The Royal Wedding: “Claimed!”

Did you watch the royal wedding this morning?  I didn’t.  I was too busy consoling a friend on her recent divorce.  But I did watch some of the recaps online and started to possibly over analyze this whole thing.  Royal court aside, the entire world was watching Kate Middleton (Prince William, who?).  What did she wear?  How did she do her hair?  How in love did she look?  As millions of women watched the future Queen walk down the aisle, the consensus was:

She got picked for dodgeball.

Let me rewind for a minute.  A few weeks ago my friend had just gotten engaged to her boyfriend of 7 years.  At a girls brunch, we all hovered around her left hand and examined her bling from every angle possible.  Then I had a moment of…the nonsense stare.  You know what I mean?  When you stare at something for so long that it no longer makes sense anymore.  Let’s say if you looked at the word “word” for too long, it no longer had meaning to it.  Anyway, I had a nonsense stare moment with her ring because in my mind, I thought, “Why are we so excited about this intrusive piece of useless substance that rests randomly on her finger, waiting to snag on an expensive cashmere sweater?”

I had to voice my opinion and ended up discussing this for weeks.  In the end, it’s about a woman’s desire to belong to a man, to be claimed, to be picked.  Trust me, at first I thought maybe it’s for the bling, but even after posing the idea of an engagement stick, or engagement scrunchie, women would still be willing to wear it as a symbol of “Claimed.”

And what does this have to do with you and dating girls?  I think this clearly reveals one of the most unfulfilled needs of a single girl: the desire to be picked for dodgeball.   You know what feels good?  When you hold our hand.  When you put your arms around us.  When you introduce us to your friends.  When you request that we date you and only you.  Amidst the clusterfuck of nonsense dating games, all we really want to hear you say is: “I pick you for my team.”  So when you find that girl, confidently articulate this sentiment to her.

Disclaimer:  This is not an excuse for possessive and overly-jealous men who have control and trust issues.   We don’t want to be picked for that team.

Miss Singlefied Answers Your Dating Questions via Video

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Another Sexercise: Humpilates

Forget my previous post about kegels, kama, and stripperobics. I’m all for Humpilates!

Happy President’s Day

Actually, thank YOU President Clinton for we will never look at cigars the same way again.

To increase your presidential prowess, brush up on these older posts:

– Never let a girl intimidate you.

– How long you last in bed will not necessarily impress your intern.

– It’s legal to inhale some drugs.

– Have you ever seen a short president?

Jungle Dick: One Man’s True Story

My good friend Ryan is an endurance athlete, video jounralist, on-air host and overall manslut.  For an adventure/survival show on Discovery (premieres tomorrow 2/17 at 10pm EST!), Ryan was flown into a Venezuelan jungle with 9 others for one month, where they had to survive with no outside help.  Of course, I was more concerned with how his cock survived.

Check out our gchat transcript:

____________________________________

me: So you were in the jungle for how long again?

crazyduzer: I was in the jungle about a month

me: And how many humans/animals did you fuck?

crazyduzer: I went after a Howler Monkey but he got away…so that brings my grand total to ZERO!

me: Duze, 0?  Are you serious? You’re like the poster child for “I wanna spread my seeds”

crazyduzer: haha! In normal society that may be true…but the jungle completely killed my sex drive..COMPLETELY!

me: Wait, what?  You had no sex drive? wtf?

crazyduzer: My mind is usually 70% women, 30% food.  But in the jungle it was 100% food.  I was starving…but not for sweet lovin’

I never got one woody, no morning wood, no night wood, no WOOD!

me: but there were titties around you, right?

crazyduzer: I don’t like to admit it…but for the first time in my life boobies didn’t inspire me

I was too busy eating termites to care about women

me: Did you jizz at all in the month you were there?

crazyduzer: no jizzing at all…although I bet one of the ladies would have appreciated it…she was low on protein

me: :O

Say ahhhh

crazyduzer: open wide! would have been a good cream sauce to go with the bugs

me: Dude, back to the seriousness of not jizzing

Sexual fantasies?  Did you jerk off?

Did you wanna suck dick instead?

crazyduzer: You won’t believe it…but I never even thought about jerking off…it was the longest non-jerking stint in my life…if the Swedish Bikini team appeared naked and lubed up I don’t think I could have performed

me: what if they were sucking each other’s nipples while spreading their butt cheeks?

crazyduzer: My mind was 100% stuck on survival! no sexing…why would I waste energy on that?

