Happy Monday! Fun Ice Breaker/ Panty Dropper

1) Think of your favorite color.  Describe it with three words.

2) Think of an animal.  Describe the animal using three words.

3) Think of your favorite body of water (natural or manmade).  Describe that using three words.

4) Imagine you’re in a room that is painted all white, with no doors or windows.  Describe how you feel using three words.

GOT IT?  DON’T SCROLL PAST THE LINE UNTIL YOU’VE GOT ALL YOUR ANSWERS.

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The words you used to describe your favorite color are how others perceive you.  Your words for the animal are how you see yourself.  Your descriptors for your favorite body of water describe your sex life.   And your feelings inside the white room are how you perceive death.

Interesting, here are my answers:

Color/Others Perceive Me: Hot, Passionate, Turbulent  (Someone hose me down!  Or give me Adderall)

Animal/Self-perception: Furry, Intelligent, Agile  (Yikes, furry?)

Water/Sex: Blue, Clean, Confined (Note to self: buy whips and chains)

White Room/Death: Liberated, Lonely, Abandoned (Right on point)

Now of course if you’re hitting on a chick, the only question you need to ask is, “Describe your favorite body of water using 3 words.”  One of my friends answered, “Large, salty, and turquotic.”  I’m guessing you don’t need to waste a drink on her.

The Dating Timeline (who you should be dating at your age)

I’ve spent years gathering the dating timeline of men and women, and this is a rough draft of what I’ve gathered.  For those of you who are graphically-challenged, this is how you read this chart:

If you’re not married by [insert age rage], this is what you’re thinking [insert words below age range].  Then follow the red arrow(s) to which women you should be dating.

Let’s go through each age range for males, shall we?

22-24: First couple years of out college feel so good.  You’re a man.  A real man.  Making real money.  Dude, you’re ready for a family because that’s what men do.  You should be dating —> 31-34 year old chicks because they’re real women, and they’ll make you feel more like a man.  Plus, they’re ready to get serious.

25-27: Your quarterlife crisis begins with you being screwed over by some chick who you thought could be wifey.  She did something terrible…maybe cheat on you, leave you for your best friend, or run off to Europe, never to be heard from again.  Fuck that cunt.  You want to stick your penis wherever you can, because it somehow feels like revenge.  You should be dating fucking —> 25-35+ year old chicks because they want your penis in them.  Especially the cougars.

28-30: The aftershock of the quarterlife crisis.  You want to give your cock a break and re-evaluate where you are in life.  Maybe this is a good time for a career change, go back to school or even relocation.  You’re ready to reclaim your role as a man again, and it would be nicer to have a woman by your side.  You should be dating —> 28-30 year old females because they’re going through the same thing.

31-34: The now improved version of you has reawakened your penile gallantry.  You may be balding and your gut may be growing, but shit, you’re making more money and your job title is impressive.  Your penis yearns for tight pussy and tight pussy you shall receive.  You should be dating —> 22-24 year old girls because they mistaken your age for maturity and power and 25-27 year old hussies because your “status” somehow makes them feel empowered.  Plus, they’re hussies.

35+: Dating crazy bitches when you were young was fun, but now you just don’t have the energy for it.  After the last 22-year-old faked her own suicide to get you to stay with her, you realize that you’re too old for this shit.  Marriage, all of a sudden, seems a lot easier.  You should be dating marrying —> 31-35 year old women because they’re worn out too.  Time to raise that white flag and give in to this institution called “marriage.”

Obviously, this is not representative of everyone, but it holds true for the majority of daters I’ve observed.  The one thing I would say is universal is the chronological order of the stages (given that you’re not married at each stage).  And the other thing that holds true is that NEVER seriously date a girl who has not gone through her slutty stage.  You’re just asking for heartbreak.  And herpes.

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Inner vs. Outer Swagger

I’m doing my usual “research” at a bar and in walks a group of guys.  One of them is clearly the leader of the pack, confidently walks in first, first bumps the bartender, greets the room with a teethy smile, and leads his group to a table in the middle of the bar.  This guy is an attention-getter and it is obvious that everybody in the bar notices him.  I’m intrigued by this guy’s outer swagger and commit to observing him for the time being.

Then, in walks, as part of the group, guy #2, who immediately steals my attention away.  My girlfriends, sitting next to me, are staring at him intensely.  “Who is that?” I hear one of them ask.   This man is not particularly that attractive, not dressed in any special fashion, but there is something about him.  He quietly but confidently walks in, gives a subtle nod to the bartender, finds his friends and sits down.  All in slow motion it seems.  He’s intently listening to guy #1 loudly re-telling a story about some whiny bitch he had dumped.  Guy #1 has just become a showy douche and guy #2’s inner swagger has stolen the show.

