Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

This weekend, make sure you have all the necessary “tools” to create your own fireworks:

Tools for improving your pick-up game:

The Creeper Sweeper

Pick-Up During Magic Hour

Using Compliments

Tools for training your dragon:

How to Stay Hard

How to Deal with Penile Performance Anxiety

Tools for in the bedroom:

Mandhandling!

How to Talk Dirty

Learn from Women-Friendly Porn

Tools for when you’re alone:

Develop Strong Self Awareness

and when all else fails…

Get a Pocket Pussy


The Dating Timeline (Who You Should be Dating at Your Age)

Heartbreak and the Emotional Cushion

When She Swallows, What Does it Mean?

Top 5 Things that Won’t Get You A(nother) Date

The Curse of the Buffet: What Happens with Too Many Choices

 

 

Written By: Dick Lambert

I am torn at times between the sentimental notions of romance put forth by today’s romcoms, my insatiable lust to fuck like a rabbit, and the stark realization that sometimes I find women too much trouble to deal with on a romantic or even lustful level. Guys, let’s all admit right here right now if there did not exist the slightest hope of fucking any woman in our deranged mind, would we actually bother speaking with them? I sometimes more than others think the answer is no.

That very reason is what has at times led me to taking part the oldest profession in the world and I am not talking about politics. Yes, there certainly is a stigma around prostitution but I don’t think it really has impacted the business, no matter the economy, men still need to get their drink on and whores.

A friend and I were going to a strip club together around Christmas. Oddly enough my friend was married at the time to a stripper. Go figure. We really have no limit to our debauchery. We stopped at a nearby ATM when two blonde Brazilian women pulled up next to us in a black open top Jeep. Using very poor broken English they asked us where the club was we were about to head to. Patricia (her real name because really who gives a fuck, she is a whore) and her friend whose name escapes me as I didn’t fuck that particular whore, both followed us.

After the club closed we followed the girls and their pimp to their brothel apartment in a convoy of sin. I got Patricia because she spoke a little broken English and the other whore only spoke Portuguese. Patricia was young, with that amazing natural tan Brazilian skin that you want to run miles on with your hands, tongue, and dick. She was petite with small tits but an amazing Brazilian ass hung on that tiny fuckable frame like a masterpiece by Gauguin.

Same quick words of wisdom on whore fucking;

1) Trust your instinct if you think she is a diseased skank, she is.

2) Don’t be afraid to slow her down and take control as it’s on your dime. She just wants to get it over with. Slow her down, it’s your hour and it’s an hour, not a race, to make you cum.

3) This is your chance to get some freak on. She likely won’t say no, at worse charge you a little more. Gain some real world fucking experience and practice on that whore.

I slowed Patricia down and put her in doggie happily slapping that delicious rotund ass around. I was fucking like Santa Claus jingling this Latina ass like the dirty little reindeer she was, too much Christmas reference? One of the best things to do with a whore is to figure her out like a the puzzle all woman are and get her to cum. You do have an hour. Patricia started moaning and I started moaning. I heard my friend in the room next to me and his girl. I also heard the pimp probably in the living room getting his lemon squeezed by some other girl. Soon enough it became a symphony of moaning, then it became a competition between the three of us, and then finally it just became comedic to us all.

I heard my friend laugh and turned to see him and his girl standing there naked making moaning sounds. He suggested she help me and Patricia out. She got on the bed and started licking my balls as I continued to pound Patricia. The pimp walked through the room, smiled at us, and grabbed a towel, completely naked, so surreal. I tried to get my hours worth but with the frantic ball licking, Patricia’s perfect ass slamming into me, the natural warmth her body gave off, and my desire to end this weird situation brought me to a satisfying climax. I got my money’s worth, all of it BS free, no drama, no craziness and maybe Patricia one day bought a house or at least got herself some English lessons.

Singlefied does not advocate prostitution and asks you to respect your state laws.

Written By: Dick Lambert

Roxy had an annoying roommate who was always home and I had at the time a roommate who smelled like cheese. The roommate dilemma left Roxy and me with romps around the office in the copy room, on the conference table, in the break room, and after happy hour we would rent a hotel room for sex. One night, though, our usual fuck session went a little different.

