Archive for the ‘Technology’ Category

Is Porn Making You Flaccid?

Posted: 02/04/2011 by DickLambert in How To, Oral Sex, Sex, Technology

By Anuraag-FulayToday I picked up the February 7th issue of New York Magazine and was alarmed by the article “He’s Just Not That Into Anyone” by Davy Rothbart. What alarmed me the most was that I am hearing more and more from women that more and more of the men they encounter seem to have some type of erectile dysfunction be it porn-related or otherwise. Here is my fast rule breakdown if you find yourself flaccid mid game;

She is blowing you then it’s likely her technique and you should gently suggest an adjustment that best suits you.

You are drilling away and suddenly pop out and your missile crashes into the side of her thigh. Ouch! If you don’t recover fast then it’s game over depending on your pain tolerance or maybe you like it when it hurts you sick pup.

You suddenly find yourself flaccid for the first time. Apologize. Then try one more time. If it doesn’t work on the second try then do not proceed to the third try this isn’t baseball regardless of what witty baseball metaphor we have employed in the past.

Sports Psychology that shit right away after you beat a hasty and apologetic retreat reassuring her it isn’t her. What caused it? Was it her? Something turn you off? What? Something on your mind? Has this happened before? If it’s happened before then go talk to a therapist. Take some Viagra. I understand you don’t want to talk about it because then it could actually become an issue but if you see a pattern do something about it.

I’m serious because here is what I hate. I hate when a woman is on my sheets and she has brought you to bed with us. No I don’t mean a threesome, you wish. Since you went flaccid in her head she thinks it’s her so it’s going to screw with her head and thus screw with my time in bed with her until I can take her over the top so she forgets about your noodle. I don’t want to work that hard and I’m the only one who should be doing the screwing on my sheets damn it!

I would also add that you do a real self assessment on how addicted to porn you are and how often you masturbate and if you have ever picked masturbation over having real sex with a real woman. Today the world is always trying to go for things that are more convenient and easier. I am well aware that masturbation is great and convenient as hell. I also wouldn’t be writing for Singlefied if the dating game was a walk in the park either. Assess yourself and regardless of the assessment unplug often from your addiction. Enjoy the real thing!

Porn is outrageous entertainment made to titillate and entertain like big blockbuster movies are suppose to be bigger then real life. When and if you ever bang a porn star you will find that their on screen antics at work do not equate to the love making in their relationships 100%, so why compare or hold your girlfriend to false expectation either? I admit to you reader that my most memorable ones weren’t always the wildest but the few quality women whom I would lay next to and admire her for her as the sun came up (and I had to get the fuck out before she woke up).

Stay hard!

Written by: Dick Lambert

I heard from someone that MIT scientists emitted sounds of vaginal contractions into space to attract aliens.  Just a little skeptical, I went home and researched it.  So it turns out, it’s (mostly) true.  In 1986, MIT research affiliate, Joe Davis, was concerned that outerspace creatures had not been exposed to human genitalia.  He decided to record vaginal contractions of ballet dancers and transmitted the sounds into neighboring star systems.

First of all, was Mr. Davis trying to attract aliens or scare them away?  I mean, emitting sounds of vaginas in their feeding mode is not the most appetizing bait.  And balleriginas (good word, I know)?  Really?!  Good thing Black Swan didn’t come out back then because those are some of the scariest cunts that would give aliens nightmares.  Lastly, it’s inevitable that there was some queefing sprinkled in the soundtrack, right?  I’m sure you’ve experienced the awkward vaginal fart noises during sex when fluids and air bubbles are involved.  Do these aliens really want to hear some foreign object devouring and farting?  I think I just lost a little bit of respect for Mr. Davis and MIT.

Speaking of queefing, I once met a girl who went by the name Queen LaQueefa.  Now, that’s true talent.  Turn up the volume on this video (but probably not at work).

The only face you should cum on would be on our Face(book).  We be keepin’ it classy on this site.

In a study conducted by OkCupid, iPhone users get laid more than Blackberry and Android users.  I believe it, here’s why:

ANDROID:  I hear nothing but complaints about Android phones (video freezes, easy to hang up on people, etc) so I presume Android users are usually frustrated and in a pissy mood.  No ass for those bitches.

BLACKBERRY:  Blackberry users are too addicted to their crackberry (it takes one to know one), so they can’t focus on getting laid when they’re obsessing over the flashing red light.   They get some ass because they give off the persona of a successful business person, but at the end of the day, when they can’t keep their eyes off of their BBM, how can they make googly eyes at any human?

IPHONE:  iPhone users like attention.  They like to show off their pretty iPhone along with their dazzling personality.  You can’t get attention sitting at home alone, so, iPhone users are generally more out and about in public.  They’re also good with their fingers (hello, touchscreen), which comes in handy in bed.  Additionally, iPhone users have the best access to the internet, so they can easily get on for pick-up tips ;).

I do think, though, that iPhone users may also have a tendency to exaggerate to make themselves seem more iPhone-cool-worthy.  I bet some of these iPhoners in the study inflated their numbers!

And in the case of iPhone users in NYC, because AT&T is so bad here, they’re having sex instead of talking on the phone.  Which, btw, should be the case for everybody.