Posts Tagged ‘dating sociologist’

If you know anything about Miss Singlefied is that she holds nothing back.  And lucky for you, the self-proclaimed “masculinist” will be interviewed live by Just Call Her founder Tommy Danger.  That means anything goes, from dating advice to why rejection is tied to a woman’s ovulation cycle.  TONIGHT! @11pm EST!  You can call-in to join the conversation or tune in as she tucks you into bed.

In case you missed it, you can listen to the entire 30-minute interview here.

3 things happened to me recently.  I was interviewed (and quoted) for a a blog post on Cougars on Urbane Perspective.  I randomly came across an episode of Strange Sex on Discovery Health on Cougar-Cub relationships, namely a 73-year-old Hattie on a first date with a 33-year-old Ron.  Then, a client of mine just recently started dating a woman 8 years his senior.

FACT: As of 2003, 34% of women in the U.S. over the age of 40 are dating younger men. (Strange Sex)

Guys, if you remember from my Dating Timeline, most of you will go through a period of dating older.  For some of you, it may stick for a while and a small percentage of you will even end up marrying a cougar.  So before you start searching for love on Cougar Life, let me give you some Pros and Cons.


She’s established.  Older women tend to be at a more stable stage in life (than you), thus; creating more stability and less drama than clueless 20-year-olds.

She’s independent.  They’ve made it this far alone, so they’ve accumulated enough resources and confidence to survive on their own.  They’re not dependent on your or your money.

She’s at her sexual peak.  Women reach their sexual peak much later than men, so it makes sense that a 35-year-old woman would want to hump all day with her 21-year-old boy toy.  How can any guy argue with that?

She’s eager to teach.  You, mister, have a lot to learn.  An older woman has been through more than you in life and in bed.  Also, she’s probably been with enough men to know exactly what you want, too.  Such as, how to hold your balls when you’re about to jizz.

She knows what she wants.  Older women tend to play less games because they’ve been there, done that.  They’ll lay out all their cards from the beginning so you know what you’re getting into.

She wants to play.  Listen, a 40-year-old woman knows pretty well that she’s not going to find lasting love with a 22-year-old guy straight out of college.  Chances are, she’s had her share of heartbreaks, serious relationships, and maybe even marriages.  This is her time to play.  Recess, anyone?


She comes with baggage.  Maybe it’s distrust of men from a cheating ex.  Anger from a nasty divorce.  Or a strong desire for independence due to a possessive former flame.  Older women may have their ish together and have enough self-awareness to recognize the baggage they carry.  But it doesn’t mean they don’t have baggage.

Age will come up.  In arguments, she will play the age card.  When you’re losing at Trivial Pursuit, she will play the age card.  As much as you both think age is just a number, there are fundamental physical, mental and cultural differences that you can’t possibly ignore.

You’re disposable.  A woman dating a man significantly younger than her (10+ years) sees him as an accessory.  She wants to bring him to parties, show him off to her friends, and bring him to her 20 year high school reunion.  All is fun and games until you start feeling emotionally attached, and she starts flirting with your younger brother.  This is not the case for all, but it is a valid concern.

She’s set in her ways.  She has a way of living her life and she knows what she likes.  It’ll take a lot to break her out of her routine or to do anything your way.

She doesn’t want to take care of you.  It’s often the misconception that cougars provide maternal love to their younger lovers.  Although all women have a basic level of maternal instinct, an older woman does not want to take care of the man she’s dating.  She wants to care for you but not baby you.  If you’re looking for a 2nd mom, you have a better chance of convincing your mom to become a lesbian.

Your friends may not get along.  Her friends may be married with 5 kids and your friends are still doing keg stands.  It’s going to be hard to get everyone to hang out as one big happy group.  Not getting your friends to hang out together could put a damper on your joint social life.

So there you go!  Just like with any girl, there are Pros and Cons.  I believe everyone should try dating outside of their age range, race, comfort zone…so go for it.  Mrs. Robinson is waiting!

