Author Archive

Written By: Dick Lambert

We have spent some time together now and I think I owe it to you, my readers, to tell you a little bit about me. You can learn a lot from someone’s success but you can learn a lot about someone by their failure also. Yes, it’s true even Dick fails from time to time and here is one of those times.

I lived with two women in a fantastic rented house. My one roommate Erin was a bartender and my other roommate Susan was a college student. The setup was awesome because Erin could hook me up at a bar and Susan exposed all her friends to the power of Dick. One day, I rode my motorcycle to Erin’s bar and as I pulled in, some douchebag in a Porsche pulled out without looking, almost clipping my motorcycle. I entered the bar a little frazzled and saw Erin serving two women. One of them was absolutely stunning – Leyla. I won’t even waste your time and mine with details about her other unremarkable friend.

Leyla was an arresting Eastern European, taller then me without my motorcycle boots on; flawless complexion, a healthy sculptured ass, a gravity defying perky rack, stunning almost supernatural eyes, and that wonderful aloof frosty way about her that I so adore in Eastern European women.  A weakness of mine is Eastern European women, as they are either dumb as a bag of hammers or Physics 172 smart. Leyla was Physics 172 smart.

I sat down next to Leyla’s friend and said hello to Erin. Erin placed my drink in front of me without me ordering anything. Leyla’s unremarkable friend said the only thing I would listen to, “Leyla, you should break up with that asshole.”  I quickly chimed in, “Especially if he drives a gray Porsche, that idiot almost hit me.” Leyla’s boyfriend was indeed that guy. The evening goes on and I supply them both with a steady amount of drinks from Erin. I learn that Leyla’s boyfriend is better looking than me and owns a few dry cleaners, but is a complete tool.  A few times when Leyla speaks, I feign that I can’t hear her so she draws in closer. I quickly figure out that Leyla is very smart so we start talking physics. Now, with any subject you will run into someone who either is enamored by the classical school of thought or dazzled by the possibilities of new school thinking. Leyla mentions a new book on String Theory and I tell her that it is the physics book I have on my very nightstand. You should always have some trendy or classic books on your nightstand. I also tell her she should come validate my claim. The discussion continues into all sorts of theoretical astro physics and luckily I do read the books on my nightstand. I feign again that I can’t hear her and her friend gives up her spot so Leyla and I can continue our postulating on what happens to matter when it hits a black holes singularity.

I then get to the crucial round of drinks called the “send off drink.” Leyla didn’t drive here but her unremarkable friend did. The unremarkable friend has a hard stop on drinking after a certain number. The goal is to get her there after physically and conversationally isolating her. The magic number is usually four.  Bye bye unremarkable friend. Leyla sends her off and we continue our conversation, now peppered with plenty of witty innuendo and bar foreplay in the manner of meaningful but innocent touching.

Leyla reveals to me her magnificent tattoo of her dead pet iguana on her back. Leyla loved this iguana and they got on very well and thus she was crushed when he died. I touch the nape of her neck and run my hand down to the iguana immortalized on her otherwise unmarred marble skin. She shudders a little. I invite Leyla back to my place but now the cat is out of the bag that I live with two females, Erin and Susan. Leyla declines and we have a kiss before she gets into a taxi. The kiss is bitter sweet because even though she gave me her number, the chance is gone as her boyfriend will be the one to call her tomorrow.

Even amongst my own triumphs I still think about Leyla and her iguana tattoo. Look, I am just a regular looking guy who creates his own luck, has more balls than most, goes after what he wants, and sometimes still goes home alone.

GRENADE!

Written By: Dick Lambert

Grenade- The solitary ugly girl always found with a group of hotties.  If the grenade doesn’t get any action, then neither does anyone else.

I am a good wingman. I have the grenade scars in my memory to prove it. The most recent grenade I took was for my best friend who wasn’t having much luck with the ladies of late. We were in the Poconos two years ago during the winter and met up with two women. Stephanie was bleach blond, athletic all around, yummy little snow bunny in a sweet tight package. Martha was the grenade. My best friend of course wanted Stephanie which meant I had to take one for the team. And take one for the team I did.. I had built my friend up and even fed him some clever banter to help him ease onto Stephanie’s plentiful slopes.

