her tight jeans to finger her while she is stroking my dick.

Janet suddenly grabs the blanket from us saying that her and Lori should dress up like Greeks since I’m still in costume. I’m pretty sure Janet sees my hard on. Sure enough, they come back moments later wearing nothing but bedsheets loosely wrapped around their bodies with a bottle of wine and chocolates.

Drinking the wine and feeding each other chocolates, they both joke about Roman orgies and Ménage à trois. I’m feeding Janet chocolates as she starts sucking on my fingers. I look over at Lori with an expression of fake horror. Lori looks at me only to smile as she reaches over to save some for her. I feed her some chocolates also as she sucks down on my fingers in a way I am very familiar with. I’m kissing Lori and then I’m kissing Janet; one eye opens looking at Lori who is watching approvingly. Just when I close my eyes ready to go, they both stand up. I figure game over.

Janet and Lori drop their bedsheets standing naked in front of me as the light from the TV flickers an outline around them. Lori says since I’ve been good and it’s Halloween, I should get a treat for staying with them. They both take off my costume. Kneeling, they both start sucking me off. Everything is better in twos from tits to ice cream scoops but nothing compares to two girls giving you amazing head. Feeling two tongues on my shaft and balls almost made me explode right there. Their tongues are fighting over who puts me in their mouth next. One is sucking away on the head of my dick while the other is sucking on my balls. Lori tells me I better not cum.

Janet suddenly jumps on me, impaling herself on my cock. Lori gets on the couch in order to sit on my face. I am pretty sure they are making out. Lori is grinding so hard on my face I think she might break my nose. I can’t protest because Lori is a squirter, getting so wet where I am almost drowning in her juices between her thighs. Janet cums with a shudder but regains her composure quickly and they switch places. Janet tastes different and smells muskier then Lori, but I love it and lap her up.

They both get off me only to go back down on me. Janet is working my stick and Lori is licking my balls. The climax is building in me, I can’t hold it as I explode into Janet’s mouth. The sensation of near asphyxiation from them sitting on my face and their two dueling tongues on my dick and balls is nearly too much for me, as I am spent. Lori gets up first and says “lets go shower together…”

OK OK, it feels fucking good when you can cum inside a woman’s mouth, especially when she gently sucks you while you ejaculate.  [I just re-read that sentence 100 times]  Although we know you like it like that, not all of us do it like that.  When a girl chooses to swallow, what does it mean?

Let me first clear up something: there is nothing sexy about your semen.  It’s got the texture of Elmer’s glue mixed with the scent of chlorine and sweaty balls.  It’s a fucking chlorinated, sweaty ball stew.  I don’t care how diligently you’ve studied porn (oh, that was your major in college?), we are not thirsty for your sticky juice.  I was lucky enough to discuss this topic with my girlfriends this past weekend and we’ve all agreed, yo’ jizz don’t taste so good.  One of my friends did reveal that her ex who ate a lot of fruit (pineapples, strawberries) tasted sweet.  The same food items that make our twats taste good have the same benefits for you.  However, most of you live on steak, potatoes, french fries, burgers…making your ‘izz taste like ‘ish.  But I digress, because we all agreed that we’d much rather suck your dick than lick a pussy.  You guys have it rough too.  Anyway, girls still swallow sometimes, so what does it mean?

1) She doesn’t know any better. Ever since her first boyfriend asked her to, she just assumed that that was normal.  Lucky for subsequent guys, this chick thinks not swallowing is weird.  Don’t question it, let her live in a parallel universe drowned in semen.  If she one day stops swallowing, it’s a sure sign that things are going downhill.  Maybe you need to give more, if you want to keep receiving more.  How to spot her: She opened her mouth and said “ahhh” from the very beginning.  There was no warm up period.

