Ask Miss Singlefied: How to overcome dating fatigue?

How to (NOT) celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Nothing says “I dig you” like pork fat

Lucky for all of us suckers, Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday this year, which means Friday night is going to be one big pink, cheesy orgy. This year, I keep getting asked the same question from you guys over and over again. So, in the interest of time (and my sanity), let me answer it in a post.

QUESTION:

“I just started dating a girl and we’re not serious yet.  I don’t think it’s appropriate to make a grand gesture for Valentine’s Day.  Is it OK if I just not celebrate it with her?”

ALTERNATIVE QUESTION:

“I’ve been seeing this girl I really like.  She anti-Valentine’s Day and already told me she doesn’t like all the cheesy gestures.  Should I just take her word for it and not celebrate it with her?”

ANSWER:

It doesn’t matter what scenario you’re in, if you are seeing someone and you happen to LIKE this person, YES you should do something for Valentine’s Day.  Here’s the reason why: It really doesn’t matter what she tells you about her feelings toward the “holiday,” if you like her, wouldn’t you want to do something nice for her?  Think of Valentine’s Day as just another opportunity to show her that you like her.  Even if she’s verbally against everything V-day stands for, no girl will ever turn down a nice gesture.  In other words, it can’t give you negative points.

MY ADVICE:

1) If you just started seeing someone new, make a smaller, but meaningful, gesture.  Do something or tailor something to her interests.  And to make it more casual, go for an activity-based date, such as a hike or a trip to the zoo.  TIP: It doesn’t always have to be dinner, chocolate and flowers.

2) If you are dating a girl who doesn’t like the cheesiness factor of Valentine’s Day, then do something non-traditional!  Maybe something stems from an inside joke, or go out and make fun of the cheesiness that’s happening.  TIP: JUST DO SOMETHING.  Every girl still wants to be recognized that day, whether she wants to admit to it or not.

And for those of you who are single for V-day, consider getting some heart candies for all of your female co-workers (the way we used do it in school).  The better “in” you have with the females around you, the better the chance they’ll set you up with their very eligible single friends.

HOW TO: Be Charming

I recently read an article “When Men Lost Their Charm” by Benjamin Schwarz in The Atlantic.  You can probably infer just from the title what the article talked about.  However, despite all the bitching from a male’s POV about the lack of charming men, I decided that it isn’t necessarily hopeless.  Yes, in some ways, charming men are hard to find.  And it is in part because creepy, slick men have raped the meaning of “charm,” creating a false definition of the word that makes women cringe.  Why?  Because nobody taught you HOW to be charming.  You really have no good role models other than George Clooney (who is also cited in the article).  But I would argue that Clooney isn’t quintessentially “charming.”  “Charming men” have a sense of attainability.  Clooney is not attainable, he is “up in the air,” and thus, not truly charming.

So, here’s a quick lesson on charming that I’ve gathered from a collection of personal experiences, articles, and discussions:

1) Be self-aware

Charming men know who they are inside and out.  They know their strengths and weaknesses, and have no problem facing their shortcomings.  A charming man can make fun of his receding hairline, subtle lisp, or poor hand-eye coordination.   He also knows when he can really flaunt his useless trivia, but also admit when he is ignorant about a topic.   In a social situation, it’s a give-and-take scenario of admitting what you know, and being curious to know what you don’t know.  As the article suggests, “[charm] can’t exist in the undeveloped personality.”

2) Exercise detachment and engagement

Again, it’s the give-and-take feeling that you always want to give off.  You always want to engage with the person or persons you’re speaking with.  It’s the respectful thing to do, and it’s that “attainability” factor.  Listen to what they have to say, and offer what you can to add value.  But once the conversation comes to a natural end, politely detach yourself and shift gears.  You’re not that attainable.  The thing a charming man never does is linger.  You never want to overstay your welcome.  It’s almost better to leave them hanging than to be “that guy.”  But once you detach, you must retain as much as you can of that conversation.  It’ll come in handy later.

3) Remember names and key points

I recently had a party where a friend of mine came and didn’t know anybody at the party.  Instead of secluding himself in a corner, he scoped out the room and figured out the social hierarchy.  Who was everybody talking to at the party?  My parents.  He found his jackpot.  Soon enough, he came and asked, “What are your parents’ names and what do they like to talk about?”  After giving him the 411, he successfully charmed my parents who didn’t hesitate to introduce him to the other people at the party.  And furthermore, he retained everyone’s name, face, and key interests to use in conversation.  “Vanessa, I remember you saying you’re into gardening.  Did you know Chuck studied soil science in college?”  See the beauty of that?  Not only did he manage to remember something about this cute girl he had talked to, but he was also able to link common interests and bring people together.  That is the work of a true charmer.

*The article talks about how most men can be socially-retarded because they fail to pay attention: “Even in the most casual conversation, men are too often self-absorbed or mono-focused or- more commonly – guarded, distracted, and disengaged to an almost Aspergerian degree.”  I would have to echo this by saying, when a guy seems too “distracted,” a girl is not going to fully engage in the conversation, and thus, not fully evaluate if the guy could be a romantic potential.  You don’t have to pay attention to every little word, but know the cliffs notes version of the person you’re talking to.

4) Make eye contact

In another Atlantic article, “The Art of Paying Attention,” James Fallows makes an interesting point.  You know how we think kids these days love cell phones?  It seems like babies are playing with iPhones before they begin to walk.  Well, research shows that babies are not fascinated by these gadgets; babies are fascinated by whatever their parents find fascinating.  As he puts it beautifully, “What we’re doing now is modeling a primary relationship with screens and a lack of eye contact with people.”