Roxy was riding the red tide, had her friend, the curse, Aunt Flo was visiting, yes, she had her period. This wouldn’t stop our weekly ritual of fornicating on the sheets of the local hotel. Roxy was a lusty and sultry Latin woman who had this delicious tanned olive skin and hips that had to be the most dangerous curves I had ever driven upon.

She had complained about not feeling very well. I knew something wasn’t right when I was taking her from behind on the bed and instead of the usual flesh slapping noises, I heard a more squish squish sounding noise. My cock also felt like a thermometer in the mouth of someone with a 110 fever. I looked down at what is usually one of my most favorite sights, Roxy’s ass cheeks backing up into me while minute ripples play across her skin. I instead saw a lot of blood on my cock and all around me.

I paused for a moment and pulled out. This made a pretty sickening sound that would have given a lesser man pause. The biggest, deepest red blood clot followed after my cock and plopped onto the mattress. Roxy urged me to continue as it was making her feel better.

I, of course, always the gentlemen continued with much earnest. The more I pumped Roxy the more blood that gushed everywhere, on me, on her, and on the sheets. My knees now were covered in blood as it just pooled on the over-soaked sheets. Finally she came. She was still bleeding and now I was a little worried. We used up all the extra sheets, blankets, and towels in the room. The room looked like a crime scene from CSI.

Roxy wanted nothing more then to get out of there so we split leaving behind this destroyed pile of linen and towels for the poor maid to clean up. I left a big tip for the maid and scribbled “Sorry!” on some paper. I fully expected at some time to either get a dry cleaners bill from the hotel or a call from a detective asking me to come down to the station for some questioning.

Yes, women watch porn.  Probably not as much as you, but we definitely do not deprive ourselves of such cinematic pleasures.  The porn that we prefer to watch; however, is a little bit different that what you guys like.  Our pornographic preferences are very telling of what we like in bed:

1) Amateur

It’s what I call “realistic fantasy.”  There’s something hot and voyeuristic about watching another real couple getting it on, not some hired porn star making contrived faces and stretching out her vagina for a close-up.  Amateur porn is also very relatable; thus, we can easily put ourselves in that situation and experience vicariously through the familiar characters on-screen.

Your takeaway:

It’s somewhat hard for women to have fantastic sex with a stranger.  First-time sex and one-night-stands are rarely enjoyable.  We want familiarity with the person, because we need an emotional connection to fully enjoy sex.  What you should know is 1) don’t beat yourself up if your first time with a girl is not pornographic mind-blowing and 2) if the two of you have hot sex, she is at a certain level of comfort with you and there are emotional ties.

2) Partial nudity

We like using our imagination because our mind likes to fill in the blanks.  It’s sexy to watch a girl riding a guy with her bra straps hanging and her skirt flapping.

Your takeaway:

You want to get us naked, we got that.  But if you want to get us really turned on, don’t rush the undressing stage of foreplay.  Linger around every button, zipper, snap, strap, and latch.  It’s easy with overtly sexy clothes (lacy tops, drawstring skirts, etc), but some clothes are meant to be made sexy.  So she’s wearing your XL T-shirt.  Instead of taking it off the conventional way, slither your hands from the neckline or the sleeves to caress her breasts.  Maybe she’s wearing tight-fitting jeans.  Instead of doing the awkward peel-off, unzip her jeans and peel just right past her ass, then finger her in that confined space.  This feeling of urgency and naughtiness (like you’re trying to do it discreetly so no one can see) will drive her utterly insane.

3) Established environment

Half of what turns us on about porn is the act of what they’re doing, and the other half is where they’re doing it.  We’re into establishing shots of a bedroom, park, office, kitchen, or whatever it may be.  It sucks when a porn starts with a facial close-up or POV shot of cock-in-pussy.  We need to know where they fuck they are so we can place ourselves in that fantasy.

Your takeaway:

Be creative with where sex takes place.  And just a hint, it doesn’t always need to end up on a bed.  On the floor next to the bed, pressed up against the wall, on a kitchen counter, on the stairway, in the closet, etc.  If you’ve been fucking a girl for a while, before you start introducing new positions, toys, fetishes, or your anus, try switching up the environment first.

