After spending more than 7 months scoping out the dating scene in the fastest developing city in the world, I am now excited to expand Singlefied internationally. Meanwhile, The Beijinger, the biggest publication for foreigners and expats living in Beijing, did a nice feature on yours truly. Page 54.
Sample scenario:
Buddy: “Yo, what happened with the girl you met on Saturday?”
You: “I got her number. Texted her on Tuesday.”
Buddy: “Nice. And?”
You: “Nah. I mean it’s only been three days. I know she’s really busy with work. She works at Google, and you know working there can be a bitch.”
Buddy: “What did you text her?”
You: “I wrote…’Hey, it’s Derek, we met on Sat. Wanna grab drinks Thursday after work?’”
Buddy: “As in yesterday?”
You: “Yeah, but it’s cool because I know she takes yoga pretty often, so I’m sure she was occupied with that yesterday.”
Buddy: “Right, ’cause it’s hard to type out a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when you’re in down doggie style.”
You: “I believe it’s ‘down dog.’ Thanks. And shit, she might be out of town for work, I know she travels a lot for her job. Whatever, I texted her again yesterday to see if she’s in town on Saturday. Nothing back yet, but if anything she’s just playing games.”
Buddy: “Yeah, playing games as in ignoring you?”
You: “No, she’s just making me work for it. I like that. Feisty. Or maybe she didn’t get the text. She doesn’t have an iPhone, so you know how crappy the other phones are.”
Buddy: [NO RESPONSE]
You: “Dude, she’s a cool girl. Not like the rest. She has a busy life. I think she’s also involved with some sort of volunteer organization. And her friends from out of town may still be here. I’ll probably give her a call this weekend.”
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What does a PR agent do? They cover up their client’s mistakes, highlight the positive points, and distract the public from the truth. For example, when Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah’s couch like a chimpanzee, PR statements were put out staying he was preparing for a new movie role. When Kobe was accused of rape, PR statements described him as a “responsible” man who got involved in a conspiracy. But guess what, you’re not doing PR for the girl you’re pursuing. Deep down, you know when you’re being rejected, when she’s being a bitch, and when she’s not interested, but for some reason, some of you still feel the need to DEFEND her. Especially in front of your friends. Stop making excuses for her because it doesn’t do you any good either. In the above scenario, you should just face the truth: she’s clearly not interested but gave you her number because she likes the attention. But c’mon, no response after 2 texts? That’s just disrespectful and rude. You shouldn’t have to defend that fact.
So next time, you find yourself defending some chick you’re chasing after, ask yourself, “Do I actually believe this statement?” And if you don’t, you better fucking be paid for your PR blitz.
Don’t Take It Personally!: The Art of Dealing with Rejection
I’ve been spending some time lately watching a really popular Chinese dating show called “If You’re The One.” Here’s the basic premise:
- 24 girls, 1 guy
- Girls have the option to either keep their light on (interested) or off (not interested) for the guy. They can turn their light off whenever they want.
- When the guy first comes out, he secretly picks one girl as his First Impression girl, or literally translated as “The girl that moved my heart.” This choice is only revealed to the host and people watching at home.
- There then is banter between the host and the bachelorettes, as they unleash their opinions about the bachelor in question.
- At the end of the segment, given that there is more than 1 girl who has her light on still, the bachelor picks 2 girls to find out more info. In addition, the First Impression girl is thrown into the mix, too, regardless of whether she left her light on or not.
- Result: the bachelor can pick one of the girls to “take away,” but if he chooses his First Impression girl and she did not leave her light on for him, he has to plead for her to give him a chance.
I started watching the show because it’s the type of absurdity that you know would never exist in reality. For example, the girls are extremely honest with their opinions of the bachelors. “He’s a little fat.” “He looks a little gay.” “I question his fashion sense.” And my favorite: “He looks poor.” But when the bachelor is extremely good looking (quite rare), or is an overall great catch, the girls get super desperate. “It’s my dream to be the perfect wife for you.” “I will cook for you and bring you food to your office, everyday.” “I can look a lot prettier if you want me to.” Basically pleas along the lines of, “I will do everything short of wiping your ass. OK, I could do that, too.”
So, the most interesting observation I’ve made pertains to how bachelors handle their First Impression girl, the girl who moved their heart. I would say, of all the episodes I’ve watched, close to 90% of men choose their First Impression girl in the end, regardless of whether she left her light on or not. And about 99% of time, the girl rejects him. And the more she says “no,” the more the bachelor ups his game. Which, then forces the girl to say something devastating cliche like, “Let’s try to be friends first.” He’s then left empty-handed and publicly humiliated in front of millions of viewers who were rooting for any of the other girls.
What are the takeaways?
One. Guys are hunters. HER. ME WANT. <good ol’ fashioned chest pounding>
Two. Girls may not know if you are what they want, but they sure know when you’re NOT what they want.
Three. When a guy has his eyes on the prize, all other options pale in comparison.
Four. If a girl rejects a guy, her mind is made up.
Five. When a guy is faced with rejection, his first inclination is to try harder.
