Posts Tagged ‘sucking dick’

OK OK, it feels fucking good when you can cum inside a woman’s mouth, especially when she gently sucks you while you ejaculate.  [I just re-read that sentence 100 times]  Although we know you like it like that, not all of us do it like that.  When a girl chooses to swallow, what does it mean?

Let me first clear up something: there is nothing sexy about your semen.  It’s got the texture of Elmer’s glue mixed with the scent of chlorine and sweaty balls.  It’s a fucking chlorinated, sweaty ball stew.  I don’t care how diligently you’ve studied porn (oh, that was your major in college?), we are not thirsty for your sticky juice.  I was lucky enough to discuss this topic with my girlfriends this past weekend and we’ve all agreed, yo’ jizz don’t taste so good.  One of my friends did reveal that her ex who ate a lot of fruit (pineapples, strawberries) tasted sweet.  The same food items that make our twats taste good have the same benefits for you.  However, most of you live on steak, potatoes, french fries, burgers…making your ‘izz taste like ‘ish.  But I digress, because we all agreed that we’d much rather suck your dick than lick a pussy.  You guys have it rough too.  Anyway, girls still swallow sometimes, so what does it mean?

1) She doesn’t know any better. Ever since her first boyfriend asked her to, she just assumed that that was normal.  Lucky for subsequent guys, this chick thinks not swallowing is weird.  Don’t question it, let her live in a parallel universe drowned in semen.  If she one day stops swallowing, it’s a sure sign that things are going downhill.  Maybe you need to give more, if you want to keep receiving more.  How to spot her: She opened her mouth and said “ahhh” from the very beginning.  There was no warm up period.

2) She likes you, a lot. This girl has some real feelings for you, and this is her way of showing it.  It’s a very unselfish gesture, knowing that you would reap all the benefits while she intakes the dead babies and unwanted calories (approx 7 calories/teaspoon).  With this girl, all you need to do is ask for her to swallow.  She wants to please you, so tell her how you can be pleased.  How to spot her: When she spends more and more time with mouth-to-cock, next time leave a paper towel next to the bed.  The challenge for her is the swallowing part, not the cum-in-mouth part, so give her an “out” with a handy dandy towel.

Aside from all the nastiness of your semen, I’ll fair balance this by saying that there are benefits.  Cum is a proven anti-depressant (women were less suicidal when having unprotected sex), and it may reduce the risk of breast cancer.  Now you can prove your case for swallowing.  However, semen could increase her risk of throat cancer (HPV-linked).

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A Note on Oral Sex

Posted: 12/21/2010 by Singlefied in Oral Sex, Sex
Tags: , , , ,

I don’t know what I was smoking when I wrote Good Vibrations…Down Under.  EVERYBODY likes oral sex.  So I must clarify that some people do not like it because they’ve never experienced someone who knew what they were doing.  C’mon, you’ve had that girl who used too much teeth.  Similarly, we’ve all had that guy who was a little too much dog and not enough human.  For girls, when oral sex is bad, it’s baaaad.  And I will put the blame on us, because we don’t tell you when you’re bad.  We still thrust and moan, which gives you affirmation that you’re doing a good job.  Then you’re going to use the same retarded technique on the next girl.

From today, let’s make a pact.  You study up on your oral sex skills.  Porn is a good start.  “Sit on my face” never fails.  I, on the other hand, will encourage girls to help you perfect your technique by guiding you with our hips and hands, or verbal commands.  I will also advise girls to get dick sucking tips from the gays.  Deal?  Deal.