Dick’s Time Off: Non English Speaking BFF Nazi LF Dick

Posted: 07/21/2011 by DickLambert in Dating
Tags: , , , , ,

I love sharing my illicit experiences with you guys. I hope they titillate and inspire you to new levels of lewd and crude ways to get off with those heavenly creatures we call women. I have a lot of success without a doubt but sometimes I feel like the Anti-Dick when I fail. When I do fail it is in spectacular fashion, so without further ado let me share with you the last two weeks.

I hang out with this one female and it is obvious to all that she worships and is completely intimidated by me. Let’s not mince words, she is obsessed with me and would do anything for me. Sounds great right? She is marrying material except I don’t want to get married. She is also a tad below my high standards for looks. Lets face it, I love having some nice arm candy wrapped around me that others covet and do a double take while thinking how does a guy like that get a girl like that. Otherwise, she is pretty damn awesome; smart, witty, sweet, shares some of the same hobbies I enjoy. But there is no chase, no pull of chemistry, it just seems too damn easy for me. I know what would happen: I would take her for granted and a few weeks from now write about how I hooked up with her cousin or mother. Meanwhile, we go on these “NoDates” together, you know dinner and a movie but no affection. Today she jumped into my car for another “NoDate” and had a gift bag of a bunch of cute thoughtful gifts. I’m tempted but I don’t want to run over her heart.

Meanwhile, on top of my plethora of “NoDates” I have this young female friend on XBox Live. We met playing Team Fortress 2 together. She is sweet but awfully young like just now she is legal. She is a good player though, so we chat on our mics from our separate lives but we have been playing together for so long inevitably we became Facebook friends. Well, this week she admitted in a tirade of heartfelt messages that she wants me to marry her non-English speaking mother so one they get their green card, two so her mom doesn’t grow old alone, and three because it would be nice to have a father figure around like me since I don’t talk down to her when I give her good fatherly advice. The messages were so serious and desperate they pulled at my few heart strings. The next morning was a final message from her saying her mom said we should all go to the zoo together.

Am I getting soft?

Then finally my one good friend calls me up saying he has found the perfect girl for me. She is this cute hard edge death metal chic who is Jewish and harbors some dark Nazi sexual fantasies she hasn’t found anyone to fulfill with. Now, I am perverted and twisted but Nazis? I always say try it once for it’s better regret something you have done then regret something you haven’t done but how down the rabbit hole would this take me? None of this stopped me from looking her up on Facebook. She is skinny, tough, but soft, Israeli woman, who defiantly loves Death Metal. Speaking further with my friend, apparently he and four other friends had a conference with her at the local bar to sell her on me. Now, I know all about her and I could see us getting together and all that implies but again not only is that some dark twisted shit but it just seems too easy.

The last weeks were just a slew of belt notches in the waiting from the friend willing and waiting to be sacrificed on the penis alter of Dick Lambert, the desperate illegal non-English speaking mom of a video game teammate, to the sick little songbird that wants me to break her further. Aren’t there any normal women out there? Anyone up for a good ole fashioned chase?

Even I know the exquisite pain of the guy who goes home alone because without the bitter baby, the sweet ain’t as sweet.

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