Six. Girls can be dicks, too.
So in the end, if she’s pretty clear that she’s not interested, she’s not interested. And the energy you spend trying to convince her otherwise should be used to open your eyes to the other “contestants” who are just as great, if not better.
And if you want to waste 10 minutes of your life…
Results of the Dating Survey are in! We had 100 participants: 41% female and 59% male. The results are fascinating and somewhat surprising.
*In the survey, participants were asked to give their demographic info (age, location, occupation, employment status, relationship status and sexual preference) and then rank the following qualities in order of importance when evaluating a potential mate: Looks, Personality/Sense of Humor, Job/Salary, Intelligence/Education, and Good in Bed. Then they were asked to answer the same question according to how they think their opposite sex would respond (this question was added after the survey launched so 10% of participants did not get to answer this question).
Written By: Dick Lambert
Sorry, I haven’t been posting my adventures recently. I am going to catch you all up and also say goodbye, as this will be Dick’s last post.
I recently, had a house guest for a few weeks. A friend of mine from high school is getting divorced and he needed some time to recharge his testosterone at my man cave. Nothing cures a discouraged heart better than getting right back on top of or behind another woman, so we set out with Operation Wingman.
Operation Wingman has a few key ingredients: one is a dive bar where the drinks are good n cheap, two the women are plentiful, and three a friend who knows the fine art of wingmanship. I was looking forward to helping Ned out because he was going through a tough time, while he is handsome, Ned is an awful closer. Plus Ned hadn’t really seen the full Dick in action so I was going to show off a bit.
We hit the bar at 11:30 pm enough time for anyone there to have already gotten a buzz on. Ned eyed two women he was interested in and in a brazen move walked right up one and started chatting her up. Ned was just plowing through trying to be bold. I had to rescue him as he was like a bull in a fine china shop. Once I reared him in and helped him get his drink on we casually saddled up next to his second pick, let the games begin!
I wish I had a good name for this particular wingman technique, your suggestions are welcome. I played to perfection the role of funny but obnoxious friend that goes a little to far. I started the ice breaker off by talking about an unusual viewpoint on the movie Forrest Gump. I then poll those around us, lo and behold the woman Ned is interested in. No matter what her opinion I tease her, disagree, and bust her as much as possible in a playful manner. The wingman is great because you are loose and on your game because you don’t care, there is no pressure for yourself. I say playing the wingman role is great practice in general for picking up woman. Now, here comes the tricky part, you want to make Ned seem smarter, funnier, and a better choice. You do not want to flip her to yourself that usually causes problems between you and Ned. I make sure this doesn’t happen by occasionally pushing things in the kidding around a little to far and there is Ned to rescue her, offer her a smoke outside, another drink, and a dance all to rescue her from my sinister clutches.
Ned is such a bad closer that he goes outside for a smoke without her. I tell her straight out look what you have done. My good friend from way back is outside by himself, smoking while you are in here being made fun of by me. I think there has to be some sort of rule that you aren’t following, do you leave your girlfriends alone to brave the women’s room alone? Im pretty sure you aren’t suppose to leave Ned alone. She complies because by this time she knows the dynamics of our group, I’m the funny but obnoxious one, Ned is the very funny (laugh extra hard when you are the wingman), employed traveler.
By the end of the evening I invite all to the diner for some grease to settle stomachs. I of course make up some outlandish reason my car is full and I have to stop home so Ned and her will have to ride together. They never make it to the diner and Ned gets his freak on at her place for the next three days; my man cave is mine alone!
I have also been hard at work breaking into an ex’s new circle of friends at belly dancing class. I have met the women after class at the local bar on two occasions. I have shown I am funny, smart, tall, handsome, man of means who can thrive in a pack of sexually aggressive liberated belly dancing women. My X is doing her part of the wingman by downplaying we use to go out ages and ages ago. I’m torn between two of her friends. The belly dancing instructor herself or the young Latin gal. I even come to the performance showcase and afterwards close the dance floor with them. By the way this is the best advice about dancing with a woman I have ever seen.
I start a little dance circle, a little conga line, and just have silly fun. The young Latin girl is into me and the belly dancing instructor takes every opportunity to check me out, impressed I can have fun dancing. I eventually choose the young Latin woman, Marisa.
I figure I can always come back to the dance instructor.
I bring all the A game to my first date with Marisa. Our first date is the gun range and drinks or what I like to call Shooting and Shots (in that order always!). If you have never shot a rifle or pistol before you should go with some of your friends. It makes for a fun first date because its exciting, you can show off a little, on a primal level guns are sexy, men who can handle themselves with a firearm is sexy, and a woman with a gun is sexy, its win-win. I also like the gun range because you can have a lot of fun with body language and some non-creepy touching. Help her grip the pistol, help her spread her legs even with her shoulders, shift her hips to the side, look down sight, control your breathing, and lean into the recoil. Afterwards we are doing shots high on the excitement from the range and then down the street from her parents’ house, making out in my car.