Once they retired to her room I was left with Martha by the fireplace. Martha was your typical winter grenade. A real walrus dressed up in a big tent of a parka that once unzipped, an avalanche of fleshy bits literally rolled out in a cascade of pale blubbery untouched fat. All that pale flesh reflecting the roaring fire made for a horrific Nature Channel documentary. I went in like a frenzied polar bear just kissing and biting any flab I could sink my teeth into. I played my part and even roared a few times to let Martha know I was into it. I held back the wine churning in my stomach when I landed upon a forgotten roll of fat that had not seen soap in ages.

The worst of it was Martha had gotten around probably by playing the grenade all her life. I was fingering her, trying to get her off as quickly as I could. My techniques though weren’t working. The problem was her gut wasn’t allowing me the proper angle of penetration. She was becoming more frustrated. I was three fingers deep into her with room to spare.

This quickly escalated into a a vigorous fisting for my survival. I didn’t want to go down on her and be trapped for a lifetime between the chubbiest thighs I had ever seen. I was fast and furious with my fist pumping. Thankfully it was working and she was getting very wet and very sweaty. Just as I was relieved she pushed me down and mounted me anyway. The combination of the fireplace, the sex, her weight, and all encompassing flesh was really overheating me. I grinned through it and rifled through my porn bank as fast as I could. The combination of wine, walrus, and heat was too much even for me, and I ended up passing out at some point. I try not to think about what happened to me when I was out. Let’s just say that Martha stalked me for a good solid six months, and my friend dated Stephanie for three months after that. That bastard still owes me a beer.

Written by: Dick Lambert

April showers bring May flowers but this time her name was Brook. Brook was a petite woman about five feet four inches on a tall day. You know and enjoy the type that just begs to be thrown around the room as you both break furniture during your lusty couplings. The first time I was with Brook I was in for a surprise. I was held fast between her two curvaceous thighs putting in my time eating her out.

Now, when I’m with a woman for the first time I like to pull out one and only one Dick Bag of Tricks. Brook was into me going down on her as she rarely let me up for air. My face was was being smothered against her wet mound. I had to regain some control so I started focusing more on her exposed clit while fingering her. My head was hovering over her while my tongue lapped away like a greedy kitty at a saucer of milk. Meanwhile, my finger was deep inside her entering more towards the top and angled back down. I am amazed that woman say most guys can not keep a rhythm while doing two things at once. Practice! I really got into a smooth rhythm and her gasping was a good indication that I was doing what she wanted. Early warning sign that I should have picked up on was how wet she was getting before I pulled out from my bag of “dickly” tricks. The sheets were getting pretty soaked. Finally, I could tell she was about to climax as she held my head above her clit telling me not to stop in a sexy panting voice that just egged me on further. My finger, still inside her moving back and forth but struggling to stay inside as it’s like a slip and slide. She cums and I feel the pressure build up in an instance as her muscles tense everywhere and release. Keep in mind she is holding my head down as a stream of warm liquid wetness goes up my arched finger right into my mouth and face!  I am soaked and the bed sheets are soaked through.  She holds me fast until she is done and then collapses deeper into the mattress. I am awestruck for a moment as I gasp for breath and futilely wipe my drenched face. She smiles and we both say that was fantastic. Well, it turns out Brook is a squirter able to get so wet and build up such pressure she actually squirts a stream of orgasmic joy. I don’t think it surprises you to know that Brook ended up being my first wife!

Written By: Dick Lambert

Diane was a surprising woman. I met her in the back seat of a mutual friends car while we were on the way to a street fair. The topic of conversation lead to sex as it always should when you are the only guy in a car of three females. Pauline and Tammy were teasing Diane to tell me about her special power. I was mighty intrigued and pleaded with Diane to tell me. Diane didn’t need much coaxing as she said to me, “Let me show you instead” as she deftly took off her top and bra in the car. She had small but firm breasts that were defying gravity as she was pretty young. They were like two perfect scoops of vanilla ice cream with the most obnoxious pencil eraser topped nipples I had ever seen. I was looking rather close because it looked like maybe her lusty nipples were pierced at one time. Tammy yelled out do it. Diane squeezed her breasts as I was coming in for closer inspection, then suddenly a white liquid squirted me in the face.  It was breast milk!