Outer swagger is easy to achieve because it’s like putting on a show.  You dress the part, walk the walk, talk the talk, and there you go, you’ve just accomplished outer swagger.    This guy is like the lead singer in a band.  He’s the “face” of the group, the outgoing, social, and most (perceived) talented one.  He thrives on attention and needs screaming girls throwing panties at him to reaffirm his confidence.  Girls like him because he’s very noticeable, but we all know he’s a douche because he sleeps with all the groupies and brags about it.  I bet he has a small penis and is overcompensating.  And I bet he can’t be alone.  Ever.

However, nobody gets more ass than the drummer, the definition of “inner swagger.”  Sure, he’s usually tucked away in the dark corner, and you don’t even notice him until the leader singer verbally announces him.  But once girls find him, we can’t keep our eyes off of him.  He’s really into his drums and is passionate about playing them.  He doesn’t need the lights and the abundance of attention, he just likes doing what he enjoys doing.  He doesn’t feel the need to brag or show off, because he is so confident being who he is without the bells and whistles.  I bet he has a huge cock.  And I bet enjoys being alone.  Better yet, he probably lives alone.  Extra points for him.

When I think of a man with inner swagger, the best example is John Cusack.  I’ve been obsessed with John Cusack since “Say Anything” and whenever I tell guys my celeb crush, the first reaction is always, “Really?!  Him?!”  Yup, John Cusack. No, he’s not that hot and he dresses like a bum, but that man is so confident just being who he is, he never has to prove himself to anybody.  Actually, he doesn’t give a fuck what other people think of him.  He’s never tried to live up to this celebrity status or is TMI about his personal life to woo the public.  What you see is what you get, and that inner swagger is a panty dropper.

So when you’re headed out this weekend, ask yourself if you’d rather be the lead singer, or the drummer?

HOW TO: Be a Male Gold Digger

In response to my post of How to Spot Gold Diggers, many of you wrote in and asked how you can become a gold digger.  If this is the career direction you’ve chosen to explore, who am I to stop you?  Here’s how:

1) Lower your standards.  A rich, hot girl will just attract richer men.  But a rich, not-so-hot girl wants to buy the affections of someone more attractive.

2) Know your target.  There’s a big difference between old money and new money.  You don’t want a rich girl who’s from new money.  They’re more protective of their shit.  A girl from old money grew up taking money for granted, so she’s more generous with her Benjamins.  The Old Money Girl lives in a fancy apartment that has been passed down for generations.  She went to an Ivy League school (Yale) and is currently getting her MBA at the rival Ivy League school (Harvard).  She doesn’t really need to make money but daddy has so many connections at McKinsey from yacht club that it’s hard to pass up a job offer.  And oh, her great grandmother’s 7-carat engagement ring is ready for you, whenever you want to propose.

3) Find your target.  She’ll be at the hottest spots in the city.  She hates it because she knows nobody will hit on her, especially when she hangs out with her best friends (since childhood) Perky Tits and Malibu Barbie.  But she goes, because these are the places her friends drag her to.  You can spot her right away.  She’ll be the ugly one in a group full of JAPS.

4) Hit on her aggressively.  She won’t be used to it and she’ll love the attention.  Compliment her full lips and piercing eyes, even if she doesn’t.  Tell her she smells like heaven even with her pit stains are showing through her shirt.  Make shit up ’cause she’ll eat it up.

5) Embrace your poorness.  This girl always gets set up by daddy with guys from the yacht club who’d rather fuck supermodels, because they can.  She’s jaded by her own kind, so she wants something totally different.  She wants to feel important and needed.  Brag about how you’re a starving artist, you live paycheck-to-paycheck, but how you have big plans if only you had money.  BAM!  You’re now her new project, she wants to help you.

6) Pay in sex.  This lonely girl just wants affection, not your money.  Make sure when she hands over that credit card at Per Se or surprises you with a new XBOX, you fuck her until she can’t walk.  So she can brag about it to Perky Tits and Malibu Barbie the next day.

7) Consider her an investor. Gold digging is a business transaction.  Spend her money wisely on things worthwhile.  Maybe you’re trying to start a business, want to invest in a restaurant, or are going to grad school.  And although no real feelings are involved, there’s respect you must give to your business partner.

Just like any business transaction, there’s a deadline.  Know how long your project will take and break up with her as soon as it’s done.  The best excuse is that now you need to focus your energy on your work and won’t have time for her.  She’ll admire your work ethic and maybe get you in touch with daddy’s connections. Daddy’s connections will also have ugly, rich daughters to support your next endeavor.

