Posts Tagged ‘online dating’

Chas, a 40-year-old entrepreneur from San Francisco, created a site to find his future wife.  And if you introduce him to the woman he ends up marrying, you get $10,000.  Chas claims he doesn’t have much time to date, he says “Thanks to a decade of ‘life coaching’ and some insightful relationships, I can honestly say I’m ready to start a family.  For realz.”

Chas’ bold experiment proves 2 things: 1) When a guy is ready, boy is he ready, and 2) Time is money.  Although it’s a little bit sketch, I gotta hand it to Chas for trying a non-traditional way of finding love.  The man is relatively attractive, obviously financially stable, thinks outside the box, and knows what he wants.  I know he’ll be screening through herds of crazies, psychos and maybe even a few men, but I commend the guy for just putting it all out there in the universe.

So if I refer myself, seduce him to marry me, do I get the $10k or does it just go towards my engagement ring?  Wait…was that totally not kosher?

Happy Mardi Gras and International Women’s Day!  In other words, HAPPY TITTIES DAY.  Let’s do a little experiment.  In the boobie collage below, choose your favorite pair of tits.  GO!

You done yet?  You want me to make it bigger?  Fine, as you wish.

OK, a little boobie overload?  Are you feeling dizzy?  Did you initially choose a pair and then quickly change your mind when you spotted another pair that was overlooked?  And after awhile, you’re confused because you’re not sure if the pair you like now is what you chose initially.  You want to choose multiple pairs but you also know that some of them won’t look as good without a bra, but hey, you’re willing to chance it.  But shit, you can only narrow it down to one pair for now.  I dunno, go take a break rookie and rest your over-worked eyes.

I often say that NYC is a man’s playground.  There’s…what…10 girls for every guy?  Any Joe Schmoe from bumblefuck, Nebraska can step into a NYC bar and smang the shit out of some random chick that night.  Lucky Joe Schmoe.  Or is he really lucky?

The problem is, when we’re presented with too many options, we end up with what I call The Curse of the Buffet [dun dun dun].  Check it.  I’m sure this has happened to many of you.  You step into a buffet and get overly excited by the CHOICES of food.  My strategy is always to take a lap first and then stop at what first catches my eye.  Then…it happens.  You start grabbing anything that looks good edible.   And by the end of your meal, you 1) have no idea what tasted the best and 2) feel like shit.

The same experience happens in online dating.  Too many choices make you want to date many of your potential suitors, but in the end, you’re not sure who’s the best for you.  Plus you’re stll alone.

Similar to that is speed dating.  A recent article claims that speed dating rarely results in successful dating stories because people are presented with too many choices.  Our brain can’t process that much information.

So, what’s our takeaway from this?  I’d like to tell you, “Hey just stick to your first choice.  That’s the person who caught your eye.”  But it’s not that simple because the minute you choose her, your mind will be wondering about the girl next in line.  My conclusion is that this is a good thing to know.  Next time you’re alone on a Friday night bitching about how there are no quality girls to date and your standards are too high.  Shut the fuck up.  Stop playing the victim.  Your own inability to narrow down even a pair of titties is the cause of your unhappiness.

When I met a guy on Match.com in 2004, we told everyone that we met at a grocery story in the produce section.  That relationship lasted for 5 years.  These days, 2 people could be on a first date and would have no qualms about admitting to finding each other online.  I am happy that online dating has become a part of normal society (it’s not just for old, ugly people), but I also think it could be a complete waste of time and money if you’re not using the service that suits you best.  This run-down should come in handy:

eHarmony: If you’re ready for marriage, are an engineer (or related field) and have a lot of time on your hands. By now, you should all be familiar with how eHarmony matches you on 8930928357945 dimensions of compatibility.  So you know that means answering 8930928357945 questions about who you are.  This is a perfect site for someone who is very rational and believes that if you chug in A and B, you’ll get C (a serious relationship).  It’s very formulaic and has no way of taking into account chemistry.  Fuck chemistry!

Match.com: If you aspire to be a manwhore and want to fill your weeks packed full of dates; however, you don’t want to be too obvious about it. Match skews younger and the inventory is bigger, especially now that they acquired OkCupid.  It’s easy to do drive-by emails and see who you hit.  It’s a fun numbers game and a great substitute for Steak and Porn Fridays.

Chemistry.com: If you’re embarrassed to use eHarmony. Everyone knows that if you want something serious, you go on eHarmony.  But some guys don’t want to be so obvious about it so they go on Match’s sister site, Chemistry.com, which is basically eHarmony.  But not.  You’ll answer a bazillion questions about yourself and get matched up with 4 gnarly girls in your area.  At which point, you say, “I’d rather fuck some sluts on Match.”  Genius, Match.com.  Genius.

OkCupid and Plentyoffish: If you want an STD. Listen, these sites are free so obviously it’s quantity over quality.  You’ll definitely get to bang lots of chicks, and sometimes you don’t even need to be drunk!  But it’s guaranteed you’ll encounter at least one crazy chick who professionally photoshops her profile picture, frames it and gives it to you on your first date, and then pulls out 2 strands of your hair to add to her “Man Hair” collection.  TRUE OkCupid STORY, BTW.

