Archive for the ‘First Date’ Category

 

5. “The Reality TV Effect”: Why sometimes an amazing date doesn’t necessarily mean she likes you

4. The Friend Zone: How to get out before it’s too late

3. How to handle rejection

2. How can you tell when she’s playing hard too get; sending mixed messages

1. The Nice Guy: It’s not about being too nice

 

 
How To Get The Girl | IGNORE and SCORE: Dating Mindsets Explained – How To Attract And Date Beautiful Women

Let’s just pretend I never went on a blogging hiatus.  Cool?  Cool.

Continuing our “Art of Conversation” series, last time I wrote about Deep Listening: The most scarce resource in a conversation is attention.  And once you’re in a conversation, what do you do?

The biggest mistake many make when in a conversation with a new person is that they worry too much about how they’re being perceived.  “Am I coming off interesting?”  “Do I sound smart?” “What should I talk about next?”  Now I challenge you to shift  your perspective, and focus entirely on the other person:

1)  What does this person want?

Let’s say on a first date, a girl brings up her dog Guido.

What she wants: She wants to brag about her dog and why she named him Guido.  So hey, you should ask her about her dog Guido.  Ask as many questions as possible.

2) What does this person need?

On the same first date, she tells you about her biggest pet peeve: loud eaters.

What she needs: Good manners.  So, you should ask her about how she realized this pet peeve.  How she feels when she’s in a noodle shop.  And how are Guido’s table manners?

3) What are her values?

She tells you how after playing Dance Central for 5 hours, she was impressed that her neighbor downstairs came by with cookies and a nice note kindly requesting her to “tread lightly.”

What’s important to her: Respect.  Mature communication.  Sensitivity.  And cookies.  It gives you an opportunity to ask her what she would do if the situation were reversed.  Also, what kind of cookies?

By putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, you not only get a better sense of that person, but it also takes the pressure off of trying too hard to impress.

This week’s challenge: Talk to a bartender and try to assess her needs.  Bartenders are 1) open to talking to strangers and 2) not used to talking too much about themselves.  It should be a fun challenge.  And even more fun if she has distracting teets.

 

P.S. In the class, we were given the scenario of when a cop pulls you over.  While most people shit their pants and try to come up with an excuse, it turns out that according to a survey of police officers, they want you to 1) have your hands on the wheel (Safety), 2) address them by “sir” (Respect), 3) admit your wrongdoing (Acknowledgement of Authority), and 4) say you’ll ever do it again (Job Accomplished).  Apparently, if you follow these 4 steps, you’ll most likely be let off on a warning.  And to think, all those years of faking “female problems,” or my favorite: “no speak English.”

I highly recommend this book by Dale Carnegie: How To Win Friends and Influence People

Last week, we looked at the overall goal of conversations: view every conversation as an adventure.  Now, to some technical stuff, starting with DEEP LISTENING.

Before you tell me you think you’re a great listener, think again.  Most people think they’re listening when all they’re doing is going through the motions of listening (eye contact, nodding, pointed body language).  For example: think of a close friend.  Got it?  OK, now what does this person do for a living?  Can you describe his/her day-to-day?  Believe it or not, most people can’t answer this question.  It’s the “Chandler Effect” on Friends.  Remember?  The running joke was nobody knew what he did, but they remember bits and pieces.  The case is, when we think we’re listening, we’re only picking up on bits of pieces of the conversation.  That doesn’t make for a great conversationalist because you’re not absorbing comprehensive information that can feed into a better next topic.  So, here are some techniques for improving your deep listening skills.  Let’s say you’re getting to know a new girl:

  • Take notes in your mind.  Before pen and paper, people used to memorize entire conversations or lectures.  We’re historically good listeners up until now with the ease of technology.  Go old school, and make a conscious effort to take mental notes.
  • Paraphrase whenever appropriate.  Repeating back what you’ve heard is a great way to show her you’re listening but also a great way to change the topic if you’re totally bored.  Let’s say she’s been talking about her damn chihuahua fo’ eva now, you can try saying, “You obviously love your dog since you cook him organic chicken twice a week, but what is your favorite food?”
  • Don’t cross your body.  Open body language not only makes it comfortable for the other person to divulge more info, but it’ll help you listen better.  When we cross our bodies (arms, legs, etc), we tend to be distracted by what we’re able to feel.  Meaning, let’s say you cross your arms, then your hands will play with your shoulders or side boob (and if you have side boobs, we should talk).  When your body language is open, you’re less distracted.
  • Notice synchronization.  The tell-tale sign of someone who is truly listening is when movements become synchronized.  A study of a group of people at a dinner party revealed that when they were engaged in a great conversation, their eating behavior was in synch.  So throughout your conversation, do a quick checkpoint and notice if you’re starting to pick up your drink when she does, and vice versa.
  • Lean in.  An observational study in a college classroom found that the professor lectured with confidence and witty humor while the class was leaned in; however, he became stiff and nervous when the students leaned back.  Unless if you just ate dog shit, it’s better to lean in and get “into” the conversation.
  • Listen for inflections.  When her tone changes, it shows that she has a strong connection to whatever she’s talking about, even if it has to do with Kim Kardashian’s divorce.  When you hear changes in her inflections, take note.  Those are her hot buttons.

For this weekend, practice the following:

OPEN STANCE – Notice where people put their hands when conversing, and make a point to keep your hands at your side.

LEAN – Lean in to everybody you talk to.

I highly recommend this book by Dale Carnegie: How To Win Friends and Influence People

Men’s Sexual Health: Fitness for Satisfying Sex

This is what I always hear from guys, “Yue, it’s very easy to find attractive women, but why is it so hard to have a decent conversation with any of them?”  Sure, we can blame it on lack of brains and social prowess, getting by on looks alone, or overall disinterest in being interesting.  But after taking this course about the art of conversation, I have to say that it’s because most people are terrible conversationalists!  Including yours truly.  And here’s how you know you are a great conversationalist: you never have a boring conversation.

Recently I discovered Life Labs, an organization that offers classes for adults beyond the classroom basics.  As they put it, “We are an incubator for ideas on living wisely and well, offering courses, labs, and events for the common good.”  Some of the courses include The Seeing Lab (detecting micro-expressions), The Coolness Lab (what makes someone cool?), and the course I took, The Yapper Lab (the art of conversation).  Too bad they’re only offered in New York, but you could always request them in your town.

So is it possible to never have a boring conversation?  Apparently so.  And that’s why I’m going to share what I learned in class with you guys in The Art of Conversation series.

For this first post, let’s start with the “big picture.”  Here are some tidbits to keep in mind every time you start a convo:

– View every conversation as an adventure

  • A lot of guys view talking as a chore.  That’s the wrong mindset, buddy.  Conversing is a process of discovery.  If you talk to every girl you meet as potentially the most fascinating conversation to be had, you’ll be excited to yapper.

– Your goal is to talk about something you’ve never talked about before

  • Dating nowadays is like going on job interviews.  The same topics are discussed over and over again.  I remember going on a date once where this guy was literally like, “OK, so what’s your story? Where are you from?  What do you do?  Where did you go to school? Blah blah blah.”  It made me wish I didn’t waste my time shaving my legs that day.  Yes, these topics are the basics and should be discussed, but doesn’t all have to vomit out at once.  A conversation is a free flow of information driven by topics.  If “where are you from” leads to a conversation about racist blind people, then that’s what you should discuss.  The fun part is to spontaneously end on something you’ve never talked about before – such as, well, racist blind people.

– Everyone is able to talk about something interesting – you just have to discover what “sparks” them

  • In the class, the instructor showed us an observational study of a group of kids who didn’t know each other, socializing in a room.  All the kids had pretty standard conversations with each other – favorite toy, favorite color, favorite teacher, etc.  However, there was one 6-year-old girl, we’ll call her Suzie, who everyone enjoyed talking to.  In fact, they all voted her as the person they liked talking to the most.  What was Suzie’s secret?  Suzie asked interesting “spark questions” that made the other kids more engaged, such as “When did you first know you were no longer a baby?”  Suzie’s enticing questions stemmed from her natural curiosity and creative thinking.

– You don’t have to be interesting; you just have to be interested

  • In today’s world of cell phones, iPads, iPods, the internet, humans are constantly competing for each others’ attention.  People just want to be heard.  In multiple research studies presented in the class, it showed that people enjoyed having conversations with those who seemed genuinely interested, even if they contributed little or no words.  I find that on dates, we’re constantly trying to impress each other with how interesting we could be.  The problem is, nothing gets heard.  Don’t stress yourself out so much with trying to find the next interesting topic that will blow her mind.  Sit back, relax, and just listen.