The most important part of being charming is to make eye contact and not be afraid of it.  Practice first with the barista at Starbucks, or the woman who greets you at Macy’s.  Get in the habit of determining someone’s eye color; be as specific as possible (light brown, dark green, etc).

In the end, being charming comes from an innate confidence to establish oneself in a room, and an innate curiosity to get to know everyone in the room.

Now, go charm the pants off of someone!

 

 

 

Ask Miss Singlefied: How to celebrate Valentine’s Day alone?

Ask Miss Singlefied: How to date someone who hasn’t gone through their wild phase?

Your New Year’s resolution should include speed dating! Miss Singlefied recommends Hurry Date

Why You’re Still Single.

Dear Readers,

As we approach the end of 2012 (and apparently the end of the world), it is time to do my one cheesy post of the year.  Here’s the thing: this year has been very interesting for me because I have been challenged about the notion of love, The One, and marriage.  For anyone who knows me, I don’t believe marriage is for everyone.  I don’t believe in love at first sight.  And I certainly don’t believe in loving one person for eternity.  I’m not a romantic.  I’m an Aquarius.  Maybe sometimes I see things a little too…realistically.

However, even with this mindset, stripping romance down to its skeleton, I do believe in one thing: there is someone for everyone.  The universe is fair like that.  We, as humans, are meant to be among other humans.  We’re not meant to be single, forever.

Pairing off is arguably the end goal of dating, but many of you have wondered why it hasn’t happened for you.  Here’s why: you’re looking for the wrong things.  In fact, I believe 90% of singles are all in the same boat.

It’s not your fault because it’s how this dating culture is structured.  The problem is, how we date is based on what we know.  In other words, how we date is based on things that haven’t worked out for us in the past (otherwise, we wouldn’t still be dating, right?).  So if you think about it, how we date should be a constantly evolving activity that opens up to things we don’t know.  Hey, can’t knock it ’til you try it.

One of the questions that annoys me is “what’s your type?”  This question is based on what you’ve experienced in the past, so basically types that haven’t worked out.  Of course you’re going to answer this based on attributes you’ve been attracted to in the past, which has now apparently become “your type.”  Newsflash: that’s not “your type.”  Actually, you have no type, because your type will be that person who you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with.  And you haven’t met her yet.

“OK Miss Singlefied, how do we know what we’re looking for then?”

A client told me the other day that his type is “quirky and social.”  Then proceeded to tell me his “quirky and social” ex-girlfriend dumped him because he didn’t want to go out as much as she did.  You see the problem here?  But then I asked him, why were you attracted to this “quirky and social” girl?  He responded with, “she kept me on my toes.”  BINGO.  See, what he’s looking for in a girl is not necessarily “quirky and social” but rather “someone who…keeps him on his toes.”

So here’s the lightbulb moment.  What you should be looking for is not who she is, but rather how she makes you feel.  Let’s do a practice example translating your old list to the new and improved list:

I am looking for someone….

1) Sexy –> “someone who intensifies my sex drive”

2) Active –> “someone who inspires me to get off the couch”

3) Caring –> “someone who makes me feel cared for”

4) Smart –> “someone who stimulates my intellect”

5) Feminine –> “someone who makes me feel more masculine”

6) Hot –> “someone who makes me feel proud to be around”

(*NOTE: I understand there are many more physical attributes you all have on your list, but the 5’7″ brunette bombshell with a nice ass and light green eyes may make you feel absolutely nothing, other than some temporal penile reaction.  So I’m asking you to keep an open mind when it comes to specific physical traits.)

By shifting your list of attributes to a list of feelings, it gives you concrete things that make you happy while giving leeway to whom this person may be and what she may look like.  And also, this is a list unique to YOU, because only you know when you feel these feelings.  So, if a friend sets you up with someone that you’re not interested in, you don’t have to give a jackass explanation like “she was too short.”  All you have to say is, “I didn’t feel it.”

With that said, thank you all for making me feel inspired, challenged, and stimulated.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!

Sincerely,

Miss Singlefied

Curious about speed dating? Miss Singlefied recommends Hurry Date

LIVE Interview with Miss Singlefied TONIGHT @11pm EST (Recorded Podcast Available)

If you know anything about Miss Singlefied is that she holds nothing back.  And lucky for you, the self-proclaimed “masculinist” will be interviewed live by Just Call Her founder Tommy Danger.  That means anything goes, from dating advice to why rejection is tied to a woman’s ovulation cycle.  TONIGHT! @11pm EST!  You can call-in to join the conversation or tune in as she tucks you into bed.

In case you missed it, you can listen to the entire 30-minute interview here.

Ask Miss Singlefied: Online dating profile no-nos!

Curious about speed dating? Miss Singlefied recommends Hurry Date

Does Miss Singlefied Know Her Shit? Tune in 9/12

 

Now is your time to find out.  On Wednesday 9/12, Miss Singlefied will be interviewed live on morning talk show Good Morning 90210.  Tune in 7-8am PST.  Watch live at FilmOnLA.com or if in the LA area, turn to KILM 64.  Follow Miss Singlefied on Twitter for live updates.

Miss Singlefied Featured in The Global Times

Some might be born experts in the art of seduction, while others need a bit of help. This is where dating coach Xu Yue comes in handy.

The Beijing native started offering dating advice in New York City two years ago, and since then has seen her career rise. She now coaches men face-to-face or online around the world, with a focus on Beijing and New York.

“I don’t think romance can be taught… [read more here]