I did what countless men before me had done at a much younger age and went to latch right on to the closest nipple. Diane was briefly taken aback by it and playfully told me to stop and proceeded to squirt me in the face again with her double barrel calcium level uppers.  Pauline yelled to stop as Diane was getting it all over the back seat of the car. Diane asked why I didn’t turn away. I explained to her it was natural and delicious. Especially when the tits presented to me were so firm looking and delicious as well.

We flirted throughout the street fair and eventually ended up back in Pauline’s car to fool around in the back seat. I lavished Diane’s magical nipples with a never ending cascade of licks, bits, and sucking. She was happy for the relief as I lapped up her warm boob cocktail. I certainly was hard at work making a milk mustache. Finally, she returned the favor and showed me she had other talents as her mouth milked my cock dry in what was one of the more quicker and intense orgasms I had ever had. She swallowed all of it greedily. She then instructed me to get hard again by tit fucking her with, surprise surprise, her milk acting as a warm lubricant. This was a novel sensation and in no time I was hard again and fucked her in the uncomfortable backseat of Pauline’s car.

We met up with Tammy and Pauline near the food vendors. Pauline took one look at us and said ” You are both assholes. Take my car, get it washed inside and out and return it to me tomorrow. I hate you both.” We did as we were instructed and had another romp before I was in bed after enjoying some warm milk and Diane’s cookie. I slept like a baby that night!

The strange thing was, Diane was not breast feeding and had never had a child.  An unsolved mystery I’m still trying to figure out.

Written by: Dick Lambert

Another Halloween and I’m find myself dressed up as the Purple Pie Man while Amy is dressed as Rainbow Brite (fail, they were out of Strawberry Shortcake costumes). My friend Pauly made his own Pop Tart costume, which in the end works out for all of us as you will soon read.

Amy’s campus had an oddball movement not to celebrate Halloween and we found ourselves in costumes without a costume party. We party hopped around and took to drinking in between parties.  The night was cold and Amy was certainly chilly in her costume while Pauly and I were indifferent.  Amy suggested in a slightly slurred words to fuck it, lets just go back to her dorm room to hang since we weren’t having much luck.

The three of us get back to her dorm room and her roommate Lana is out. We are all nicely buzzed and starting to tease Rainbow Brite, err I mean Amy. Amy is in costume still laying on the bed. She playfully kicks at me and I jump on her bed grabbing her leg. She playfully struggles as I try and hold both her legs down. I tell Pop Tart Pauly to help me. Pauly removes his costume so quickly he tears it asunder and jumps onto her bed in just his underwear. Pauly has one leg and I have the other and we both run our hands up and down Amy’s leg. She is clearly enjoying the attention as she lets out that telltale little moan. We spend a while just running our hands up and down her slender legs from her calf all the way up her inner thighs as far as we dare. After awhile of this tentative foreplay we feel actual heat the farther we run our hands firmly up her inner thighs. Our hands meet up with her panties and we both feel how soaked they are and that is all the signal we need as we pull her panties down till they are hanging off one ankle.

I start fingering Amy to her delight while Pauly (a way better wingman than Tom) goes to kiss Amy and take her shirt off. Pauly is kissing Amy and feeling up her gorgeous tits. I am sandwiched between Amy’s thighs, eating out her wet and very hot pussy. Pauly stands up over Amy who takes his cock out and starts blowing him. I start fingering and eating Amy out making it a game to see if I can throw her off her rhythm by making her cum. I succeed and am awarded with my face being soaked in her warm juices. I get my cock out and quickly put on a condom. I enter Amy easily as she is so wet and ready. Pauly moves to the head of her bed and starts fucking her mouth.  Amy can only look at Pauly’s balls smacking her in the face. Like good tag team partners, we switch positions. Amy goes ass up, face down. I rip the condom off and run to the head of the bed where I stick my cock into her eager mouth. Pauly is riding Amy from behind. We nearly all cum at the same time as Amy swallows my load. We all hear at the same time keys at her door. Lana walks in to this sight:  the Purple Pie Man with his going-flaccid cock pop out of Rainbow Brite’s mouth who still has her rainbow stockings on with a naked man buried in her from behind, a discarded trampled homemade pop tart costume on the floor.  Lana quickly closes the door as Pauly yells out “wanna join us?” We all have a good laugh (except for Lana).