– A great conversationalist takes practice

  • You’re not gonna be awesome overnight (stop crying).   So, this week, I urge everyone to take the following challenge:

PRACTICE “STICKY EYES” – Make a point to notice the eye color of everyone you speak to.  This is a precursor to showing you’re interested in what they’re talking about.  But be careful, “sticky eyes” does not equate to “creeper eyes.”  Staring? Baaad.  Strong eye contact? Goood.  Also, her eyes are up here.

I highly recommend this book by Dale Carnegie: How To Win Friends and Influence People

Compliments can go a long way but some guys just don’t know when and how to use them.  Here are some simple guidelines:

1) When picking up a girl, don’t use looks-based compliments.  In a pick-up situation, a girl may be fed line after line.  In this environment, a girl has come to expect guys to tell her that she’s good looking.  The best approach in this scenario is not to compliment her looks (like every other guy), rather compliment her personality or anything else that catches your eye.  Maybe she has a tattoo, cool shoes, or an antique watch.  You want to let her know that besides her good looks – I mean, that’s why you’re talking to her in the first place – you’ve noticed something that the other clueless dudes haven’t.  Don’t overdo the compliments though, then it just looks like you’re desperate.

2) When on a date, start off with looks-based compliments.  I find that many guys make the mistake of not complimenting a girl’s looks when on a date with her.  I often hear, “Well, she already knows she’s hot, that’s why I asked her out.” Being on a date is a very different situation than a pick-up scenario!  Boys, we know how you like to be recognized when you do something nice for us, like killing a spider, changing a light bulb, or hooking up our new Wii U.  We want the same recognition when we do something nice for you, such as dressing up and looking nice for our date.  Start the date complimenting how great she looks, it’ll set a great tone for the rest of the night.

3) Compliment others in front of her.  Showing appreciation for others is a quality women highly value.  I can’t count how many times a girl was turned off by a guy for being rude to the waiter or mean to the bartender.  If you’re trying to impress her, make a point to compliment good service, good food, good drinks, or simply a good time.  If the bartender makes extra strong drinks, tell her “this is just the way I like it,” then leave her a nice tip.  If the waiter has been extra attentive, a simple “you’ve been great” will not only leave him feeling good, but your date as well.  Not to mention, you might get some free perks as a result.

Remember, compliments can go a long way when used properly.  And I gotta say, that shirt looks great on you.

5. Emoticons. 


You may think you’re being cute, when we think it’s your passive aggressive way of saying “like me” or “just kidding.”  Man up to what message you’re trying to get across and don’t hang your insecurities on a stupid cartoon face.

4. Unplanned dates.

When you ask a girl out, you should already have a plan in mind.  Although plans may change and things could come up spontaneously, we still want to know that you put in some effort.  Some of you think presenting an open-ended date is your polite way of letting us have a say in what to do.  Guess what?  You ask us out.  You plan.  Then, we’ll make alternative suggestions if needed.

3. Empty invites.


It really irks us to hear a guy say the words, “we should do that sometime” and then never follow through with it.  The more you give us empty invites in passing, the more we’ll write you off as the boy who cried wolf.

2. Empty promises.

Similar to empty invites, don’t give us empty promises like “I’ll call you tomorrow after work” or “I want to take you to dinner Thursday” and never come through with a plan.  I’m sure you’ve all had a friend who does this to you, too.  When a guy tells us he’s going to do something, we expect him to do it.  No girl wants to date a flaky douche.

1. Fishing.


If you want to ask us out, ASK. US. OUT.  I’m astonished by how many guys I see writing texts or emails like, “Do you like to watch movies?” “Maybe we should hang out sometime,” “What do you like to do on weekends?” and “There’s this new restaurant I’ve been meaning to check out.”  Stop fishing for a girl to invite herself on a date with you.  Instead of beating around to bush to see if we’d be interested, why not just come right out and ask us out on a definitive date?  Remember: pussies never get pussy.


