Men: society owes you an apology. See, while we’ve been focusing on women’s equality, defining the modern woman, and increasing women’s rights, society has totally forgotten about you penile creatures. While we’ve been busy “bettering” the lives of women, you’ve been left in the shadows, gathering dust. I am a self-proclaimed masculinist. I am pro-male. And therefore, I feel like we must work together to redefine your role. Because honestly if we don’t, you’ll become obsolete; replaced by robots and dildos. Let me explain:
1. THE CURRENT SITUATION: You’re not man enough. Hey, those aren’t my words. In recent years, a gazillion articles and books have been written about you guys not manning up. In this article, Why Men Are in Trouble, William J. Bennet writes, “We may need to say to a number of our twenty-something men, ‘Get off the video games five hours a day, get yourself together, get a challenging job and get married.'” And in The End of Men, Hanna Rosin talks about women taking over the workforce, superseding men’s ability to drive the economy. OK, you get the point. But basically your perceived lacked of manhood and your infectious Peter Pan Syndrome has led to instructional websites like The Art of Manliness, and books like The Guys’ Guy’s Guide to Love, in which the author Robert Manni claims that “[if men step up], they’ll realize that the ascent of women is really a good thing.”
2. THE PROBLEM: Your manly roles have been stripped away. Back in the day, women needed you for the basic necessities. You were the breadwinner, the head of household. Without you, we would’ve been hungry, homeless, and babyless. I would even go as far as saying you validated a woman’s place in society by marrying her. Nowadays, your services are no longer required. Women are equally as educated, make just as much money (if not more), and test tube babies are coming out just fine. In fact, marriage and kids no longer need to be part of the equation. So what are you good for anymore?
3. THE BIGGER PROBLEM: Women expect you to be manly, whatever that means. How many times have you heard this scenario – “What’s wrong?” “Nothing.” “OK.” “Ugh, you should know what’s wrong.” We’re not pulling this shit out of thin air. It’s because women have these expectations of what a man should do and say, but we can’t pinpoint what that is exactly. Why? Because again, your role is undefined. I see this happening a lot: the woman does something to show that she’s an independent woman, but then gets mad when the guy treats her too equal. For example, “I offered to pay because I make my own money, but fuck him for taking my money when he was the one who asked me out first.” Or, “I wanted to express my opinions at the dinner party because I am well-informed on this topic, but fuck him for not backing me up!” Again, it’s your undefined role that’s creating miscommunication with the female species, leading to frustrations, arguments, and 50 Shades of Grey.
4) THE SOLUTION: Redefine manhood. It’s time we put the attention back on you guys. Let’s work together to redefine your role in a relationship. Here are a couple of my suggestions –
- The Ego Booster. Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell her she’s smart. And tell her her ass looks good in those jeans.
- The Side Taker. When she’s bitching about her nasty boss, she’s not looking to you to play devil’s advocate. You take her side ’cause you’re on her team. So that’s right, her boss is a hoe.
- The Protector. I don’t care if she’s an Olympic gold medal wrestler, you should be the one to shield her from bad people, falling objects, slippery puddles, on-coming cars, dance club gropers, vomit on the sidewalk, crawly creatures, and vampires.
- The Vagina Stimulator. She may have a vibrator with colorful tentacles coming out of it, but trust me, whatever that thing can do, you can do ten times better. Why? Because you have hands, a mouth, and a real penis. So find out what she likes, what makes her feel good, and do it better every time.
I think above all else, women want to feel like women around their men. We want to feel feminine yet empowered. Women are in no shape or form perfect, but the least you can do is fulfill your (new) roles as a man. Think about it, less time spent figuring each other out = more time in the sack. Sounds like good math to me.
*Side note for my female readers: Feminism can go too far. Anything they can do, we can do better…yes. But do we really want to do everything? Why burden ourselves with all the pressure and responsibilities? Is it that imperative to prove that we are equal, as opposed to proving how great we are at being women. And let them prove how great they are at being men. Because men are great at being men, only when we give them the chance.
Miss Singlefied recommends the book: Around the world in 80 Girls: The epic 3 year trip of a backpacking Casanova