I recently went to my first speed dating event with some girlfriends.  For those of you who are not familiar with speed dating, here is how it works: you’re put in a private room (usually at a bar/club) with other daters and possible lovers.  You get a scorecard (as pictured) and fill in your interest level for each person you meet.  For most events, you have 5-8 minutes/person.  For larger events, you have 1-2 minutes/person.  In one night, you could meet anywhere between 10-50 singles.  After you’ve met everyone, you pick your top choices and if there’s a match (both people indicate they’re interested), you’ll both be notified.  Then it’s totally up to you where you take it from there.  Oh, there’s usually lots of drinking involved.

After going into this with a total open mind, I would HIGHLY recommend speed dating for you guys.  Here’s why:

1) It’s great practice.  Speed dating is short and efficient.  In merely 5 minutes, you have to sell yourself but also solicit info from her as well.  The time limit will help you be direct, succinct and creative.

2) The girls have to talk to you.  That hot one with the huge tits would normally ignore you at a bar, but in this setting, she has to give you her time.  Skipping is not an option.  Maybe she and her twins will find you surprisingly sexy.

3) More women; less competition.  There’s always an abundance of women at these events.  I had to book my speed dating event almost 2 months ago because all the female spots had been sold out.  At the one I went to, the ratio of women-to-men was about 3-to-1.  And let’s just say, it’s not terribly hard to stand out from the types of guys who usually show up at these things.

4) For shits and giggles.  You have a new line you want to try out?  You want to pretend you’re a professional stunt double for Johnny Depp?  Or maybe you have 2 hours to spare before a real date?  Dude, why not shoot the shit with some girls to kill time?  What do you have to lose?

So now you have all the reasons to do speed dating, here are some pointers based on my observations and feedback from the girls:

1) Stop playing defense.  Here are some phrases I heard over and over again: “My friend dragged me here, so I’m here for him.”  “I was begged to be here by one of the owners, so I’m doing her a favor.”  “My job keeps me really busy so this is my only way to meet people.”  Don’t be insecure about why you’re doing speed dating.  By being defensive about your reasons, it makes the girls feel bad for being there, too.  It’s the same thing for online dating when a guy writes, “My friends pressured me to get on this site, so here I am.”  Well what if a girl really wanted to try something new?  You just now made her feel like shit.  Nobody wants to feel like they’re undesirable or a leftover, so leave your insecurities aside and be proud that you’ve put yourself out there.

2) Don’t be a dick or pretend to be one.  One of the guys commented on my girlfriend’s waitressing job with, “Does your day job not pay enough?”  That makes me wonder, “Is your penis not big enough?”  I don’t care how much The Game tells you to put down a woman to get her to like you, it doesn’t work if you’re directly attacking her profession.  Sure, this guy totally thought he was flirting with my friend when reality, she was immediately turned off.

3) Go with a friend.  It’s always good to tag team something like this because it creates a comfort zone for you, and girls like to see that you have friends.  It’ll also help break the ice because you can talk about your friend or even make fun of him, all in good humor of course.  And c’mon, you need someone to compare notes with at the end of the event.

4) Don’t write off anyone.  Sure, you’re not going to be attracted to everyone you meet.  So, you maybe feel inclined to be uninterested and uninteresting when you meet a girl you’re not into.  However, remember this: girls travel in packs.  You don’t know who she’s there with, and she could be BFFs with your #1 girl.  Girls talk…a lot.  And if your #1 choice is on the fence about you, she can easily be persuaded by her friends.  Make a good impression on everyone because trust me, if my girlfriend has nice things to say about you, it makes you a lot more attractive in my eyes.  [And secretly, it makes me want to compete for you.  Rawr.]

5) Have an open mind.  Do I think you’re going to find the woman of your dreams?  No.  But will you have fun if you keep an open mind?  Yes.  Listen, you’re going into speed dating for pure entertainment.  Your goal is to get to know different people and find something interesting about everyone.  Channel your inner Barbara Walters and take it on as a challenge to make the shy girl smile, get the loud girl to shut up, or better yet, charm the pants off the girl who’s out of your league.  Open mind, open heart, open legs!

Curious about speed dating? Miss Singlefied recommends Hurry Date

Yes, women watch porn.  Probably not as much as you, but we definitely do not deprive ourselves of such cinematic pleasures.  The porn that we prefer to watch; however, is a little bit different that what you guys like.  Our pornographic preferences are very telling of what we like in bed:

1) Amateur

It’s what I call “realistic fantasy.”  There’s something hot and voyeuristic about watching another real couple getting it on, not some hired porn star making contrived faces and stretching out her vagina for a close-up.  Amateur porn is also very relatable; thus, we can easily put ourselves in that situation and experience vicariously through the familiar characters on-screen.