Remember though, that the main rule when digging for gold, is that make sure there is gold to be had.  Don’t settle for copper.  Multimillionaire uglies are where you should be aiming.

Breaking the Ice: The Creeper Sweeper

Every time girls go out, it’s inevitable that we’re approached by a creeper.  Sucks for us but awesome for you!  Why?  Everything is relative, so if you immediately talk to a girl after she has been creeper attacked, by comparison, you’ll seem 10x more normal and desirable.  And if you’re the one to get rid of the dude, you’ll come off as the hero.  Here’s how The Creeper Sweeper works:

1) Spot or plant The Creeper. He’s usually alone and creating quite a stir with a girl or group of girls.  You can tell by the disgusted looks on the girls’ faces.  He may be saying stuff such as, “Where you girls going after this?  How ’bout in my pants?” or “Who loves butt sex?  Raise you hand!”  He may also be the silent creeper; the guy with a staring problem who hovers around girls making them incredibly uncomfortable.

2) Follow The Creeper until he reaches your target. The good thing about him is that he makes his rounds.  It is without a doubt he’ll end up bugging the girl you’re digging.

3) Let The Creeper do his thing. ALWAYS let him be creepy first and perform his one-man-play, “I Use Lines from Pornos in Real Life.”  Sometimes girls mistaken his first act as a funny, party guy who may be really drunk.  By his 2nd act, he’ll have offended someone.  And during his last act, one of the girls will try to shoo him away unsuccessfully…because The Creeper is also a lingerer.

4) Sweep The Creeper. As soon as he performs his last act, go in there and save the day.  If it looks like he gets the point and is leaving, go approach the group immediately.  Now, if it looks like he’s still lingering, gently escort him away.  Don’t fight with him, because he’ll be belligerent.  Once he’s gone, make up some shit like, “I see this guy here every week, I’m sorry you girls had to deal with him.  I thought you were going to slap him! [point to hottest girl in the group]”  Perfect ice breaker.

All of a sudden, you just became the most attractive guy in the room!  Fuck yeah.

If this technique is too involved and if you’re ballsy enough, take my Toast and Bolt challenge instead.

Meet My Single Friends…Soon

There may be a new dating site coming to the US soon called, MySingleFriend.com, which allows users to pimp out their friends.  I actually had the same idea for a business with the same name (some of you received an email from me), but I should’ve figured that it already existed somewhere.

The problem I have with most dating sites is the amount of false information presented and the inability to screen for mental stability.  With this friend-endorsement platform, a friend can describe you much better than you can yourself.  They can highlight your strengths but also be honest about your weird habits.  And if you’re really a psycho, a true friend would gladly point that out.

The only danger I foresee is having a bad friend endorse you; maybe an ex, a friend who has a crush on you, or a frenemy.  So I guess this site would also double as a friendship test.

Since the site is not yet available for US residents, I will keep going with my weekly Singlefieds, where I will personally introduce you to quality single chicks I pick out myself.  And if you have any girls that you would like for me to feature, send them my way!

HOW TO: Determine Who is in Your League

After posting about Mila Kunis and MacCaulay Culkin, many of you wrote in to ask how to determine if someone’s in your physical attractiveness league or not.  Although I think that’s bullshit and everyone knows (deep deep down inside), try this fun exercise anyway:

1) On a scale of 1-10 (1 being someone you wouldn’t even bang after dropping e and 10,000 drinks, and 10 being someone you’d want caged up in your house for the fear of other men stealing her ’cause she’s so fucking hot), choose 3 celebrities who you would rate as a 1, 5 and 10.

2) Now, for all the girls you’ve been romantically involved with, give them a number between 1-10 relative to your 3 celebrities (the rating should be associated to the girl at the beginning of your relationship).  One night stands and random fucks don’t count.  If you don’t know her last time, it doesn’t count. You must’ve been on at least 3 dates with this girl.

3) Take the average of the numbers.  That number and below would be girls in your league.

Don’t forget, we’re only talking about physical attractiveness on your own scale (it varies for everyone).  No need to take into account personality, profession and potential.

The First 3 Dates

The first 3 dates are the most crucial in determining if you’re right for each other or not.

FIRST DATE: The purpose is to get to know each other.  I don’t believe in elaborate dinners or outings for a first date.  Trying to impress someone so hard this early on creates the Reality TV Effect, meaning you’re getting to know each other in a made-up environment that doesn’t simulate reality.  You should take her somewhere where you feel most comfortable.  Maybe a bar where you know the bartender, or your favorite pool hall.  It’s where you feel most comfortable to be just you.  And at this point, if she can’t like you in your natural habitat, she’s not right for you.