4) Storyline

Why are women so turned on by the movie Unfaithful with Diane Lane?  Because the hot sex scenes were preceded by a hot storyline.  Bored, suburban married woman runs into smoldering hot and sexy French man whose chemistry is so undeniable that they have to fuck no matter how wrong it is.  The lead-up to sex is just as important as the sex itself.

Your takeaway:

If you’re really trying to get a girl in bed, you got to set the mood for it.  We’ll be a tigress when all 5 of our senses are aroused.  So, your story leading up to sex should include something visual (start with a stroll in the park), tasty and smells good (nice dinner or good wine), touchy (make sure to casually touch her arm or leg throughout the evening), and pleasant to the ear (put on some music back at your place).  A story like that should always end up in the horizontal mambo.

Written By: Dick Lambert

I was at a local club for an early morning DJ set from one of my favorite DJs.  There was immediately one woman who caught my attention. She had short brown hair in a cute bob style, a pacifier, little daisy duke shorts, and a spaghetti tank top with a unicorn on it. Filling the tank top were wonderfully small tits and perky nipples looking to escape. Susan was her name and she was certainly enjoying the moment as she was sitting on a big woofer speaker. Usually, when I go dancing it is for the music and to dance, not so much to pick anyone up. This time was different.

I approached Susan and offered her a bottle of cold water. The cold water offer is an awesome ice breaker because it’s not alcohol and doesn’t scream I want to get you sloppy drunk and do unspeakable things to your hot tight lithe body. The water bottle move says “hey it’s hot in here and I thought you might like something refreshing, aren’t I a swell guy.”

She readily accepted the water bottle and signed to me “thank you.” I don’t know sign language but I figured she said thanks. I made a cute little bow to her and said how much I love this club. She nodded and pointed at the DJ and said she was a huge fan of his. I agreed and also learned she could read lips, which was great because she was literally sitting on the woofer speaker and all the bass was being channeled through her body and into my ears.

We ended up dancing for the entire DJ set, getting ourselves worked up. She told me she loved anything techno because she could feel the music. I took her to her apartment and that’s when we got freaky.

Susan kept the music on loud and blindfolded me. She wanted me to experience a heightened sense of touch without my eyesight. She loved rubbing my dick all over her and I’d have to guess what part she was rubbing my dick on. If I guessed right, she rewarded me a lick on my dick’s head or a quick slip into her warm pussy. This carried on for as long as I could take it, until I took the blindfold off and picked her up and backed her against the wall. I tried to keep a good rhythm to the music. I’m not sure what got into me, maybe the naughtiness of her sensory deprivation game, but I started talking really dirty to her.

Usually when you are first with someone, you slowly test the waters and gradually escalate the dirty pillow talk, until you reach their acceptable raunch level. I was really into it, saying all sort of nearly vulgar things, like “can you hear me pounding your pussy?  I can hear how wet your pussy is, you whore.” Then suddenly, she slapped me hard in the face! This wasn’t a playful slap, this was a slap that brought me to a stop. She then said, “hey dummy I may be deaf but I can still read your lips, and hear most of what you are saying, so roll it back a little.”

I did as I was told and we finished together on the next song.


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Written By: Dick Lambert

Heather was a beautiful auburn hair, dark eyes, athletic type with all the prerequisite curves. My friend who served in the Navy with her introduced us when she was on leave.  He had a crush on her but was never able to seal the deal. She was also tough as nails as she was an arc welder. Heather was an outrageous flirt. Soon though we would all learn that Heather was all sailor and we were all just ships for her to jump from one to the other.

Heather and I fucked around in my dorm room often. I did notice even when my friend had introduced her to me that she was a flirt and she continued to be around any guy friends I introduced her to. Things were going pretty well until one day when I saw her on campus with one of my friends I had introduced her to. This lone ship passed the USS Heather and in tow the USS My Friend Who Could Just Shrug at Me. I was a little wounded. We weren’t exclusive and I couldn’t really blame my friend or Heather for that matter either.

A few days passed and any prideful wounds were quickly healed up when Heather came by to visit seemingly just to blow me. There was teeth involved and it was pretty rough, but enjoyable. I was feeling pretty good one day until I walked into our bathroom to take a piss. I immediately heard her moaning in our bathroom shower during a dorm party. Our bathroom served me and my roommate and our adjoining two roommates on the other side of the bathroom.