Your takeaway:

It’s somewhat hard for women to have fantastic sex with a stranger.  First-time sex and one-night-stands are rarely enjoyable.  We want familiarity with the person, because we need an emotional connection to fully enjoy sex.  What you should know is 1) don’t beat yourself up if your first time with a girl is not pornographic mind-blowing and 2) if the two of you have hot sex, she is at a certain level of comfort with you and there are emotional ties.

2) Partial nudity

We like using our imagination because our mind likes to fill in the blanks.  It’s sexy to watch a girl riding a guy with her bra straps hanging and her skirt flapping.

Your takeaway:

You want to get us naked, we got that.  But if you want to get us really turned on, don’t rush the undressing stage of foreplay.  Linger around every button, zipper, snap, strap, and latch.  It’s easy with overtly sexy clothes (lacy tops, drawstring skirts, etc), but some clothes are meant to be made sexy.  So she’s wearing your XL T-shirt.  Instead of taking it off the conventional way, slither your hands from the neckline or the sleeves to caress her breasts.  Maybe she’s wearing tight-fitting jeans.  Instead of doing the awkward peel-off, unzip her jeans and peel just right past her ass, then finger her in that confined space.  This feeling of urgency and naughtiness (like you’re trying to do it discreetly so no one can see) will drive her utterly insane.

3) Established environment

Half of what turns us on about porn is the act of what they’re doing, and the other half is where they’re doing it.  We’re into establishing shots of a bedroom, park, office, kitchen, or whatever it may be.  It sucks when a porn starts with a facial close-up or POV shot of cock-in-pussy.  We need to know where they fuck they are so we can place ourselves in that fantasy.

Your takeaway:

Be creative with where sex takes place.  And just a hint, it doesn’t always need to end up on a bed.  On the floor next to the bed, pressed up against the wall, on a kitchen counter, on the stairway, in the closet, etc.  If you’ve been fucking a girl for a while, before you start introducing new positions, toys, fetishes, or your anus, try switching up the environment first.

4) Storyline

Why are women so turned on by the movie Unfaithful with Diane Lane?  Because the hot sex scenes were preceded by a hot storyline.  Bored, suburban married woman runs into smoldering hot and sexy French man whose chemistry is so undeniable that they have to fuck no matter how wrong it is.  The lead-up to sex is just as important as the sex itself.

Your takeaway:

If you’re really trying to get a girl in bed, you got to set the mood for it.  We’ll be a tigress when all 5 of our senses are aroused.  So, your story leading up to sex should include something visual (start with a stroll in the park), tasty and smells good (nice dinner or good wine), touchy (make sure to casually touch her arm or leg throughout the evening), and pleasant to the ear (put on some music back at your place).  A story like that should always end up in the horizontal mambo.

5. Emoticons. 

You may think you’re being cute, when we think it’s your passive aggressive way of saying “like me” or “just kidding.”  Man up to what message you’re trying to get across and don’t hang your insecurities on a stupid cartoon face.

4. Unplanned dates.

When you ask a girl out, you should already have a plan in mind.  Although plans may change and things could come up spontaneously, we still want to know that you put in some effort.  Some of you think presenting an open-ended date is your polite way of letting us have a say in what to do.  Guess what?  You ask us out.  You plan.  Then, we’ll make alternative suggestions if needed.

3. Empty invites.

It really irks us to hear a guy say the words, “we should do that sometime” and then never follow through with it.  The more you give us empty invites in passing, the more we’ll write you off as the boy who cried wolf.

2. Empty promises.

Similar to empty invites, don’t give us empty promises like “I’ll call you tomorrow after work” or “I want to take you to dinner Thursday” and never come through with a plan.  I’m sure you’ve all had a friend who does this to you, too.  When a guy tells us he’s going to do something, we expect him to do it.  No girl wants to date a flaky douche.