If the girls brought a platter of burritos I may have been able to rally…while squeezing their nipples

me: Gotcha.  Swedish bikini team.  Lubed with steak sauce.  Burrito stuck up their vajayjays.

crazyduzer: now there is a fantasy!

me: Hahha.  What about the boys?  Cock could look like burrito.

crazyduzer: I was Asexual in the jungle…not homosuexual

I cuddled every night with a pretty girl…we were affectionate..but it wasn’t about sex

me: Thanks for capitalizing A in Asexual, now it’s officially a disorder

crazyduzer: haha!

me: i bet your balls were rotten

Were you able to Gold Bond that shit?

crazyduzer: no, my balls also smelled like roses…they always do

no gold bond…but I did find some good jungle mud to lather with

me: word.

crazyduzer: Survival mode is interesting, my most urgent need was finding food, not sex…it was a crazy realization

me: What was mostly going through your mind?

crazyduzer: I want burritos, I want burritos, I want burritos

I was starving, I lost 25 lbs!  All I thought about was food…sorry ladies

but now I’m back to normal…boner mania!!!

Schwing!!!

me: Dude, what did your poop look like?

crazyduzer: I really only pooped once while out there…and it looked like I aborted a baby alien

me: OMFG poor alien

crazyduzer: yeah, I felt bad for him…and my A-hole…it didn’t come out smoothly….it was like passing a rock…a smelly rock

me: did you bleed?

crazyduzer: yes mam…it was the worst experience of my life…crouching in the jungle with my pants down, screaming, pushing, all while my balls were getting chewed on my mosquitos

me: I feel for you man

Jungle Dick in full effect

crazyduzer: thank you, now you understand my preDICKament

me: I must share this story with other men

who may shed a tear for you

crazyduzer: Thank you, this story needs to be heard…I’m starting a support group

Jungle Dick survivors unite!

I’m finally getting my mojo back….I’m gonna blow the biggest load in the history of the world!

me: Just not on her face, ok?

crazyduzer: deal

me: Now go celebrate your functioning cock…with a haiku, perhaps?

crazyduzer:

I have a penis

In the jungle it got broke

So I ate termites

Remember, the show premieres 2/17 at 10pm EST!

Nice Guy w/ a Sprinkle of Douche

“Why do nice guys finish last?”  The age-old question.  And who usually asks it?  Whiny guys who have been screwed over by some biatch.  OK, let’s get a couple things straight.  There’s a difference between being “nice” and being a “chump.”  A guy who takes a girl on a weekend getaway within the first 2 weeks of dating = show-off chump.  A guy who ditches his friends to spend more time with his new girl = asshole chump.  A guy who lets his girl be retarded crazy = pathetic chump.

Playing the game to get the girl is about giving and taking.  The giving is the nice guy, the taking is the douche (if you will).  If you just give, you’re a chump.  And if you just take, you’re an asshole.  Striking the balance between giving and taking is a difficult skill but can be easily mastered if you develop enough self-awareness.  For example, the nice guy should always appear when you first meet a girl.  I mean, she has to like you first.  Then, just when she feels comfortable, you bring out the douche.  Nothing major but maybe stop calling for a couple days.  Or simply, stray away from your normal behavior.  This will make you seem mysterious and she’ll be eager to find out more.  That’s when you bring the nice guy back.  Nice dinner, maybe?

Also, you have to be strategic about setting up expectations.  I always give the example of a nice guy who only takes his date to fancy restaurants but one day suggests Applebees (btw, I love Applebees).  In the girl’s mind, he’s an ass for no longer making an effort.  When in reality, he just really likes the artichoke dip.  Then, you have the guy who only takes his date to fast food restaurants but one day also suggests Applebees.  In the girl’s mind, he’s sooooo nice for stepping it up and showing that he cares.  When in reality, he got a gift certificate for Christmas.  Obviously, these are extreme examples and I am in no way shape or form endorsing fast food restaurant dates, but you get the gist, right?

