Facebook sure wants people to hookup. First, there was the Break-Up Alert, an app where you add your taken friends that you’d like to fuck to your “Watch List.” When their relationship status changes, you receive a notification. Then you pounce. The problem with that app is that so many people don’t have a relationship status on their profile. I actually recommend that nobody has a relationship status until you’re engaged or married. Also, sometimes it takes weeks or even months for people to change their status after a breakup. Usually it’s because nobody wants be the first douche to announce the breakup to the Facebook universe (because everyone cares about your business, so very much). So, there is precious time wasted between the actual breakup and the official Facebook breakup. And that’s plenty of time for another dude to swoop in before you.
Now, there’s a new Facebook app called iWould. Basically, you add your friends you’d like to fuck to a secret “iWould List.” Then try to convince all your friends to install the app, too. And if you and your potential fuck buddy have each other on your secret to-do list, you’ll both be notified. Then you pounce. Naturally, I was curious about the app (for the sake of research, of course) and used it today. I made my shopping list within 10 minutes and it was surprisingly pretty easy. Here was my strategy:
1) Think of the first names that pop into my head and add them immediately to the list.
2) Quickly scroll through all my friends to see if there is anybody I missed. I didn’t.
3) Double check my list and eliminate anyone who a) is married, b) I know I could hookup with even without this app, or c) does not live within booty-call distance.
What happens next? I’m wishing for at least one gnarly exchange of emails along the lines of:
“Hey, I got this notification. Um, yeah.”
“Oh, me too. Should we grab a drink first?”
“Sure. So weird ’cause I just saw you yesterday…and now we’re going to have intercourse.”
“Woah, who said we’re gonna have sex? The app is called iWould. Like, yeah, I would do you but doesn’t necessarily mean I will.”
“Oh shit, what was the point of that then? I’m not getting sex from you, and now it’s all awkward.”
“Don’t worry, I just defriended you.”