Written by: Dick Lambert

My first threesome was on Halloween (others to follow all seems to revolve around Halloween). Lori & Janet were very best frenemies. Lori was blond, seemingly innocent eyes, and short with very dangerous curves. Janet, a brunette was always competing with Lori with an amazing ass and sultry eyes. I was dating Lori at the time and my friend Tom was dating Janet, but Tom isn’t very important to this story as you will soon read.

Somehow plans between all of us got really messed up. The girls thought we were going to stay in to watch movies while we thought we were going to a mutual friend’s Halloween party. Tom and I dressed up, arriving to pick up the girls who weren’t dressed up and had no desire to go out. Tom leaves pissed off for the party. I shrug, and proceed inside with my Spartan costume. Janet winks at me and says “good choice.”

The movie is on and we are sitting on the couch. Lori asks me if I am cold since I have little on, so she grabs a big blanket, and we all get under it. Janet offers us drinks and half way through the movie we all have a healthy buzz going. Lori and I are teasing each other under the blanket. I’m trying to get down her tight jeans to finger her while she is stroking my dick.

Janet suddenly grabs the blanket from us saying that her and Lori should dress up like Greeks since I’m still in costume. I’m pretty sure Janet sees my hard on. Sure enough, they come back moments later wearing nothing but bedsheets loosely wrapped around their bodies with a bottle of wine and chocolates.

Drinking the wine and feeding each other chocolates, they both joke about Roman orgies and Ménage à trois. I’m feeding Janet chocolates as she starts sucking on my fingers. I look over at Lori with an expression of fake horror. Lori looks at me only to smile as she reaches over to save some for her. I feed her some chocolates also as she sucks down on my fingers in a way I am very familiar with. I’m kissing Lori and then I’m kissing Janet; one eye opens looking at Lori who is watching approvingly. Just when I close my eyes ready to go, they both stand up. I figure game over.

Janet and Lori drop their bedsheets standing naked in front of me as the light from the TV flickers an outline around them. Lori says since I’ve been good and it’s Halloween, I should get a treat for staying with them. They both take off my costume. Kneeling, they both start sucking me off. Everything is better in twos from tits to ice cream scoops but nothing compares to two girls giving you amazing head. Feeling two tongues on my shaft and balls almost made me explode right there. Their tongues are fighting over who puts me in their mouth next. One is sucking away on the head of my dick while the other is sucking on my balls. Lori tells me I better not cum.

Janet suddenly jumps on me, impaling herself on my cock. Lori gets on the couch in order to sit on my face. I am pretty sure they are making out. Lori is grinding so hard on my face I think she might break my nose. I can’t protest because Lori is a squirter, getting so wet where I am almost drowning in her juices between her thighs. Janet cums with a shudder but regains her composure quickly and they switch places. Janet tastes different and smells muskier then Lori, but I love it and lap her up.

They both get off me only to go back down on me. Janet is working my stick and Lori is licking my balls. The climax is building in me, I can’t hold it as I explode into Janet’s mouth. The sensation of near asphyxiation from them sitting on my face and their two dueling tongues on my dick and balls is nearly too much for me, as I am spent. Lori gets up first and says “lets go shower together…”

Sporty Ass

Written by: Dick Lambert

It is no secret that I am an ass man.  Beyond the persuasion and logistics of anal sex, I thought I’d share some raunchy encounters I have had that were telling of the relationship I was in.

Let’s rewind to my first anal sex experience.  One of nature’s most beautiful sights is a woman face down, ass up presented to you in all her glory. Sally was no exception, she had one of those cute little firm apples of an ass. I really admired that ass and did so by spending a lot of time running my hands over her ass from lightly to more firmly. I just about gave her ass a deep tissue massage before penetrating her. I awoken every single nerve ending in her ass to the point where it felt warm, and she described it as feeling bigger. Since this was her first time and mine, I was gentle. She would bite down on the pillow making little grunting noises. She was undecided if she liked it or not, as she gritted her teeth. Sally is now a manager at a major telecom company.  We broke up because she wanted both a family and career.

