Ask Miss Singlefied: Does “not now maybe later” mean you still have a chance?

Ask Miss Singlefied: She keeps wanting to hang out even after she rejected me. Why? (Would you rather be someone’s layover or destination?)

Miss Singlefied Gets Candid About Relationships on “The Bucket List Life” Podcast w/ Kenyon Salo

 

 

 

 

 

Yue Xu, Miss Singlefied, sits down with Kenyon Salo to discuss how relationship turmoil can be the source of inspiration for something greater.  Click through images to listen to the full episode.

Ask Miss Singlefied: How to get over a heartbreak? (Yes, breakups suck)

Ask Miss Singlefied: Why no second date (even though the first one was great)?

Ask Miss Singlefied: How to tell if it’s a clear rejection?

Why You’re Still Single.

Dear Readers,

As we approach the end of 2012 (and apparently the end of the world), it is time to do my one cheesy post of the year.  Here’s the thing: this year has been very interesting for me because I have been challenged about the notion of love, The One, and marriage.  For anyone who knows me, I don’t believe marriage is for everyone.  I don’t believe in love at first sight.  And I certainly don’t believe in loving one person for eternity.  I’m not a romantic.  I’m an Aquarius.  Maybe sometimes I see things a little too…realistically.

However, even with this mindset, stripping romance down to its skeleton, I do believe in one thing: there is someone for everyone.  The universe is fair like that.  We, as humans, are meant to be among other humans.  We’re not meant to be single, forever.

Pairing off is arguably the end goal of dating, but many of you have wondered why it hasn’t happened for you.  Here’s why: you’re looking for the wrong things.  In fact, I believe 90% of singles are all in the same boat.

It’s not your fault because it’s how this dating culture is structured.  The problem is, how we date is based on what we know.  In other words, how we date is based on things that haven’t worked out for us in the past (otherwise, we wouldn’t still be dating, right?).  So if you think about it, how we date should be a constantly evolving activity that opens up to things we don’t know.  Hey, can’t knock it ’til you try it.

One of the questions that annoys me is “what’s your type?”  This question is based on what you’ve experienced in the past, so basically types that haven’t worked out.  Of course you’re going to answer this based on attributes you’ve been attracted to in the past, which has now apparently become “your type.”  Newsflash: that’s not “your type.”  Actually, you have no type, because your type will be that person who you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with.  And you haven’t met her yet.

“OK Miss Singlefied, how do we know what we’re looking for then?”

A client told me the other day that his type is “quirky and social.”  Then proceeded to tell me his “quirky and social” ex-girlfriend dumped him because he didn’t want to go out as much as she did.  You see the problem here?  But then I asked him, why were you attracted to this “quirky and social” girl?  He responded with, “she kept me on my toes.”  BINGO.  See, what he’s looking for in a girl is not necessarily “quirky and social” but rather “someone who…keeps him on his toes.”

So here’s the lightbulb moment.  What you should be looking for is not who she is, but rather how she makes you feel.  Let’s do a practice example translating your old list to the new and improved list:

I am looking for someone….

1) Sexy –> “someone who intensifies my sex drive”

2) Active –> “someone who inspires me to get off the couch”

3) Caring –> “someone who makes me feel cared for”

4) Smart –> “someone who stimulates my intellect”

5) Feminine –> “someone who makes me feel more masculine”

6) Hot –> “someone who makes me feel proud to be around”

(*NOTE: I understand there are many more physical attributes you all have on your list, but the 5’7″ brunette bombshell with a nice ass and light green eyes may make you feel absolutely nothing, other than some temporal penile reaction.  So I’m asking you to keep an open mind when it comes to specific physical traits.)

By shifting your list of attributes to a list of feelings, it gives you concrete things that make you happy while giving leeway to whom this person may be and what she may look like.  And also, this is a list unique to YOU, because only you know when you feel these feelings.  So, if a friend sets you up with someone that you’re not interested in, you don’t have to give a jackass explanation like “she was too short.”  All you have to say is, “I didn’t feel it.”

With that said, thank you all for making me feel inspired, challenged, and stimulated.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!

Sincerely,

Miss Singlefied

Curious about speed dating? Miss Singlefied recommends Hurry Date

Ask Miss Singlefied: How to overcome insecurities with women? (Chinese dating show + women are con artists + cute dogs)

Curious about speed dating? Miss Singlefied recommends Hurry Date

You’re Not Her PR Agent

Sample scenario:

Buddy: “Yo, what happened with the girl you met on Saturday?”

You: “I got her number.  Texted her on Tuesday.”

Buddy: “Nice.  And?”

You: “Nah.  I mean it’s only been three days.  I know she’s really busy with work.  She works at Google, and you know working there can be a bitch.”

Buddy: “What did you text her?”

You: “I wrote…’Hey, it’s Derek, we met on Sat. Wanna grab drinks Thursday after work?'”

Buddy: “As in yesterday?”

You: “Yeah, but it’s cool because I know she takes yoga pretty often, so I’m sure she was occupied with that yesterday.”

Buddy: “Right, ’cause it’s hard to type out a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when you’re in down doggie style.”

You: “I believe it’s ‘down dog.’  Thanks.  And shit, she might be out of town for work, I know she travels a lot for her job.  Whatever, I texted her again yesterday to see if she’s in town on Saturday.  Nothing back yet, but if anything she’s just playing games.”

Buddy: “Yeah, playing games as in ignoring you?”

You: “No, she’s just making me work for it.  I like that.  Feisty.  Or maybe she didn’t get the text.  She doesn’t have an iPhone, so you know how crappy the other phones are.”

Buddy: [NO RESPONSE]

You: “Dude, she’s a cool girl.  Not like the rest.  She has a busy life.  I think she’s also involved with some sort of volunteer organization.  And her friends from out of town may still be here.  I’ll probably give her a call this weekend.”

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What does a PR agent do?  They cover up their client’s mistakes, highlight the positive points, and distract the public from the truth.  For example, when Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah’s couch like a chimpanzee, PR statements were put out staying he was preparing for a new movie role.  When Kobe was accused of rape, PR statements described him as a “responsible” man who got involved in a conspiracy.  But guess what, you’re not doing PR for the girl you’re pursuing.  Deep down, you know when you’re being rejected, when she’s being a bitch, and when she’s not interested, but for some reason, some of you still feel the need to DEFEND her.  Especially in front of your friends.  Stop making excuses for her because it doesn’t do you any good either.  In the above scenario, you should just face the truth: she’s clearly not interested but gave you her number because she likes the attention.  But c’mon, no response after 2 texts?  That’s just disrespectful and rude.  You shouldn’t have to defend that fact.

So next time, you find yourself defending some chick you’re chasing after, ask yourself, “Do I actually believe this statement?”  And if you don’t, you better fucking be paid for your PR blitz.

Don’t Take It Personally!: The Art of Dealing with Rejection

Ask Miss Singlefied: How to approach a girl without coming off creepy? (And why is she giving you so much attitude?)

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