1. Fishing.

If you want to ask us out, ASK. US. OUT.  I’m astonished by how many guys I see writing texts or emails like, “Do you like to watch movies?” “Maybe we should hang out sometime,” “What do you like to do on weekends?” and “There’s this new restaurant I’ve been meaning to check out.”  Stop fishing for a girl to invite herself on a date with you.  Instead of beating around to bush to see if we’d be interested, why not just come right out and ask us out on a definitive date?  Remember: pussies never get pussy.

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Last weekend, my hot leggy friend Bethenny asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with her and her girlfriends.  Her text to me was, “We have a driver and dinner will be free.”  Fully intrigued, I agreed to tag along.  As I waited on the curb, a nice SUV pulled up with a group of attractive girls, like in any good rap video.  The driver was a quiet, older gentlemen (probably in his 50’s).  On our way to the restaurant, Bethenny would speak to the driver in a tone that was very unlike her – she was mean and bossy.  The driver, on the other hand, was not fazed by Bethenny’s commands, and even seemed to be encouraged by her irritated tone.  What the fuck was going on?!

We pulled up to the restaurant and the driver asked Bethenny if he gave us enough money for dinner.  She replied, “If we don’t have enough, I’ll get more from you.”  So…this guy’s not just a driver.  He dropped us off and pulled into a parking space; I waited for him to join us.  I was wrong.  The dude waited in his car while we dined for the next 3 hours.

Turns out, he is Bethenny’s “client.”  He pays her to boss him around and make him do things, such as clean her apartment, drive her around the city, take her shopping.  He also occasionally asks for her to step on him, in stilettos.   The man, a former football coach, apparently went through something traumatic in his early adult life where he now feels indebted to women.  He devotes his time and money to his master, Bethenny.  He even put her in his will.

Like you, I question if there is something sexual (although Bethenny has never done anything remotely sexual with him).  You know, there has to be.  I’ve known many dominatrices (did you know that’s plural for dominatrix?  I had to google it), especially when I lived in the Bay Area.  Some of the most high-powered CEO’s in Silicon Valley would boss people around during the day and hire this woman Ally to boss them around at night.  And it wasn’t just verbal commands, it was spanking, yanking, pulling, tugging, whipping, hitting, cutting, thrashing, and bullying.  One of Ally’s most popular services was pissing or pooping…on them.  And for the golden shower rookies, they would lie beneath a clear coffee table while she’d do her thing on top of it.  Believe it or not, sex was never involved.

In the case of Bethenny’s football-coach client and the Bill Gates of Silicon Valley, it almost makes sense.  They devote their days to telling other people what to do and in their domestic life, they just want to be told what to do.  But then I wonder, why is there not a female equivalent.  Meaning, why is it that the more powerful a woman is in her work life, the more bossy she is in her domestic life?  You’ll rarely hear of a woman who is some hot shot bossy boss by day and lets her husband micromanage her at home.  And furthermore, why is there no such thing as a male dominatrix (as a hired profession, not a fetish such as male doms and sadists)?  Are women inherently able to be powerful in all aspects of life when men are only able to act in such a way in their profession?  Do men deep down just want to be bossed around by women, and actually get off on it?  Does a couple work better when the woman wears the pants?  Are men unable to hit/beat women even if she wanted it, because of social norms?  Why is it when a guy beats a girl, he’s Chris Brown, and if a girl beats a guy, it’s assumed self defense?

Lastly, would you get off on a girl stepping on you in stilettos?  ‘Cause I have a closet full…

Happy weekend everyone!

Lately, I’ve been thinking about all the things that girls do to improve our performance in the sack.  First, we have millions of best-selling books on how to pleasure a guy in bed.  There’s even one for squirting!  Yup, a step-by-step instructional booklet on teaching ourselves to squirt.  Then, we have kegel exercises where we contract and relax our vaginal muscles.  And recently, there’s the popular pole dance and striptease classes that “help improve women’s confidence” when in the end, it’s about showing off what we learned in class for our men.  If all that wasn’t enough, now there’s a new class called Kama, which I see it as a combination of yoga, kegel, stripping and dry humping.  The purpose is to strengthen the pelvic muscles used frequently during sex.  Check out this video, I got a little hot and bothered:

So, what do you guys do to train you for better sex?  Jacking off?  Doesn’t count, because that’s all about your penis, not about if your penis is pleasuring your hand.  Watching porn?  C’mon, how many of you are really taking copious notes on how clits are being licked.  Blow-up dolls?  Nope, because they can’t tell you what feels good and what doesn’t.  Again, it’s all about how the doll makes you feel.

