The Curse of the Buffet: What Happens With Too Many Choices

Happy Mardi Gras and International Women’s Day!  In other words, HAPPY TITTIES DAY.  Let’s do a little experiment.  In the boobie collage below, choose your favorite pair of tits.  GO!

You done yet?  You want me to make it bigger?  Fine, as you wish.

OK, a little boobie overload?  Are you feeling dizzy?  Did you initially choose a pair and then quickly change your mind when you spotted another pair that was overlooked?  And after awhile, you’re confused because you’re not sure if the pair you like now is what you chose initially.  You want to choose multiple pairs but you also know that some of them won’t look as good without a bra, but hey, you’re willing to chance it.  But shit, you can only narrow it down to one pair for now.  I dunno, go take a break rookie and rest your over-worked eyes.

I often say that NYC is a man’s playground.  There’s…what…10 girls for every guy?  Any Joe Schmoe from bumblefuck, Nebraska can step into a NYC bar and smang the shit out of some random chick that night.  Lucky Joe Schmoe.  Or is he really lucky?

The problem is, when we’re presented with too many options, we end up with what I call The Curse of the Buffet [dun dun dun].  Check it.  I’m sure this has happened to many of you.  You step into a buffet and get overly excited by the CHOICES of food.  My strategy is always to take a lap first and then stop at what first catches my eye.  Then…it happens.  You start grabbing anything that looks good edible.   And by the end of your meal, you 1) have no idea what tasted the best and 2) feel like shit.

The same experience happens in online dating.  Too many choices make you want to date many of your potential suitors, but in the end, you’re not sure who’s the best for you.  Plus you’re stll alone.

Similar to that is speed dating.  A recent article claims that speed dating rarely results in successful dating stories because people are presented with too many choices.  Our brain can’t process that much information.

So, what’s our takeaway from this?  I’d like to tell you, “Hey just stick to your first choice.  That’s the person who caught your eye.”  But it’s not that simple because the minute you choose her, your mind will be wondering about the girl next in line.  My conclusion is that this is a good thing to know.  Next time you’re alone on a Friday night bitching about how there are no quality girls to date and your standards are too high.  Shut the fuck up.  Stop playing the victim.  Your own inability to narrow down even a pair of titties is the cause of your unhappiness.

Party Nipples and My Thoughts on Tits

After my usual dance class, I’m chatting with my friends at Jamba Juice about a girl who doesn’t wear a bra to class.  Then, my friend Shannon brings up “party nipples.”  What’s that?  Apparently in college, before going to frat parties, her friend would flick her nipples so they’d pierce through her shirt and call them “party nipples.”  Besides picturing a chick repeatedly flicking her nipples in the mirror, I also had 2 other thoughts:

– If you’re out and spot a girl with erect nipples, that bitch is ready to party!  Sure, when a girl brings her titties out to play, she’s looking for some attention.  But when a girl invites her nipples to the party?  She means business.  This weekend, go hunting for Party Nips!

– Isn’t it funny how nipples are what define boobies?  If you think about it, the primary makeup of a breast is the mass tissue around the nipple.  However, without nipples, it’s not a certified boob.  Think about it, if you were playing Pictionary and drew two dots side by side, some perv will scream out “Boobs!”  But if you drew two empty circles side by side, some nerd would scream out “Venn diagrams!”  Another example: on TV, censored boobies are always just covered nips.  As if we don’t see the nipples, we’re not actually looking at tits, so it’s OK.  And moreover, it’s female nipples that are considered more inappropriate than male nipples.  I was watching Dr. 90210 where this man was getting surgery to become a woman.  Before the surgery, they showed him with his bare chest.  Then after the surgery, they showed his transformation but censored his nipples because he was a woman.  Thus, his new “woman” nipples had to be covered.  In reality, they were the exact same nips as the one in the before shot.  I guess producers think we’re all fucktards and can’t figure that out.

Anyway, how’s that for some Friday food for thought?  As we head into the weekend, I leave you with this infomercial for a breast shaker that supposedly increases breasts.  A Chinese product called “Top Charming”, of course.  And if you can understand Mandarin, the commentary is beyond amazing.  2:27 “I’m 20, but I look like I’m 12.”

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Tits or Ass, but Not Legs

Gentlemen: when asked the age old question of your preference between tits, ass or legs, don’t be that guy who answers “legs.”

Humans are one of the only mammals that have and like to mount in the missionary or doggystyle positions.  Why is this? Mounting Cues.  The breasts with their cleavage and the similar buttocks cleavage (go ahead wikipedia that shit) biologically act as mounting cues for males, which arouse us, increase our testosterone, and give us visual cues to a good healthy mate to further procreate the human race.

The guy who answers “legs” is full of crap because you aren’t so evolved to buck mother nature. You pick your nose like I do, you fart with a chuckle, and occasionally you shart yourself.   You are no homosuperior.  Don’t be that guy.

If you answer “legs,” it means you are trying a little to hard to be different or diplomatic.  Just answer the question truthfully.  Yes that’s right I’m telling you to tell the woman the truth.  If she has great tits and no ass then say “tits.”  If she has no ass and boring tits then ask yourself why you are speaking with her in the first place.

If your sister is curious I am an ass man myself.

Written by: Dick Lambert