Then there was Vicky, who liked to get drunk and wild. She was in the usual position: face down, ass up with her big tits spilling out the sides as they were pressed down into the sheets.  Her big alteration to doggy-style was her hands were wrapped around her sweet ass spreading herself  so I could penetrate her deeper. My first time with Vicky was when she and I were so drunk it sort of slipped in, and I wasn’t entirely sure where my dick was until she said I felt good in her ass. Vicky today is in rehab, as I think anal sex was a way to penetrate the numbness so she could actually feel something.

Next was Nikki, my on-and-off girlfriend for three years. We loved to fuck together. Our entire relationship revolved around dancing, ecstasy, and fucking each others brains out to the chagrin of my two female roommates at the time. Nikki and I fucked like we were German synchronized machines, two Porsches racing on the Autobahn. I would get Nikki so wet that we didn’t need lube. She would be ass up, face down and her hands would be holding onto the back of my calves or thighs. In this position she could meet my every thrust. The sounds of her ass slapping against me would get so loud my roommates would make themselves scarce whenever she was coming over. I cheated on her with her best friend and cousin. My bad, Nikki.

Last, but not least was Heather, who liked to be spanked first, and then the green light to haul off on her firm ass, paddle and all. I was spanking her as she read the letter from the movie Secretary doing my best Mr. Grey impersonation. The spanking was so intense and hard that the paddle broke right on her ass. She told me to quickly fuck her ass. She was incapable of speech until she told me to cum over her ass. She told me that she loved the warmth from being spanked, and the warmth from the cum on her ass. Heather is now the lead singer of a female band.

Ahhh, what sweet and juicy memories of them all.

Written by: Dick Lambert

Yesterday may have been St. Patrick’s Day, but it’s actually St. Drunken’s Weekend.  The weather is getting warmer and the mood is festive.  This is the weekend to take advantage of the different levels of female drunkness and act accordingly.

Buzzed (1-3 drinks)

A woman who is buzzed is having a good time and generally has all her facilities about her. She is in the moment and having a good time. Your most successful approach will be to add to her moment of joyous bliss. Buy her and her friends shots but make it seem random and fun.  You may not get a one night stand from this, but at least some heavy petting.

Drunk (4-5 drinks)

Now the game has changed when she is drunk. Her expectations are lowered. You will come off funnier and better looking. You have to start worrying about her friends though. The best time to introduce yourself is on the dance floor or as she is returning from the bathroom. Never interrupt a woman on the way to the bathroom, as you do not know the mysterious female reasons that may be sending her there.

Sloppy (6-8 drinks)

She is losing coordination and slurring her words. You really don’t even need your A game with this one. She thinks everything is a great idea and she is excited to continue on her good time. Things might get a little crazy.  She might be eating your face off, spilling her drink, humping the fuck out of you on the dance floor, and you have three fingers in her. You have some things to be careful of, like make sure its all consensual still, avoid her friends by outlasting them, be the anchor of good times where she dismisses them because they are being lame wanting to cut out early, and be careful of the energetic but teethy blow job.

Wasted (9+)

Don’t even attempt to touch this.  Be a good guy get her to her friends and see her safely home.

Written by: Dick Lambert

Telling you to get a job at a strip club is a little like putting the cart before the horse. Hopefully my three part on dating a stripper both horrified and tempted you. Let me provide an alternative that provides the hot lusty kink of dating a stripper without the usual radioactive fallout out.

Work at a bookstore! If you can’t make the career move, then date a girl who works as a bookseller! The very least, pick up a girl at the bookstore.

Working at a bookstore gives you amazing access to a bevy of beautiful women who occasionally frequent a bookstore. You may also score a co-worker. Female booksellers are amazing; they are the embodiment of a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. You also get the add-on bonus of pulling any tail from other retail businesses around you.