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There seems to be a trend of brunch dates these days.  If you’re unfamiliar with brunch, it’s basically a fancy way of saying “extended lunch on a weekend, usually involving day drinking.”   When asking a girl out on a brunch date, take the following into consideration:

1) The Good

  • It’s cheap.
  • It’s laid-back.
  • Since it’s during the day, you’ll see what she really looks like.  A girl who wears too much makeup to hide her busted face cannot get away with it in the daytime.
  • She should be well-rested and in a good mood, as opposed to coming from work, school or the gym.
  • If brunch goes well, you have the option of extending it without seeming like you just want to get in her pants (even if you do).
  • If brunch doesn’t go well, you have the rest of the day to find your next victim.
  • The bitch won’t come out.  Natural sunlight helps to relieve PMS symptoms by balancing her hormones.  Sweet!

2) The Bad

  • If brunch doesn’t go well, you will have both wasted each other’s precious weekend time.
  • You could both be hungover from the night before.  Not cute.
  • It’s very tricky to end brunch dates.  It’s not as easy as “I have an early start tomorrow.”  So by mid brunch, you either have to figure out a hard stop with plans for later, or decide you want to invite her to the next activity.  Don’t try to read what she wants to do, you drive the situation by deciding whether you want to end the date after the meal or not.
  • You may not get any.  Girls won’t feel as frisky in the daytime as they would at night.  Your chances of taking her home after brunch is a lot slimmer than after nighttime festivities.

The verdict?  Brunch dates are great casual get togethers that create a relaxed, less pressure atmosphere.  I would not recommend it for first dates because it’s too involved.  Also, I would recommend going into brunch dates with ideas of 1) what to do afterwards if brunch goes really well and 2) how to end the date if you’re not interested in spending anymore time with her (e.g., “I have a basketball game at 4pm”).

Lately, I’ve been playing around with how our senses affect our dating experience.   There are certainly things that we can’t control, such as our bone structure, natural body odor, and sound of our voice, but then there are somethings we can control.  This week, I want to explore color psychology.

What if you could give off a specific persona, create a mood, or stimulate action by just wearing a certain color?  Sure, a color won’t win over the girl of your dreams or fend off the busted-face-girl at the bar, but look at this way, it can’t hurt.

After doing some research on the Color Theory, I’ve come up with the following cheat sheet:

When you want to be noticed (in a crowded space):

Wear ORANGE – It evokes excitement and enthusiasm.  It’s attention-getting and it’s a color of action, that’s why many websites have the “Buy Now” button in orange.  Orange has also been a color used in therapy to increase energy levels.  Wearing this color will definitely draw attention to you, but you better have the energy and enthusiasm to live up to all the orange hype!

When on a first date:

Wear BLUE – It has a soothing, calming effect.  It evokes a sense of safety, serenity, peacefulness, tranquility, and security.  Blue has been used to soothe illnesses and treat pain.  It’s a great first date color because it’ll calm her nerves and give you the persona of a secure, soothing guy.  First date jitters begone!  And just as an added bonus, blue is the least appetizing color and has often been used in weight loss products.  So, it’ll deter your date from ordering too much food!  Schwing.

OR

Wear GREEN: It has similar effects as wearing BLUE, except it also adds the perception of being healthy and confident.  Additionally, it has been shown that people who work in offices painted green experience less stomachaches.  Eat all the Mexican you want! Ole!

When dating an anorexic girl:

Wear RED: Contrary to popular belief, red is not a sexual color when worn by guys.  It’s intense and threatening, and it makes the heart beat faster (in a stressful way).  But apparently, red makes people feel hungry and that is why many restaurants are painted red.  It is also used to stimulate the body and mind and used in therapy to increase circulation.  Your waif girl will appreciate the increased appetite.

When asking your ex to take you back:

Wear WHITE: It makes you seem pure, innocent and honest.  It’ll bring her guards down and maybe help her forget how shitty you were to her.  Just as a side note, white is a good color to wear on job interviews because it makes you seem dependable and reliable.

When you want to date a supermodel:

Wear BLACK: It’ll make you look powerful and wealthy.  High quality.  High class.  Even if you have $10.83 to your name.

or

Wear PURPLE: It gives off the perception of wealth, wisdom, and spirituality.

When meeting up with an ex you hate:

Wear YELLOW: It’s the most fatiguing color to the eye and brings about frustration and anger.  It severely stimulates the nerves.  And therefore, she will leave you alone from now on.

Sources: 1 and 2