Posts Tagged ‘oral sex’

Written by: Dick Lambert

April showers bring May flowers but this time her name was Brook. Brook was a petite woman about five feet four inches on a tall day. You know and enjoy the type that just begs to be thrown around the room as you both break furniture during your lusty couplings. The first time I was with Brook I was in for a surprise. I was held fast between her two curvaceous thighs putting in my time eating her out.

Now, when I’m with a woman for the first time I like to pull out one and only one Dick Bag of Tricks. Brook was into me going down on her as she rarely let me up for air. My face was was being smothered against her wet mound. I had to regain some control so I started focusing more on her exposed clit while fingering her. My head was hovering over her while my tongue lapped away like a greedy kitty at a saucer of milk. Meanwhile, my finger was deep inside her entering more towards the top and angled back down. I am amazed that woman say most guys can not keep a rhythm while doing two things at once. Practice! I really got into a smooth rhythm and her gasping was a good indication that I was doing what she wanted. Early warning sign that I should have picked up on was how wet she was getting before I pulled out from my bag of “dickly” tricks. The sheets were getting pretty soaked. Finally, I could tell she was about to climax as she held my head above her clit telling me not to stop in a sexy panting voice that just egged me on further. My finger, still inside her moving back and forth but struggling to stay inside as it’s like a slip and slide. She cums and I feel the pressure build up in an instance as her muscles tense everywhere and release. Keep in mind she is holding my head down as a stream of warm liquid wetness goes up my arched finger right into my mouth and face!  I am soaked and the bed sheets are soaked through.  She holds me fast until she is done and then collapses deeper into the mattress. I am awestruck for a moment as I gasp for breath and futilely wipe my drenched face. She smiles and we both say that was fantastic. Well, it turns out Brook is a squirter able to get so wet and build up such pressure she actually squirts a stream of orgasmic joy. I don’t think it surprises you to know that Brook ended up being my first wife!

OK OK, it feels fucking good when you can cum inside a woman’s mouth, especially when she gently sucks you while you ejaculate.  [I just re-read that sentence 100 times]  Although we know you like it like that, not all of us do it like that.  When a girl chooses to swallow, what does it mean?

Let me first clear up something: there is nothing sexy about your semen.  It’s got the texture of Elmer’s glue mixed with the scent of chlorine and sweaty balls.  It’s a fucking chlorinated, sweaty ball stew.  I don’t care how diligently you’ve studied porn (oh, that was your major in college?), we are not thirsty for your sticky juice.  I was lucky enough to discuss this topic with my girlfriends this past weekend and we’ve all agreed, yo’ jizz don’t taste so good.  One of my friends did reveal that her ex who ate a lot of fruit (pineapples, strawberries) tasted sweet.  The same food items that make our twats taste good have the same benefits for you.  However, most of you live on steak, potatoes, french fries, burgers…making your ‘izz taste like ‘ish.  But I digress, because we all agreed that we’d much rather suck your dick than lick a pussy.  You guys have it rough too.  Anyway, girls still swallow sometimes, so what does it mean?

1) She doesn’t know any better. Ever since her first boyfriend asked her to, she just assumed that that was normal.  Lucky for subsequent guys, this chick thinks not swallowing is weird.  Don’t question it, let her live in a parallel universe drowned in semen.  If she one day stops swallowing, it’s a sure sign that things are going downhill.  Maybe you need to give more, if you want to keep receiving more.  How to spot her: She opened her mouth and said “ahhh” from the very beginning.  There was no warm up period.

2) She likes you, a lot. This girl has some real feelings for you, and this is her way of showing it.  It’s a very unselfish gesture, knowing that you would reap all the benefits while she intakes the dead babies and unwanted calories (approx 7 calories/teaspoon).  With this girl, all you need to do is ask for her to swallow.  She wants to please you, so tell her how you can be pleased.  How to spot her: When she spends more and more time with mouth-to-cock, next time leave a paper towel next to the bed.  The challenge for her is the swallowing part, not the cum-in-mouth part, so give her an “out” with a handy dandy towel.

Aside from all the nastiness of your semen, I’ll fair balance this by saying that there are benefits.  Cum is a proven anti-depressant (women were less suicidal when having unprotected sex), and it may reduce the risk of breast cancer.  Now you can prove your case for swallowing.  However, semen could increase her risk of throat cancer (HPV-linked).

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Happy belated Steak & Blowjob Day!  Apparently, 3/14 (one month after Valentine’s Day) is declared the male Valentine’s Day, otherwise known as Steak & Blowjob Day.  It’s a self-explanatory holiday where you’re rewarded with…well…steak and a blowjob.  That’s all fine and dandy except I don’t think Steak & BJ Day is the male answer to Valentine’s Day.  Sure, on V-Day we get treated to a nice meal, etc etc.  But, it’s not like we’re guaranteed some quality oral sex from you.  Actually, we want to pleasure you MORE on V-Day to reward you for all your effort and planning.  However, the expectations of Steak & BJ Day are pretty clear.  We must treat you to a steak and a blowjob.  That’s not fair then.  So, as a good compromise, I declare today, 3/16, Pineapple & Pussy Day.

Here’s how I picture the description in future history books: “Pineapple & Pussy Day was started on 3/16/11 by NYC dating coach, Yue, as an answer to Steak & Blowjob Day on 3/14.  On this day, women are treated to pineapples, which are delicious and proven to make pussy taste delicious as well.  Then, they are spoiled with longer-than-usual sessions of hot and steamy pussy licking from a member of the opposite sex.”

Happy P & P Day.  And if you don’t have pineapple handy, the following foods will also improve vaginal taste:

  • Yogurt
  • Berries
  • Papaya
  • Parsley
  • Celery
  • Lots of water
  • Cranberry juice
  • Peppermint
  • Spearmint
  • Wheat grass
  • Lemon
  • Mango

Get to work, boys!

A Note on Oral Sex

Posted: 12/21/2010 by Singlefied in Oral Sex, Sex
Tags: , , , ,

I don’t know what I was smoking when I wrote Good Vibrations…Down Under.  EVERYBODY likes oral sex.  So I must clarify that some people do not like it because they’ve never experienced someone who knew what they were doing.  C’mon, you’ve had that girl who used too much teeth.  Similarly, we’ve all had that guy who was a little too much dog and not enough human.  For girls, when oral sex is bad, it’s baaaad.  And I will put the blame on us, because we don’t tell you when you’re bad.  We still thrust and moan, which gives you affirmation that you’re doing a good job.  Then you’re going to use the same retarded technique on the next girl.

From today, let’s make a pact.  You study up on your oral sex skills.  Porn is a good start.  “Sit on my face” never fails.  I, on the other hand, will encourage girls to help you perfect your technique by guiding you with our hips and hands, or verbal commands.  I will also advise girls to get dick sucking tips from the gays.  Deal?  Deal.

Good Vibrations…Down Under

Posted: 12/12/2010 by Singlefied in Oral Sex, Sex
Tags: , , ,

Why do girls like vibrators?  Because they vibrate.  Vibrations feel good down there.  Next time you visit vajayjayland, try moaning or humming.  It’ll drive her insane.

And while we’re on the topic, can I just dispel the myth that EVERY girl likes it when you go down on her?  It’s simply not true.  I know plenty of girls who are really not into it and even if they go down on you, they’d rather you not reciprocate.  So, how would you ever know?  Talk about it.  Ask.  Know what she enjoys from the get-go so you can maybe save your tongue for other parts of her body.