Ask Miss Singlefied: STD testing…how to bring it up?

The best condoms as used by Japanese porn stars

Eyes Wide Shut

Have you ever fucked a girl who wouldn’t open her eyes?  How did it make you feel?  Not awesome.

We have also fucked guys who keep their eyes closed and that’s the ultimate turn-off in bed.  During sex, you’re suppose to look at us lustfully, drool over our naked body, bouncing breasts, and endless curves.  If you don’t admire us with your eyes, we feel like we’re raping a 12-year-old boy who’s afraid to check out at his hot teacher.

To make it extra steamy in bed, there’s almost nothing sexier than making strong eye contact, especially in the middle of changing positions.  It shows your undeniable confidence, manliness, and attraction towards your sex partner.

As you venture into your sexual escapades this weekend, don’t forget to open your fucking eyes and admire the masterpiece you’re penetrating.

Postcoital Female-Male Dynamic

My good friend Derick told me once that he can tell when two people have slept together by observing their interactions in public.  “In a group setting,” he said, “if two people have slept together, the girl tends to be more submissive to the guy she slept with.” For example, she might laugh harder at his jokes, let him make decisions on what drinks to get, or become unusually mousy.  This is especially apparent when the girl is normally a Type A personality.

Derick is a genius because there is a fundamental difference between men and women in terms of how we feel after sex.   You guys are able to separate sex and feelings a lot easier than girls can.  You’re also able to see sex as just sex.  As a result, you may end up fucking something you’re not so proud of, but you can own up to it.   After having sex with a fugly girl, you may laugh about it with your friends.  “Dude, she had a hairy bush but I found her cooch anyway.”  “Her face was so nasty, we just did reverse cowgirl the whole night.”  However, for girls, we like to think that we don’t make sex mistakes.  In a society that labels girls who have many sexual partners as “skanky whores,” we find ways to justify our number.  So, after sleeping with a guy (whether it was worthwhile or not), we want to validate to our friends and to ourselves that it was the right decision.   In turn, we tend to act more favorable towards that guy in a group situation.  We want to believe that he is funnier than he really is.   He can totally pull off a turtleneck.  Those aren’t man boobs, it’s baby fat!   He is hot…from certain angles…and the right lighting, but he is hot.  No really, he is.  I swear.

Happy Monday, everyone!  Next time you’re in a group situation, see if you can spot who’s secretly screwing!

Make Manhandling a New Year’s Resolution

When I hear girls describing their best sex partners, it’s always along the lines of, “then he threw me up against the wall,” “all of a sudden, he flips me,” “there was a little spanking.”  The excitement for us is really rooted in idea of dominance.  We want to role play with you; whether it’d be in the form of a powerful woman or a damsel in distress.  Manhandling is probably one of the hottest things you can do to us in bed, but some of you may be a little too polite.  For 2011, make it a point to take advantage of your caveman mentality.  Here are some hot manhandling techniques you can try:

– Flip us from position to position.  Preferably with one arm.  Ex: While she’s riding you, grab her waist and curl her underneath you for some good ol’ fashioned missionary style.  Some girls coin this as “The Flip” and we dote on it at brunch.

– Press her up against a wall or a door.  Then if you’re feeling extra advanced, lift her up and wrap her legs around your waist.

– Tug her hair.  Especially when you’re in doggystyle.

– Press against her neck.  Notice I don’t use the word “choke.”  I’m afraid some of you might pull a Lennie from Of Mice and Men.

– Rip her clothes off.  But not literally rip them.  I’ve heard of way too many stories of half-ripped panties that get stuck on the girl’s leg, or injuries from rip-offs gone wrong.  Plus, we like our clothes in one piece ’cause what would we wear on our walk of shame?

– Spanky spank that ass.  And if you’re gonna spank it, commit.  Half-assed spanks are as manly as wet fish handshakes.  Spread those fingers, aim for that juicy ass, and SPANK!  Ya better make a sound but no hand prints necessary.

Manhandling makes things hot and sexy but don’t get all Chris Brown on her.  If you break something, you pay for it.

Vibrating Cock Ring

You should invest in a Vibrating Cock Ring .  It not only stimulates her clit and drives her wild, you’ll also last longer and feel a warm sensation from the vibrator being close to your prostate.  It’s a good starter toy, especially for those of you who are more conservative in bed.

They run from $3-$80.  The cheaper ones are disposable and are not recommended to be used more than once.  The more expensive ones are durable, meant for multiple uses.  But if you have multiple partners, don’t be gross and reuse the same one.  Danka.

HOW TO: Deal with Penile Performance Anxiety

12% of guys are medically impotent but over 70% of men experience performance anxiety, which is not a disorder, more of a mindset.  The majority of us girls have encountered Mr. Softies every now and then.  There are several ways to deal with it next time your cock goes limp:

1) Acknowledge that you’re limp.  It’s surprising how many of you guys will ignore your sleepy cock and still attempt to penetrate.  Stop trying to rub your shriveled penis against our skin hoping it’ll wake up.  It’s best that you stop attempting sex and accept the fact that your mini-me is on protest.

2) Diagnose your problem.  Try to figure out why you’re suffering from Penile Performance Anxiety (PPA – yeah, I just made that shit up).  There are many contributing factors: you’re nervous, you’re stressed, you really like the girl, you’re too wasted, you’re no longer turned on, you’re insecure about the size of your penis, or an image of your Aunt Bertha just popped into your head.