SECOND DATE: The purpose is to bond together.  This is your chance to do an activity or try something new.  Competitive activities can usually test how two people are as a team.  And trying something new together will not only make you seem adventurous, but also helps you two feel closer by tackling something foreign.

THIRD DATE: The purpose is to impress.  If you guys make it to the 3rd date, it means this is going well and she means something to you.  This is your time to impress her so she can brag to all her friends about it.  And it’ll be even better if you do something that she mentioned on the previous 2 dates.  If you haven’t slept together by now, this date will at least lead to some groping.  Maybe even motorboating if you’re good.

It only takes 3 dates to know if you like someone or not.  Efficiency dating.  Try it.

SWOT Yourself

Dating is like selling yourself as a product and seeing who wants to buy.  But how can you really sell yourself if you don’t know your product?  Self-awareness and understanding is something lacking among many men, so this week, I challenge you to go back to Marketing 101 and get to know your product.  SWOT yourself:

STRENGTHS – What do you do best?  What are you good at?  What have your past girlfriends admired about you?  Your best personality traits?  What are you most proud of? What advantages do you have over other guys?

WEAKNESSES – What are you not comfortable doing?  What is out of your comfort zone?  What have your ex’s complained about?  What would your biggest critic say about you?  What do you suck at?  What places you at a disadvantage to other guys?

OPPORTUNITIES – What are some external factors that could provide positive outcomes for you?  Ex: Just joined a co-ed softball team that could provide opportunities to meet new people.  Or seasonal dating is in full effect.  Or a hot girl just moved into your building.

THREATS – What are some external factors that could impede you from getting a positive outcome?  Ex: Your ex-girlfriend won’t leave you alone.  Or your identical twin just joined the same dating site as you.  Or your family members usually don’t age well.

Having a good sense of yourself will not only help you sell yourself better, but will also help you date more efficiently.  The goal is to work on your weaknesses while finding opportunities to highlight your strengths, and using your strengths to combat any potential threats.

Class dismissed.

My Theory About L.O.V.E.

It’s my big 3-0 today.  How’s that for some self-promotion?  This birthday feels a little different than the rest.  For one, I’ve come to really appreciate the people in my life: friends who’ve come through for me unexpectedly, family members who are supportive of my non-traditional lifestyle, and you guys, my readers who like what I have to say (whether you agree with me or not).  Also, this is the first time in my life where I’ve really embraced this concept of “love.”  Since love is in the air today, I will get grossly mushy and discuss this scary 4 letter word.

Everybody is looking for love.  We date because we’re looking to have that “feeling” with someone.  In the meantime, the other people we date are just fillers, distractions and warm bodies for lonely nights.  Love puts us in a state of mental retardation. Women often have the misconception that guys are looking for sex/fun and not love.  It’s simply not true.  What I find with my clients is that sometimes guys are more proactively looking for love than girls!  In a study of 16-year-old boys conducted by the State University of New York at Oswego, results showed that when choosing a girl to date, the boys were more motivated by love than sex and physical attraction.

So what exactly is love?  There are two types of love that you could experience within the first 3 dates with someone:

1) “Yeah, I can see myself falling in love with her”:  This is what I call Comfort Love.  She makes you feel good.  You guys have a great time together.  There’s already a level of familiarity.  You have a lot in common.  You can sense that the more time you spend together, the more your love will grow.  Is it exciting and passionate?  Not really.  It just feels good and loving.  Like being home for Thanksgiving.

2) “Holy shit, I don’t know what just hit me”:  This is what I call Risky Love.  You may not have much in common and you don’t even feel that comfortable around her.  But damn, there is just something about this chick that you can’t stop thinking about.  She drives you nuts.  She makes you second-guess yourself.  She makes you feel like you don’t have the upper-hand.  This girl challenges you and as frustrating as she can be, you can’t wait to see her again.  This type of love explains why sometimes we fall for the wrong people.  Is it stable and long-lasting?  Not really.  It’s an adrenaline rush.  Like being on a rollercoaster.

There are 3 possible scenarios that can happen in our lifetime:

a) You marry Comfort Love and then get seduced by Risky Love.

b) You are addicted to Risky Love until it mentally drains you, then you marry Comfort Love.

c) Your Risky Love transforms into Comfort Love.  (Best Scenario)

So on my very special birthday, my wish is for everyone to be surrounded with love (whether Comfort or Risky).  And fine, I also wish for there to be a rare disease epidemic among women where our only cure is to put our mouths on penises.  Better?