In conclusion, I’ve come up with a fair solution.  While we’re busy toning, tightening and strengthening our vag and pelvic muscles, your only job is to train your penis to be erect and stay erect.  I found this great article on that has kegel exercises for men.  The easiest exercise for you is control your urine flow, meaning stop your piss midway.  By doing so, “you will be able to have better sex by being able to better control your orgasms and ejaculations, and last for longer, plus you may get the added kudos of being able to hold up a wet towel with your erection if you practice these Kegel exercises for men.”

Ahhh, what a wonderful world it would be to hear the stop-and-go of urine next time I pass by the men’s bathroom.  Dreams. Can. Come. True.

And P.S., how many of you have just looked up Kama class schedules at your nearest Crunch for a little observation?  Pervs.

Every time girls go out, it’s inevitable that we’re approached by a creeper.  Sucks for us but awesome for you!  Why?  Everything is relative, so if you immediately talk to a girl after she has been creeper attacked, by comparison, you’ll seem 10x more normal and desirable.  And if you’re the one to get rid of the dude, you’ll come off as the hero.  Here’s how The Creeper Sweeper works:

1) Spot or plant The Creeper. He’s usually alone and creating quite a stir with a girl or group of girls.  You can tell by the disgusted looks on the girls’ faces.  He may be saying stuff such as, “Where you girls going after this?  How ’bout in my pants?” or “Who loves butt sex?  Raise you hand!”  He may also be the silent creeper; the guy with a staring problem who hovers around girls making them incredibly uncomfortable.

2) Follow The Creeper until he reaches your target. The good thing about him is that he makes his rounds.  It is without a doubt he’ll end up bugging the girl you’re digging.

3) Let The Creeper do his thing. ALWAYS let him be creepy first and perform his one-man-play, “I Use Lines from Pornos in Real Life.”  Sometimes girls mistaken his first act as a funny, party guy who may be really drunk.  By his 2nd act, he’ll have offended someone.  And during his last act, one of the girls will try to shoo him away unsuccessfully…because The Creeper is also a lingerer.

4) Sweep The Creeper. As soon as he performs his last act, go in there and save the day.  If it looks like he gets the point and is leaving, go approach the group immediately.  Now, if it looks like he’s still lingering, gently escort him away.  Don’t fight with him, because he’ll be belligerent.  Once he’s gone, make up some shit like, “I see this guy here every week, I’m sorry you girls had to deal with him.  I thought you were going to slap him! [point to hottest girl in the group]”  Perfect ice breaker.

All of a sudden, you just became the most attractive guy in the room!  Fuck yeah.

If this technique is too involved and if you’re ballsy enough, take my Toast and Bolt challenge instead.

Dating is like selling yourself as a product and seeing who wants to buy.  But how can you really sell yourself if you don’t know your product?  Self-awareness and understanding is something lacking among many men, so this week, I challenge you to go back to Marketing 101 and get to know your product.  SWOT yourself:

STRENGTHS – What do you do best?  What are you good at?  What have your past girlfriends admired about you?  Your best personality traits?  What are you most proud of? What advantages do you have over other guys?

WEAKNESSES – What are you not comfortable doing?  What is out of your comfort zone?  What have your ex’s complained about?  What would your biggest critic say about you?  What do you suck at?  What places you at a disadvantage to other guys?

OPPORTUNITIES – What are some external factors that could provide positive outcomes for you?  Ex: Just joined a co-ed softball team that could provide opportunities to meet new people.  Or seasonal dating is in full effect.  Or a hot girl just moved into your building.

THREATS – What are some external factors that could impede you from getting a positive outcome?  Ex: Your ex-girlfriend won’t leave you alone.  Or your identical twin just joined the same dating site as you.  Or your family members usually don’t age well.

Having a good sense of yourself will not only help you sell yourself better, but will also help you date more efficiently.  The goal is to work on your weaknesses while finding opportunities to highlight your strengths, and using your strengths to combat any potential threats.

Class dismissed.