I think the guy who should be the poster child for this would be John Mayer.  The guy is not good looking but he bangs some of the hottest chicks in Hollywood (Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz, and now allegedly Giada).  He gives off the persona that he’s a nice guy with his fluffy, rainbows and butterfly lyrics.  But, the guy is also a douche.  As much as the girls hated him, they also loved him equally as much.

John Mayer may cum first, but he’ll never finish last.

Mila Dumped Macaulay After Gaining Eyesight

I open up my new issue of Cosmo with Mila Kunis on the cover and find that she was blind in one eye due to chronic iritis.  She recently had surgery to fix the blind eye.

So with that, I’d like to add an addendum to my post “When You Date out of Your League; The Mila and Macaulay Breakup.” You’ve basically hit the jackpot when you catch a girl at the beginning of her hotness AND when she’s half-blind.   Just make sure she never goes to the eye doctor and you’re all good, sailor.

When You Date Out of Your League; The Mila and Macaulay Breakup

I don’t know about you but I get tingles down under whenever I see pictures of Mila Kunis.  If there’s such a thing as a “female boner”, I would have one if I ever see her in person.  I find her to be the ultimate Librarian-Stripper with her innocent face juxtaposed with a hot womanly figure.  She also is the perfect combo of “cute” and “sexy” – the type you’d like to fuck and then take her home to mom.

So, it’s about time that Mila Kunis dumps albino Macaulay Culkin, a 7-year-relationship that the public barely knew anything about.  Then I thought to myself, “How the hell did Home Alone get such a hottie anyway?”  Ahhh, the classic case of a guy dating outside his league:

Boy meets girl.  Boy is dorky.  Girl is going through her awkward years but still pretty.  Boy and girl date.  Boy fucks girl.  Boy realizes girl is way hot.  Boy high-fives his cock.  Girl grows out of awkward stage.  Girl discovers makeup, salons and tight dresses.  Girl gets confirmation from construction workers that she’s hot.  Boy and girl hear comments like, “How did he get her?” while walking down the street together.  Girl realizes she IS hot.  Girl realizes she is hotter than boy.  Girl dumps boy.  Boy angry and thinks he could date someone hotter than her.  Yeah. Right.

At the end of the day, everybody knows who’s in their league and who is not.  Some of you will get lucky and catch a girl at the beginning of her hotness.  But, a hot girl will always eventually discover her hotness.  Why?  Our society hands out accolades to good looking people.  We treat them differently, we tell them they’re pretty, we fight over them.

The lesson learned here is: you’ll know when you date out of your league.  Cherish the time you have together because she will eventually dump your ass.

Happy New Year!

“This year my New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘Seacrest out!’ after I ejaculate.”  – Zach Galifianakis

Girls are Manipulative: Lessons Learned from Brett Favre (again)

This week, Brett Favre was fined $50,000 for his lack of cooperation with the investigation of his supposed inappropriate sexts to Jenn Sterger back in 2008.  Although Favre’s shadiness qualifies as being “guilty” for the accused actions, I don’t believe Sterger is little miss innocent either.  Why would it have taken her over 2 years to come out with these allegations?  Could it be that her show The Daily Line on Versus was recently canceled so she’s unemployed and broke?   Could it also be that Favre made some promises (leave wife or give Sterger shitload of cash) back in ’08 that he never delivered on?  Of course she flirted her FSU Cowgirl ass off which gave him impetus to sext her.  I don’t care how famous he is, guys are pussies and won’t come on to a girl that strong unless she gave him the green light!

Women are manipulative because we naturally use our mind more.  Men are more numbers-based, so you equate money to power.  That’s why guys with money will exercise their “power” by hooking up with younger, hotter women.  That power dynamic is immediately shifted as soon as you establish any type of emotional or sexual relationship with the girl.  A woman could withhold sex, reveal secrets or use emotional torture to gain the upper hand in a relationship with a man.  So you think you could manipulate a woman because you have money and a good job?  A woman will always find a way to manipulate you back.

Do I find my gender deceitful?  Not really.  We were meant to be the more physically appealing and emotionally open gender in order to attract you and keep you line.  If you have wrongful intentions with us, we will use the same qualities that attracted you to hurt you.  Favre was hypnotized by Sterger’s big tits and a resemblance to his beautiful wife (in her younger years).  He acted on this attraction without the right intentions and Sterger was able to up the game.  Sterger: +1  Favre: -50,000