Our favorite bachelor, Hugh Hefner, announced his engagement to 24-year-old Crystal Harris over Twitter. Hef’s 3rd marriage proves my 3 Wives Theory, which is that every guy will go through 3 wives in their lifetime.
First wife: You will most likely have met her in school and believe your love in the school environment will transfer to the real world. You get married in your early 20’s and because you still have a romanticized view of marriage, you believe that this is “the one.” After going through major changes in your late 20’s, you two grow apart and one of you will be curious about what else is out there. Maybe there’s cheating, maybe there’s innocent flirting, but it ends in divorce and your view of marriage now is all fucked up.
Hef’s 1st wife: Mildred Williams. Nice looking girl his age whom he met while attending Northwestern. Mildred cheated on Hef right from the beginning and due to guilt, let him sleep with other women during their marriage. The arrangement screwed up their relationship which ultimately ended in divorce. Hef became a major man slut.
Second wife: Now in your 30’s, stilled fucked up from the first marriage, you decide you want a trophy wife, and someone completely opposite of your first wife. So, you meet some barista or nurse who is younger, hotter and cooler than your first wife. You have kids with her because she has good genes. You show her off to all of your friends until you realize she is aging and without her looks, the marriage is a sham. You have an expensive divorce which makes you bitter and depressed. You now don’t believe in marriage, especially when writing that alimony check.
Hef’s 2nd wife: Kimberly Conrad. Gorgeous young piece of ass who barely graduated from high school. Convinced by a photographer to pose for Playboy and became Playmate of the Year 1989. Kimberly was a trophy wife (he’s even holding her like a trophy in the pic). Kimberly and Hef had 2 kids and divorced shortly after. Her body wasn’t the same anymore. Kimberly sued Hef for $5 million dollars for the sale of a house they owned together. Hef was grumpy.
Third wife: You swear off marriage for a long time and even have some close calls during your hiatus. Then as you get old, your mortality sets in. You don’t want to to die alone. A nice enough woman comes into your life. She is not as passionate as the first one but not as dumb as the 2nd. Now you’re ready for a real marriage. Let’s face it: you’re not as handsome as you used to be. Your balls are shriveling and Viagra is your best friend. Any woman who can tolerate you for life is your soul mate.
Hef’s 3rd wife: After many girlfriends and close-calls (refusing to marry long time girlfriend Holly Madison), Hef proposes to 24-year-old playmate Crystal Harris. Don’t get it twisted, this is not the typical 3rd wife that you’ll get but she is a mixture of Mildred and Kimberly. Crystal is smart like Mildred (degree in Psychology, own line of cosmetics, signed to record label as a singer and songwriter), and hot like Kimberly. Besides, Hugh is 84…I don’t know if he can squeeze in a 4th wife after Crystal.
So there you have it, my 3 Wives Theory. I say save yourself the energy and money and just skip right to your 3rd wife by getting married in your 40’s.