Posts Tagged ‘scared of love’

The first time I went skiing, I stared down the bunny slope and thought, “I got this.”  Then, I just went for it, without any idea of how to do turns or stop.  I just knew how to “pizza” and I was good with that.  For the rest of the afternoon, I went straight down greens and blues, scared shitless, but knew I had no other option but just to go for it.  BTW, this was a year ago.

After my afternoon of what seemed like near-death experiences, I found myself with a permanent dumbass grin.  I felt fearless, exhilarated, and invigorated.  The last time I truly felt like this was the first time I fell in love.

Rewind to my Sophomore year in high school, when I met Paul in Student Council, who would soon become my first love.  I remember staring down this love slope and knew I had to go for it.  I had no idea what a broken heart felt like, nor did I see an expiration on our love.  I just knew it was like a magnet, pulling me, directing me, and ultimately breaking me to pieces.  That love was fearless.  That love was 100%.  And I haven’t felt the same since then.

The last couple times I went skiing, I was unable to go straight down the slopes, because I learned how to do turns and how to control my skis.  But I remember standing on top of a steep blue last winter thinking, “No way in hell could I go down this thing.”  I became a coward and used wide turns to cushion my fall.

The last time I was on the brink of falling in love, I immediately held up my shield, because I knew what it felt like to be broken-hearted and I knew how I could protect my fragile heart.  But I remember being on the verge of letting go of my feelings thinking, “No way in hell can I say those three words again.”  I, again, became a coward and used my shield to slowly dissipate my emotions.

This past weekend, I went to a gaming convention where the majority of people in attendance were boys 14-18.  Sure teenage boys talk like teenage boys, but I was absolutely amused by the way they talked about girls.  Most people fall in love for the first time around this age and some of these guys were head over heels.  Asking me to interpret text messages, Facebook statuses, and voicemails.  It was refreshing to see brewing young love and how overall consuming it could be.

Then, I think about my friends and some of my clients, and even some of you.  I honestly believe that as we get older, we spend more time protecting our heart than sharing our heart.  I get it, the first time hurt like hell but it also hurt so good (I’m not talking about losing my V-card here).  How are we really suppose to fall “head over heels” for someone when we’re not even willing to fall in the first place?

Love. Is. Fearless.  Let’s all grow some balls and just fucking go for it.