2) She likes you, a lot. This girl has some real feelings for you, and this is her way of showing it.  It’s a very unselfish gesture, knowing that you would reap all the benefits while she intakes the dead babies and unwanted calories (approx 7 calories/teaspoon).  With this girl, all you need to do is ask for her to swallow.  She wants to please you, so tell her how you can be pleased.  How to spot her: When she spends more and more time with mouth-to-cock, next time leave a paper towel next to the bed.  The challenge for her is the swallowing part, not the cum-in-mouth part, so give her an “out” with a handy dandy towel.

Aside from all the nastiness of your semen, I’ll fair balance this by saying that there are benefits.  Cum is a proven anti-depressant (women were less suicidal when having unprotected sex), and it may reduce the risk of breast cancer.  Now you can prove your case for swallowing.  However, semen could increase her risk of throat cancer (HPV-linked).

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Happy belated Steak & Blowjob Day!  Apparently, 3/14 (one month after Valentine’s Day) is declared the male Valentine’s Day, otherwise known as Steak & Blowjob Day.  It’s a self-explanatory holiday where you’re rewarded with…well…steak and a blowjob.  That’s all fine and dandy except I don’t think Steak & BJ Day is the male answer to Valentine’s Day.  Sure, on V-Day we get treated to a nice meal, etc etc.  But, it’s not like we’re guaranteed some quality oral sex from you.  Actually, we want to pleasure you MORE on V-Day to reward you for all your effort and planning.  However, the expectations of Steak & BJ Day are pretty clear.  We must treat you to a steak and a blowjob.  That’s not fair then.  So, as a good compromise, I declare today, 3/16, Pineapple & Pussy Day.

Here’s how I picture the description in future history books: “Pineapple & Pussy Day was started on 3/16/11 by NYC dating coach, Yue, as an answer to Steak & Blowjob Day on 3/14.  On this day, women are treated to pineapples, which are delicious and proven to make pussy taste delicious as well.  Then, they are spoiled with longer-than-usual sessions of hot and steamy pussy licking from a member of the opposite sex.”

Happy P & P Day.  And if you don’t have pineapple handy, the following foods will also improve vaginal taste:

  • Yogurt
  • Berries
  • Papaya
  • Parsley
  • Celery
  • Lots of water
  • Cranberry juice
  • Peppermint
  • Spearmint
  • Wheat grass
  • Lemon
  • Mango

Get to work, boys!

Written by: Dick Lambert

Continuing on from last week’s stripper post of the rules of dating a stripper, this week is about fucking one.  What’s it like to bang a stripper, Dick? The first time I had just exit interviewed out of a long relationship, my mates being the mates that they are took me to the local strip club to celebrate my release after serving.

A cute, short, and stacked blond comes by to ask if I want a lap dance. I say no, maybe later. A little later she comes back in a different outfit; now sporting panties, ass-less chaps, and a cowgirl hat with tall black boots. She says “It’s later, lets go.” My friends give me the nod that this one’s on them.

We go to the middle of the lap dance room and she starts grinding away and talking to me. I find out she is from a town not far from me but lives in Hawaii, and she is here to visit her family. We continue talking more all the while she is grinding a little harder on me. The song ends and she continues, not even pausing to ask if I want another dance or not. Another two songs go by and she is really creating a lot of friction between us. I feel her getting warmer and I swear I feel a slight dampness on my leg. She continues to grind until she finally shudders and collapses into me. She says “Thank you,” kisses me on the cheek and then tells me to sit up front for her show.

The show starts and I am up front as requested. She is dressed as a sexy teacher doing a dance to Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher.” She lavishes me during her performance as if it’s my bachelor party. She tells me to wait for her. My friends leave me. She comes out after the place is closed and I am rideless, milling about a little unsure. She wants to go to her hotel so she can change.

At the hotel, I head into the bathroom with the intention of taking a leak. She rushes in and tells me not to waste it, while dragging me into the shower. The water is running and we get naked as the shower is pelting us. She gets on her knees, tells me to piss into her open mouth. Who am I to say no? I piss in her mouth. She tells me over and over she isn’t a slut like a mantra while we have the best stand up shower fuck that I still haven’t come close to topping today.

