When I rejoined the dating scene over a year ago, hearing a guy describe himself as “emotionally unavailable” or “a commitment-phobe” turned me on just as much as someone telling me “you’re hot.” I thrived on the challenge of being that girl to change the “unavailable” to “open” and the fleeting to stable. I thought there was something wrong with me until almost every girl I knew was dating an emotionally unavailable commitment-phobe. I became addicted to the idea and began to assume the same asshole demeanor myself. I was in a constant state of leaving, escaping and going. I prided myself on being “emotionally irresponsible” and gloated about my commitment issues.
It has finally occurred to me that the Emotionally-Unavailable-Commitment-Phobe has become the cool, trendy thing to be. You’re unattainable, like James Bond or George Clooney. You’re also implying that it would take a very special girl to hold you down. By telling any girl that you’re this temporary, emotionally-depleted, volatile being, you’re basically saying, “Prove that you’re good enough for me to change.”
It works. For both men and women. Because we all love a challenge and we all want to be that special person to someone. However, from personal experience and observations of my friends and clients, we encourage this type of behavior because 1) it protects us from hearing the truth (“She dumped me because she’s just not emotionally ready”) and 2) it hides our true feelings (“I stopped dating her because I’m still commitment-phobic”).
When in the end, all we’re trying to say is, “I’m not that into you.” If you really found the girl of your dreams, you’d be more emotionally available to her than Dr. Phil. Very simple.
So next time you catch yourself telling a girl how you’re so afraid of commitment and your last relationship depleted your soul, it’s a clear sign that this is not the right girl for you. But if you’re trying to get laid and want a girl on retainer, keep feeding her those lines and every time you don’t leave immediately after sex, she’ll think she’s breaking down your walls. Poor girl, she’ll learn sooner or later.