DateMySchool: If you’re an elitist douche and proud of it. This site was started by a Columbia MBA student who believed that people who invest in their education and careers deserve to be with others of the same caliber.  Right now the site is only open to students of Columbia, NYU and FIT (for the hot chicks seeking MRS degrees).   You can also limit your profile to be shown to certain types of people such as only NYU Law students.  I guess it makes sense.  I mean, if you’ve literally fucked everyone in your grad program, especially the married ones, why not test out the grad school relationship curse at other schools!  Yay!  And oh, an equally-as-douchey one to check out is: DateHarvardSq.com

JDate: If you want to fit in in NYC. I know, this is a dating site for Jews but it’s not exclusive.  If you want to find desperate Jewish girls at the haggard age of 24, this is the site for you!  You’ll be guaranteed 1) a date every night, 2) a significant increase in your Facebook friends, and 3) a loving jdate family where you’ll run into each other EVERYWHERE.  So much fun.  And better yet, IM’ing on the site is free for you cheapos.

Craigslist: If you want to get murdered. And I will stop there.

There’s a ton more sites but these are the ones that have generated the most amusing stories.  So go ahead, give them a try, and entertain me with your findings.

There may be a new dating site coming to the US soon called, MySingleFriend.com, which allows users to pimp out their friends.  I actually had the same idea for a business with the same name (some of you received an email from me), but I should’ve figured that it already existed somewhere.

The problem I have with most dating sites is the amount of false information presented and the inability to screen for mental stability.  With this friend-endorsement platform, a friend can describe you much better than you can yourself.  They can highlight your strengths but also be honest about your weird habits.  And if you’re really a psycho, a true friend would gladly point that out.

The only danger I foresee is having a bad friend endorse you; maybe an ex, a friend who has a crush on you, or a frenemy.  So I guess this site would also double as a friendship test.

Since the site is not yet available for US residents, I will keep going with my weekly Singlefieds, where I will personally introduce you to quality single chicks I pick out myself.  And if you have any girls that you would like for me to feature, send them my way!

Singlefieds is up!  Every now and then, I will find girls that I know, friends of friends, or worthy girls online who I’d like to present to my readers.  Our first victim is Keri.  According to her friend:

“She’s 26, petite (only 5’3″ so expect her to wear sexy heels on a date), and lives about 30 minutes outside NYC.

She’s an Ithaca alum and public relations whiz kid for several major resorts and cities (yeah, she travels like a rock star). She’s also been all over Mexico, Australia, the Caribbean, Canada, and oodles of other places that’ll make you think, “hmm, she’s got some culture and experience under her belt. Hot.

So what’s my cutie-pie friend looking for in a dude? Well, for starters a dude (no ladies, sorry lezzies). Preferably someone close to NYC or in the city (she’s so close and spends so much of her work time here anyway), Jewish (but not mandatory), charming and somewhere in the 28-35 age range. Please be charming, attractive, and a lover of international travel if you want to woo my girl.”

Although I don’t know this girl personally, she seems pretty badass, especially with her travel-heavy job with major connections.  She won’t be that cling-on crazy who has to see you every minute of every day.

If you’d like to get to know Keri better, click here.

My friends wouldn’t believe me when I told them about an adventure park in Mexico that simulates an illegal border crossing.  Well kids, it is a true story.  Parque EcoAlberto, near El Alberto, offers a 3 hour trek where people are put in a simulated border crossing obstacle course, complete with fences, ravines, ditches, rivers and even gunshots!  The trail ends with participants being taken away by U.S. border-patrol trucks.  All that for $20!  Sweet.

Then I thought, wouldn’t it be a good idea to create a similar park that simulates what it’s like to be a single woman dating?  The park would only be open to men.  When you walk through the trek, you will experience:

– A construction site where construction workers and homeless men will whistle at you shamelessly, sprinkled with a few lines of “Nice ass” and “Marry Me.”  Then when you ignore them, you’ll be showered with “Your ass is flat anyway” and “You don’t speak English?”

– Construction site will transform into a club where drunken men will be handing you endless drinks.  While you get drunk (and think this is awesome), they will hump on you vigorously on the dance floor until you feel their boner poking at your thigh.  That’s when you can bitch slap them.  Then one of them will bring up one of your biggest insecurities (“Bitch, nice muffin top” or “I hear butterfaces are in this season”).  You begin to cry.

– Before you know it, the club turns into an online dating site.  Multiple men are winking and poking at you; you get cocky.  So, you take your time weeding out the creepy ones and finally narrow it down to the seemingly nice ones.  Just as you’re about to wink back, your friend steps into the room.  “Squirrel!”  The men then all flock to the new “gal” with winks and pokes.

– The trek ends with you being greeted by 10 cats.  You feel safe and happy.  Then you start knitting individual kitten socks.

According to the online dating site, Badoo (I’ve never heard of it either), the most successful online pick-up line for men to pick up women is to compliment her lips.  I can see how this would work for online dating because it’s a lot less creepy than “you have nice tits” and more exciting than “you seem like you’re an interesting person.”  Also, have you ever met a woman who doesn’t put on lip gloss religiously?  We’re into taking care of our lips, and we like it when you notice.

In real life, however, this line shouldn’t be used in a pick-up situation.  The best way is to compliment her lips after you’ve just stuck your tongue down her throat.   “You have such great lips, I could kiss them forever” not only would add some romance, but also encourage her to maximize the use of lips (if you know what I mean).

My favorite pick-up line is still: “If I was an astronaut, I’d orbit around Uranus”

Found this hilarious site, OMG Cupid, that hosts a compilation of the freaks you’ll find on OKCupid.  I mean, what do you expect from a free dating site, right?  I have a lot to say about online dating, but I will save that for another post.  For now, enjoy some amazing pictures with your milk and cookies this Christmas morning.