Not every stripper will have you piss in her mouth as your mileage may vary, but it will likely be a very extreme experience for good or bad. Just go with it. Next week, I will write about the price of dating a stripper.  What could be so bad about a girl who lets you golden shower her vocal cords?  Just you wait.

Is Porn Making You Flaccid?

Posted: 02/04/2011 by DickLambert in How To, Oral Sex, Sex, Technology

By Anuraag-FulayToday I picked up the February 7th issue of New York Magazine and was alarmed by the article “He’s Just Not That Into Anyone” by Davy Rothbart. What alarmed me the most was that I am hearing more and more from women that more and more of the men they encounter seem to have some type of erectile dysfunction be it porn-related or otherwise. Here is my fast rule breakdown if you find yourself flaccid mid game;

She is blowing you then it’s likely her technique and you should gently suggest an adjustment that best suits you.

You are drilling away and suddenly pop out and your missile crashes into the side of her thigh. Ouch! If you don’t recover fast then it’s game over depending on your pain tolerance or maybe you like it when it hurts you sick pup.

You suddenly find yourself flaccid for the first time. Apologize. Then try one more time. If it doesn’t work on the second try then do not proceed to the third try this isn’t baseball regardless of what witty baseball metaphor we have employed in the past.

Sports Psychology that shit right away after you beat a hasty and apologetic retreat reassuring her it isn’t her. What caused it? Was it her? Something turn you off? What? Something on your mind? Has this happened before? If it’s happened before then go talk to a therapist. Take some Viagra. I understand you don’t want to talk about it because then it could actually become an issue but if you see a pattern do something about it.

I’m serious because here is what I hate. I hate when a woman is on my sheets and she has brought you to bed with us. No I don’t mean a threesome, you wish. Since you went flaccid in her head she thinks it’s her so it’s going to screw with her head and thus screw with my time in bed with her until I can take her over the top so she forgets about your noodle. I don’t want to work that hard and I’m the only one who should be doing the screwing on my sheets damn it!

I would also add that you do a real self assessment on how addicted to porn you are and how often you masturbate and if you have ever picked masturbation over having real sex with a real woman. Today the world is always trying to go for things that are more convenient and easier. I am well aware that masturbation is great and convenient as hell. I also wouldn’t be writing for Singlefied if the dating game was a walk in the park either. Assess yourself and regardless of the assessment unplug often from your addiction. Enjoy the real thing!

Porn is outrageous entertainment made to titillate and entertain like big blockbuster movies are suppose to be bigger then real life. When and if you ever bang a porn star you will find that their on screen antics at work do not equate to the love making in their relationships 100%, so why compare or hold your girlfriend to false expectation either? I admit to you reader that my most memorable ones weren’t always the wildest but the few quality women whom I would lay next to and admire her for her as the sun came up (and I had to get the fuck out before she woke up).

Stay hard!

Written by: Dick Lambert

I heard from someone that MIT scientists emitted sounds of vaginal contractions into space to attract aliens.  Just a little skeptical, I went home and researched it.  So it turns out, it’s (mostly) true.  In 1986, MIT research affiliate, Joe Davis, was concerned that outerspace creatures had not been exposed to human genitalia.  He decided to record vaginal contractions of ballet dancers and transmitted the sounds into neighboring star systems.

First of all, was Mr. Davis trying to attract aliens or scare them away?  I mean, emitting sounds of vaginas in their feeding mode is not the most appetizing bait.  And balleriginas (good word, I know)?  Really?!  Good thing Black Swan didn’t come out back then because those are some of the scariest cunts that would give aliens nightmares.  Lastly, it’s inevitable that there was some queefing sprinkled in the soundtrack, right?  I’m sure you’ve experienced the awkward vaginal fart noises during sex when fluids and air bubbles are involved.  Do these aliens really want to hear some foreign object devouring and farting?  I think I just lost a little bit of respect for Mr. Davis and MIT.

Speaking of queefing, I once met a girl who went by the name Queen LaQueefa.  Now, that’s true talent.  Turn up the volume on this video (but probably not at work).