3) Breathe.  A lot of times the lack of oxygen combined with nerves contributes to PPA.  Sexual energy is a natural flow and anxiety and nervous disrupt the flow.  If you breathe and relax yourself, it’ll be easy for you to get it up again.

4) Communicate.  Don’t apologize for your floppy penis, it makes you seem pathetic.  What you should do is offer an explanation to the girl.  Often times, we just assume you don’t find us attractive, which makes us self-conscious and less fun in bed.  If you offer us an explanation (“Listen, I had a stressful day at work.  I find you incredibly sexy and I think I just need to relax”), we’ll be impressed by your maturity and confidence, and take the blame off of us.

5) Offer a solution.  Like I said, most of the time PPA happens when you’re not relaxed.  Offer to give each other massages, extend foreplay, and take things slower.  If you feel comfortable doing so, ask the girl to rub your head (the one on your shoulders), this is the best way to calm your nerves.  When you feel like you’ve been rebooted, re-introduce some of your perversity.  The contrast between calm and horny will give you a boost of energy and increase in your blood flow, allowing your buddy to rise to the occasion.

6) Take preventative measures.  We often encounter guys, when hit with PPA, who say, “Shit, this happens to me every time I drink.”  Or “I usually have this problem when I first sleep with someone.”  If you see a pattern, do something about it!  If you know drinking makes you impotent, don’t drink as much.  If nerves are the problem, offer to do massages right before foreplay.

7) Know when you have a dead penis.  There is a huge difference between a dead and a floppy penis.  A floppy penis has signs of vitality.  A dead penis is completely lifeless.  If you have a dead penis, you should go see a doctor.  Erectile dysfunction cannot only affect your love life, but it can also affect your mental well-being.

Magic Hour Gets You Laid

There’s a time right before a bar closes that is almost guaranteed to get you laid.  “Magic Hour” is about 1.5 hours before closing time.  In New York, it would be around 2:30am.  If you stick around during this time (or take the short cut and just hop into a bar right around then), you’re bound to leave with someone.  Usually by then, girls are wasted and horny, their prospects have already left, their friends may have ditched them, and there’s just less people in general.  Instead of getting lost in the crowd, now’s your chance to be that knight in shining armor who will appear in her blurry vision to save her from projectile vomiting all over the bar.  Yes, this one may be a little sloppy, but beggars can’t be choosers.

And remember, don’t forget your exit strategy the morning after.

So You’re a Virgin? Get a Hooker

You may be at an age where most of your friends have stuck their penis in a pussy and/or asshole.  Your penis has only met a hand or a mouth.  Technically, you are a virgin.  You know what?  You’re not as rare as Four Loko (you can still buy on eBay, btw), but also not as common as professional athletes who cheat on their hot wives.

There are 3 shared barriers with all the male virgins I’ve met:

1) You don’t know how to close the deal

2) You’re afraid you won’t know what you’re doing

3) You’ve waited this long, why not wait for the girl of your dreams

The first step to combating barriers #1 and #2, is to get over #3.  Let’s say you meet the girl of your dreams, how the hell are you going to please her in bed when you’ve never done it with a human before?  I suggest you just get it over with…with a prostitute.  Before you totally reject this idea, think about it.  You’re guaranteed sex.  Barrier #1, check.  You don’t need to impress her, in fact, you should take this opportunity to get some pointers from her.  Ask her what turns her on, what are some major no-no’s, and then ask for demonstrations.  Barrier #2, check.  And while some hookers are nasty ho-bags, there are hot and smart ones out there believe it or not.  Don’t you remember the pretty elementary school teacher who was fired for blogging about her days as a Craigslist sex worker?  Barrier #3, potential check.

Sex is a sport.  The more you practice, the better you’ll be.  Just like how athletes invest in personal training, you should invest in some personal sexing.  Now go get’em, sport!

P.S., here’s a special treat for ya.

Which Would You Rather Screw: Butterface or Butterbody?

You guys seem to have no problem pointing out the butterfaces (hot body, bad face), but butterbodies don’t ever get a mention.  So in this battle of a toned Kathy Griffin vs. a jiggly Megan Fox, who would you rather fuck?

[Did I just hear you choose Kathy Griffin over Megan Fox?]

The Big O: Big Myth

Now that you’re (hopefully) getting laid more than usual, I just want to get one thing clear: our orgasm shouldn’t be your #1 goal.  For us, it takes a combination of MANY emotional and physical factors to hit the big O, and these factors differ from woman to woman.  Some of us need to feel safe, comfortable and confident.  Some need the right lighting.  Some girls even need to be wearing the right clothing.  Whatever that magic combination may be, it’s not something you can determine right away so stop asking us “Are you gonna come for me, baby?”  No, we’re not gonna come for you. We want to have fun in bed, feel sexy and attractive, and we should turn each other on.  Our heavier breathing, louder moans and faster throttles do not necessarily indicate our proximity to O-land.  It simply shows that we’re having a damn good time.

You should not be concerned with us coming before you, just like how you shouldn’t get cocky if we do come.  It may have had nothing to do with you.  I know girls who can orgasm just by mentally fantasizing, and others who rely solely on vibrators.  This way, you won’t feel bad if we are O-less, and we won’t feel the need to fake it. :0