Jungle Dick: One Man’s True Story

Posted: 02/16/2011 by Singlefied in Celebs, Sex
Tags: , , ,
My good friend Ryan is an endurance athlete, video jounralist, on-air host and overall manslut.  For an adventure/survival show on Discovery (premieres tomorrow 2/17 at 10pm EST!), Ryan was flown into a Venezuelan jungle with 9 others for one month, where they had to survive with no outside help.  Of course, I was more concerned with how his cock survived.
Check out our gchat transcript:
me: So you were in the jungle for how long again?
crazyduzer: I was in the jungle about a month
me: And how many humans/animals did you fuck?
crazyduzer: I went after a Howler Monkey but he got away…so that brings my grand total to ZERO!
me: Duze, 0?  Are you serious? You’re like the poster child for “I wanna spread my seeds”
crazyduzer: haha! In normal society that may be true…but the jungle completely killed my sex drive..COMPLETELY!
me: Wait, what?  You had no sex drive? wtf?
crazyduzer: My mind is usually 70% women, 30% food.  But in the jungle it was 100% food.  I was starving…but not for sweet lovin’
I never got one woody, no morning wood, no night wood, no WOOD!
me: but there were titties around you, right?
crazyduzer: I don’t like to admit it…but for the first time in my life boobies didn’t inspire me
I was too busy eating termites to care about women
me: Did you jizz at all in the month you were there?
crazyduzer: no jizzing at all…although I bet one of the ladies would have appreciated it…she was low on protein
me: :O
Say ahhhh
crazyduzer: open wide! would have been a good cream sauce to go with the bugs
me: Dude, back to the seriousness of not jizzing
Sexual fantasies?  Did you jerk off?
Did you wanna suck dick instead?
crazyduzer: You won’t believe it…but I never even thought about jerking off…it was the longest non-jerking stint in my life…if the Swedish Bikini team appeared naked and lubed up I don’t think I could have performed
me: what if they were sucking each other’s nipples while spreading their butt cheeks?
crazyduzer: My mind was 100% stuck on survival! no sexing…why would I waste energy on that?
If the girls brought a platter of burritos I may have been able to rally…while squeezing their nipples
me: Gotcha.  Swedish bikini team.  Lubed with steak sauce.  Burrito stuck up their vajayjays.
crazyduzer: now there is a fantasy!
me: Hahha.  What about the boys?  Cock could look like burrito.
crazyduzer: I was Asexual in the jungle…not homosuexual
I cuddled every night with a pretty girl…we were affectionate..but it wasn’t about sex
me: Thanks for capitalizing A in Asexual, now it’s officially a disorder
crazyduzer: haha!
me: i bet your balls were rotten
Were you able to Gold Bond that shit?
crazyduzer: no, my balls also smelled like roses…they always do
no gold bond…but I did find some good jungle mud to lather with
me: word.
crazyduzer: Survival mode is interesting, my most urgent need was finding food, not sex…it was a crazy realization
me: What was mostly going through your mind?
crazyduzer: I want burritos, I want burritos, I want burritos
I was starving, I lost 25 lbs!  All I thought about was food…sorry ladies
but now I’m back to normal…boner mania!!!
me: Dude, what did your poop look like?
crazyduzer: I really only pooped once while out there…and it looked like I aborted a baby alien
me: OMFG poor alien
crazyduzer: yeah, I felt bad for him…and my A-hole…it didn’t come out smoothly….it was like passing a rock…a smelly rock
me: did you bleed?
crazyduzer: yes mam…it was the worst experience of my life…crouching in the jungle with my pants down, screaming, pushing, all while my balls were getting chewed on my mosquitos
me: I feel for you man
Jungle Dick in full effect
crazyduzer: thank you, now you understand my preDICKament
me: I must share this story with other men
who may shed a tear for you
crazyduzer: Thank you, this story needs to be heard…I’m starting a support group
Jungle Dick survivors unite!
I’m finally getting my mojo back….I’m gonna blow the biggest load in the history of the world!
me: Just not on her face, ok?
crazyduzer: deal
me: Now go celebrate your functioning cock…with a haiku, perhaps?
I have a penis
In the jungle it got broke
So I ate termites

Remember, the show premieres 2/17 at 10pm EST!

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by singlefiedyue, Ƥƛoʃʃnʁɲɓ. Ƥƛoʃʃnʁɲɓ said: @SinglefiedYue says: Jungle Dick: One Man’s True Story: My good friend Ryan Van Duzer is an endurance… http://dlvr.it/GmjzF #singlefied […]

  2. Datingisms says:

    […] heard of Whiskey Dick, but what is Jungle Dick?  One man’s true story will have you in tears. LikeBe the first to like this post.▶ […]

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