There was ice all over the floor, and our beer balls strewn about the bathroom floor as we usually packed our shower with ice and beer for the party. There was Heather in the shower with my other roommate. He had her bent over with her arms against the wall, suds and water everywhere. She saw me and smiled and said to me in her husky sexy voice “fuck me.” Threesome in the shower. I got another great wet blow job where my roommates thrusts were what was moving her mouth back and forth on my dick. We both came at the same time and yes, in a moment of sheer locker room joy, high-fived each other.

We learned later on that Heather had worked her way throughout our dorm room floor onto the the next one. We figured that out when we all met accidentally at the local clinic to get checked out just to be sure. She did return after another leave and once again it was Fleet Week on campus.  All ahoy the USS Heather!

GRENADE!

Written By: Dick Lambert

Grenade- The solitary ugly girl always found with a group of hotties.  If the grenade doesn’t get any action, then neither does anyone else.

I am a good wingman. I have the grenade scars in my memory to prove it. The most recent grenade I took was for my best friend who wasn’t having much luck with the ladies of late. We were in the Poconos two years ago during the winter and met up with two women. Stephanie was bleach blond, athletic all around, yummy little snow bunny in a sweet tight package. Martha was the grenade. My best friend of course wanted Stephanie which meant I had to take one for the team. And take one for the team I did.. I had built my friend up and even fed him some clever banter to help him ease onto Stephanie’s plentiful slopes.

Once they retired to her room I was left with Martha by the fireplace. Martha was your typical winter grenade. A real walrus dressed up in a big tent of a parka that once unzipped, an avalanche of fleshy bits literally rolled out in a cascade of pale blubbery untouched fat. All that pale flesh reflecting the roaring fire made for a horrific Nature Channel documentary. I went in like a frenzied polar bear just kissing and biting any flab I could sink my teeth into. I played my part and even roared a few times to let Martha know I was into it. I held back the wine churning in my stomach when I landed upon a forgotten roll of fat that had not seen soap in ages.

The worst of it was Martha had gotten around probably by playing the grenade all her life. I was fingering her, trying to get her off as quickly as I could. My techniques though weren’t working. The problem was her gut wasn’t allowing me the proper angle of penetration. She was becoming more frustrated. I was three fingers deep into her with room to spare.

This quickly escalated into a a vigorous fisting for my survival. I didn’t want to go down on her and be trapped for a lifetime between the chubbiest thighs I had ever seen. I was fast and furious with my fist pumping. Thankfully it was working and she was getting very wet and very sweaty. Just as I was relieved she pushed me down and mounted me anyway. The combination of the fireplace, the sex, her weight, and all encompassing flesh was really overheating me. I grinned through it and rifled through my porn bank as fast as I could. The combination of wine, walrus, and heat was too much even for me, and I ended up passing out at some point. I try not to think about what happened to me when I was out. Let’s just say that Martha stalked me for a good solid six months, and my friend dated Stephanie for three months after that. That bastard still owes me a beer.

After you hook up with a girl, don’t you wish you could secretly hear how she talks about you to her friends?  Lucky you because I’m about to give you an excerpt from a real conversation:

Julia: So…how was your date last night with Blake?

Diane: Oh it was nice, we met up at this bar downtown and we just caught up on his trip to Aspen.  Then we had sex.

Julia: Yeaaaah? Was it good?

Diane: It was fun, I mean, he’s biiiig.

Julia: Oh shit, like how big?

Diane: Like, I can jack him off with two hands and there’s still plenty of room left for a third hand, or my mouth.  But I didn’t blow him because he’s huge and my jaw was tired from all the talking we did earlier, and I chowed down a big salad.  Hahaha.

Julia: So, he was good?

Diane: I mean, the man has a beautiful penis…when erect.  But he couldn’t stay up the whole time, especially when he was in me.  And so it just became this big floppy sausage swimming in and out of me to the point where it was just chafing my clit instead of stimulating it.  I had to stop it and tell him I was tired.  Went home and watched Youporn instead.