When I worked at a bookstore, I had the deep pleasure of having one of my co-workers. Her name was Dawn, and yes I am using her real name because if she happens to read this, I’d like another fuckfest with her. So please Dawn, forward your current contact info so you can be Dagny Taggart and I will be Hank again.

Dawn was a beautiful red head with pale skin that desired the warmth of a man.  Smart, hard working full time employee at the book store and pursuing her Masters degree. The best part of Dawn was she was this super smart, sexy, intelligent woman who played every game from a position of power, because she had come to terms with pursuing her ambitions “in a man’s world” and staying true to her feminine side all to get what she wanted.

Dawn and I would always in the back room flirting and ass grabbing each other. She had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend that I was trying to remain loyal to. A woman who wants what she wants when she wants is very sexy. One day, dawn pushed me into the bathroom, got on her knees, pulled out my dick and sucked me off like it was life-sustaining magic cum. I had been blown before but this was some lustful hunger for dick that I had never experienced. She was egging me on, asking me with her mouth full of cock what my girlfriend’s name was. I couldn’t recall at that very moment. She made those happy, hungry sounds as if she couldn’t get enough. She placed my hands on her ponytail and encouraged me to fuck her mouth with complete abandon.  I came long and hard in her mouth, and just a little cum gets on her glasses (of course she wore black rimmed glasses), which to this day is an image that I access often in my porn bank.

If you want to do a bookstore pick-up, go at night because bookstore dating occurs then, so it leads to dinner, drinks, and sex. If you go in the day, you end up with coffee or worse, some stupid thing called brunch. Make sure you have 2-3 books in hand but avoid deal breaking titles like 1001 Fart Jokes. Pick only one customer or employee to hit on for this trip. Avoid all women in the Diet or Self Help sections; ladies with a lot of baggage are to be avoided. You want a woman who is confident and together.

Who knew reading could be so fun!

Written by: Dick Lambert

Hurray you are now fucking, I mean dating, a stripper! Awesome! Then just like me, you know the sex is outrageously hot right? You may have had similar experiences to my own such as the meltdown..

She is bent over my bathroom sink hands tied behind her back still wearing those impossibly high heel platform fuck me boots. Her head is bobbing in and out of a sink filled with water and ice cubes (her idea). I have, in my one hand, the end of her bra that is wrapped around her neck like a lasso for control. She has given herself completely to the moment as she is  pushing back on each one of my thrusts. This is a perfect merger of flesh as we are fucking hard and fast but in rhythm to our lust and bent desires. You know you are doing it right when you can see the ripple of each of your thrusts cascade in waves through her ass and upper thighs. Finally we both cum and I am so spent I’m leaning up on her ass for support and she is barely above the water in the sink. The bathroom is destroyed as there is water everywhere, and somehow I broke the toilet seat when I tried to use it for leverage and a different angle.

But such hot twisted sex from someone you are dating comes with some prices you pay pretty damn often. She is a nuclear reactor that melts down frequently.

Expect to get into fist fights with other guys at least two times every six months, as her customers occasionally cross the line when they go from good client to showing up on her door unexpected.

You will find yourself wrestling with the fact that she gives you the best blow jobs ever and the fact that you will wonder how did she get that good exactly.

There will be conflict with how much she loves to fuck and that she is a stripper. Not exactly someone you take home to meet mom or to your sister’s wedding. I really wish someone told me that before I did so.

There is a skeeve factor involved at some level that you must confront when you can think with your mind again and not your penis. You may get a little skeeved if she comes home and smells like some guy’s leg. You may get skeeved from the abundant use of stripper perfume that you found so attractive before. Now you know better it is to cover any BO and the smell of that guy on her.

80% chance she is cheating on you. 90% chance she is cheating on you if you don’t work at her club. 80% chance you are cheating on her if you work at her club. 100% chance you will witness a cat fight between her, you, and some skank you are cheating on her with or that she thinks you are.

She always thinks you will cheat on her and/or leave her.

She has no girl friends.

She will break something very near and dear to your heart. I have had several windows broken including a car windshield with my own motorcycle helmet.

But the sex was mind blowing. Just get out before the meltdown if you can pry yourself away from that ass.