Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Seasonal Dating

Posted: 12/19/2010 by Singlefied in Dating, Sex
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Have you ever noticed that you may have more friends with birthdays in late summer-early fall than any other season?  According to the U.S. Census, “more newborns arrive during the late summer and early fall months of July, August, and September than any other time of the year.”  It’s what I like to call “seasonal dating.”  Think about it, it makes perfect sense.  It’s cold right now in most parts of the country, people feel lonelier and hornier.  According to studies (and my personal surveys), people tend to have more sex when “Baby, it’s cold outside.”

Psychologically speaking, people also tend to jump into relationships a lot faster in cold seasons than in the flirty seasons of spring and summer.  When the holidays hit and we’re bombarded with cheesy nostalgic movies on TV, there’s an increased demand for commitment, stability and love.  However, before you end your singledom just yet, be aware that the weather plays a factor.  If your relationship can survive the upcoming “slutty” seasons, then you’re in good shape.

For the rest of you bachelors, take advantage of the hornier chicks right now!  Go spread your seed (safely, please).

After a night of drunken debauchery, you wake up the next morning and feel a warm body next to you.  Before you turn to look, you’re trying hard to recall last night’s events including the last girl you remember hanging out with.  Still groggy and anxious, you turn around.  There she is, the butterface you did NOT want to take home.  But she just happened to be the last woman standing so you took the road most traveled: Route Easy Sex.

I often get the question of what you should do when you’re trying to get rid of a girl the morning after.  I know it’s awkward and you don’t want to seem like a complete dick but you really just want to say, “Please get the fuck out, I’d like to take a shit in peace.”  To ease your future anxieties, this trick works pretty damn well.  It’s what I call the “Magic Alarm Clock.”

If you know you’re about to have a drunken night where you might black out or take a girl home, set your alarm for 9:00am before you head out.  If you have to label it, mark it as “Breakfast with Joe and Ann.”  Then, the alarm will go off the next morning and if you have a girl in bed, you have 2 options: 1)If you want out, you say, “Crap, I totally forgot I have a breakfast with my friends in town.  Sorry, I gotta get ready now.”  This will immediately signal for the girl to leave without you hurting her feelings.  2)If you like the girl, you simply turn off the alarm and say, “Stupid work alarm, I always forget to turn it off on weekends.”  You two will then go back to bed or have some fantastic morning sex!

Kikkerland AC22-DK Clap-On Cube Alarm Clock, Now only $16.28 on Amazon

Good Vibrations…Down Under

Posted: 12/12/2010 by Singlefied in Oral Sex, Sex
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Why do girls like vibrators?  Because they vibrate.  Vibrations feel good down there.  Next time you visit vajayjayland, try moaning or humming.  It’ll drive her insane.

And while we’re on the topic, can I just dispel the myth that EVERY girl likes it when you go down on her?  It’s simply not true.  I know plenty of girls who are really not into it and even if they go down on you, they’d rather you not reciprocate.  So, how would you ever know?  Talk about it.  Ask.  Know what she enjoys from the get-go so you can maybe save your tongue for other parts of her body.

No, we’re not thrilled when you suggest butt sex, but yes, we know you want to stick it in a tighter hole. If you’re trying to pop some girl’s ass cherry, maybe try to convince her to take some poppers. Poppers are various alkyl nitrites inhaled for recreational purposes, and by “recreational purposes,” I mean it relaxes the asshole. It’s a widely used method in the gay community and it’s about time this little secret is shared with hetero butt-fuckers.

But remember: if she does her part by granting you a visit to assholeville, you do your part by keeping your cock hard!

Lasting Longer Doesn’t Mean Better

Posted: 11/20/2010 by Singlefied in Sex
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Guys have this misconception that the longer you last, the more we’ll applaud you.  Errr, not really.   We get tired, we chafe, and we get bored.  That’s when we start making a list of things to do for our best friend’s surprise birthday party…6 months away.  So, what could’ve started out as a hot, steamy fuck will end with dry, chafed resent.  The goal of great sex should not be about one long, drawn-out feature film; rather, it should be a series of short films.  Usually when you feel the girl getting drier, it’s a sign to put on the next movie.

Intimidating vs. Inspirational

Posted: 11/06/2010 by Singlefied in Dating
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This is what I often hear from you guys: “She’s too intimidating.”  What does that mean?!  Did you just grow a vagina?  By labeling someone as intimidating, you 1) admit your inferiority and 2) are protecting yourself from rejection.   I am a firm believer that nobody is intimidating once you see their intimidating qualities as inspirational challenges.  For example, Jim (one of my clients) was afraid to ask out his work crush Kerry because she has a very full social life.  Instead of seeing this girl as a social butterfly who is too busy for him, I told Jim that he should be inspired to match her social potency.  So, Jim started to initiate more social events with his friends and not only did he have a more packed calendar, he was also able to invite Kerry on some of these social outings.  They had a drunken one night stand and Jim overcame his intimidation of Kerry and moved on to a hotter chick.

Cumma Cum On My Face

Posted: 11/01/2010 by Singlefied in Sex
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I love me some porn but it sets some unfair sexual expectations for those of you who are less experienced or totally clueless in bed.  Case in point: cum on face.  In the pornos, it seems as if the girls are “rewarded” with some jizz on their mug.  I mean, after we just risked lock-jaw giving a BJ and rode the motherfucker for hours, there’s nothing more we’d rather finish with than sticky, bleach-flavored goo on our face, right?  Gross.

Listen, we spend hundreds to thousands of dollars on products for our face that lift, firm, tone, clean and smooth.  Until there’s some scientific study that proves your cum has any of those said benefits, please keep it off of our face.

In the meantime, my friends and I like to sing a little jingle that goes “Cumma cum on my face, I’ll be waiting for you…” to the tune of the Three’s Company theme song.  You’re welcome.