Julia: OMG, what a waste of a big penis.  Sounds familiar though.  I had tree stump penis last weekend.  Remember Scott, my sister’s friend?  Not that he went soft, but he just didn’t know what the fuck to do with it.  All he knew was the porn thrust – you know when you go in-and-out really fast like a fucking dog in heat?  It hurt!  I just wanted him to slow down and take his time penetrating me, but he was fucking like it was a video game.  Like the faster he humped, the more points he’d get or something.  And it’s not like I don’t like rough sex, but I need variety in speed AND positions!

Diane: Ewww, and that’s when you just flip over and sit on his face.  At least his tongue can’t be as violent.

Julia: Um…that’s exactly what I did.  That was a waste of a tree stump.  I miss Magic Dick Danny.

Diane: MAGIC DICK DANNY!  The little engine that could.  He was how small again?

Julia: Well, one-hand-jerk-off without any wiggle room.   So I guess it was more like the one-hand-twist.  But that man knew how to put me in all the right positions to hit my G-spot.  He just knew how to use it and was able to get deep penetration.  I never had to sit on his face.

Diane: He had a magic stick.  I still haven’t found mine.  Did I tell you about the Olympic dick I hooked up with a month ago?

Julia: Olympic dick?

Diane: This guy’s dick was so fucking big and hard that it could probably lift weights.  It was like an Olympic athlete, I was scared out of my mind.  We were hooking up and all of a sudden I feel this hard, fist-like creature poking into my inner thigh.  This thing was so huge that I think it could have gone right through me.  I couldn’t do it girl, I just couldn’t bring myself to ride that beast.  I think it would’ve been the closest pain to child birth.  My arm was tired from jacking it off and I don’t think my mouth could physically open that wide, so I didn’t bother with that either.

Julia: Good call, your teeth would’ve definitely scraped him.

Diane: And I would’ve choked and died.  So I told him I just wanted to cuddle, and he asked if I was a virgin.

Julia: You know what you need?  A grow-er, not a show-er.  So they start off small and sweet, and then they get all big and aggressive while inside you.

Diane: BAM!  Let’s go find me a grow-er.

Julia: Done and done.

_________________________________________________________

I don’t know if it was Ricki Lake who coined the phrase, “It’s not the size of the ocean, it’s the motion of the ocean” on her talk show in the late 90’s, but that’s the moral of the story here.  You could have the best tool in the toolbox, but if you don’t know how to use it, it’s a waste.  There are many ways of stimulating a girl in bed, and the size of your cock takes a backseat to staying hard, manhandling, foreplay, oral sex and dirty talk.

Written by: Dick Lambert

April showers bring May flowers but this time her name was Brook. Brook was a petite woman about five feet four inches on a tall day. You know and enjoy the type that just begs to be thrown around the room as you both break furniture during your lusty couplings. The first time I was with Brook I was in for a surprise. I was held fast between her two curvaceous thighs putting in my time eating her out.

Now, when I’m with a woman for the first time I like to pull out one and only one Dick Bag of Tricks. Brook was into me going down on her as she rarely let me up for air. My face was was being smothered against her wet mound. I had to regain some control so I started focusing more on her exposed clit while fingering her. My head was hovering over her while my tongue lapped away like a greedy kitty at a saucer of milk. Meanwhile, my finger was deep inside her entering more towards the top and angled back down. I am amazed that woman say most guys can not keep a rhythm while doing two things at once. Practice! I really got into a smooth rhythm and her gasping was a good indication that I was doing what she wanted. Early warning sign that I should have picked up on was how wet she was getting before I pulled out from my bag of “dickly” tricks. The sheets were getting pretty soaked. Finally, I could tell she was about to climax as she held my head above her clit telling me not to stop in a sexy panting voice that just egged me on further. My finger, still inside her moving back and forth but struggling to stay inside as it’s like a slip and slide. She cums and I feel the pressure build up in an instance as her muscles tense everywhere and release. Keep in mind she is holding my head down as a stream of warm liquid wetness goes up my arched finger right into my mouth and face!  I am soaked and the bed sheets are soaked through.  She holds me fast until she is done and then collapses deeper into the mattress. I am awestruck for a moment as I gasp for breath and futilely wipe my drenched face. She smiles and we both say that was fantastic. Well, it turns out Brook is a squirter able to get so wet and build up such pressure she actually squirts a stream of orgasmic joy. I don’t think it surprises you to know that Brook ended up being my first wife!