Here comes the part where I explain why this is my last post. I got a lot of high fives from Ned, my other friends, and some great feedback from our readers, and of course Miss Singlefied herself. Meanwhile, through this I started dating this one woman who I met online. I’m not going to even make up a name for her here. We have been on three dates and haven’t even hooked up yet. Out of all the ladies: Marisa, belly dancing instructor, and the others along the way I’m more myself around her, I make all the mistakes I implore you not to make in my previous posts. I think I have reached a time where I find if I play the game too well I outplay the organic development of any real connection or feelings. Marisa and I played a perfect game but it wasn’t much of a challenge, I wasn’t being myself, I was really just Dick Lambert looking to win and score, somehow more and more it feels unnatural and I feel alone. By playing the game too much and too well you play yourself out of romance and love, like the difference between a delicious homemade cherry pie and a diet artificial supermarket cherry pie if there was such a thing.
Playing the game is fun, but with the girl who really matters, you just have to play yourself. Gentlemen, it has been an absolute pleasure.
Happy New Year.
I was recently interviewed and profiled by JackFroot.com. I promised I wouldn’t hold anything back. And I didn’t…
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STAN KARR YEUNG
If Will Smith’s character from the 2005 movie Hitch were a real person, he would be a she, and she would be Chinese and hot. Everything else is pretty much the same, minus the story line and plot, actually only the part where Hitch helps guys with dating advice is the same.
Read the rest here
Let’s just pretend I never went on a blogging hiatus. Cool? Cool.
Continuing our “Art of Conversation” series, last time I wrote about Deep Listening: The most scarce resource in a conversation is attention. And once you’re in a conversation, what do you do?
The biggest mistake many make when in a conversation with a new person is that they worry too much about how they’re being perceived. ”Am I coming off interesting?” ”Do I sound smart?” “What should I talk about next?” Now I challenge you to shift your perspective, and focus entirely on the other person:
1) What does this person want?
Let’s say on a first date, a girl brings up her dog Guido.
What she wants: She wants to brag about her dog and why she named him Guido. So hey, you should ask her about her dog Guido. Ask as many questions as possible.
2) What does this person need?
On the same first date, she tells you about her biggest pet peeve: loud eaters.
What she needs: Good manners. So, you should ask her about how she realized this pet peeve. How she feels when she’s in a noodle shop. And how are Guido’s table manners?
3) What are her values?
She tells you how after playing Dance Central
What’s important to her: Respect. Mature communication. Sensitivity. And cookies. It gives you an opportunity to ask her what she would do if the situation were reversed. Also, what kind of cookies?
By putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, you not only get a better sense of that person, but it also takes the pressure off of trying too hard to impress.
This week’s challenge: Talk to a bartender and try to assess her needs. Bartenders are 1) open to talking to strangers and 2) not used to talking too much about themselves. It should be a fun challenge. And even more fun if she has distracting teets.
P.S. In the class, we were given the scenario of when a cop pulls you over. While most people shit their pants and try to come up with an excuse, it turns out that according to a survey of police officers, they want you to 1) have your hands on the wheel (Safety), 2) address them by “sir” (Respect), 3) admit your wrongdoing (Acknowledgement of Authority), and 4) say you’ll ever do it again (Job Accomplished). Apparently, if you follow these 4 steps, you’ll most likely be let off on a warning. And to think, all those years of faking “female problems,” or my favorite: “no speak English.”
I highly recommend this book by Dale Carnegie: How To Win Friends and Influence People
Wow, some of you guys are so romantical and some of you are just douchey. It’s all good, because the girls of Singlefied have picked a winner: Aaron H. Congrats Aaron, you and a guest will be attending the Chivas Tasting Event courtesy of Sparkology! Check out the winning date idea below, and scroll through to see some of the entries that stood out to us.
WINNING DATE:
Start out in Central Park by surprising her with a lunch picnic including some of her favorite dishes. Bring extra blankets in case it’s chilly. After lunch, take her on a dessert tour while walking downtown. Map out 5-6 bakeries along the way. At the last bakery, have a pre-planned dessert with a rose attached (set up ahead of time). She’ll be pleasantly surprised. Reward all this walking with aperitivo at Casa Nonna, an Italian style happy hour where you have access to a buffet of appetizers with the purchase of a cocktail. Drop her off in a cab and walk your ass home.
Our verdict: How thoughtful, well-planned, simple, and romantic! This date requires some pre-planning, but it’ll make any girl impressed and giddy. And hello dessert tour? Hell yeah! Well done, Aaron. We all want to date you now.
STAND-OUT ENTRIES:
1) 1st date Strbcks in mall, be late so she buys her own drnk, get an iced chai, chat abt life n thn buy af1s while askn 4 input
Our verdict: Yo, we said $100 budget, not $1.50. And btw, don’t ever be late for a date.
2) The date starts at the Brooklyn Bridge, where you greet her with a single red rose (or other flower;$3-$5). You walk across the bridge to the middle deck and take out some red wine to have a toast (Trader Joe’s wine, $4). Next, onto Flamenco dance lessons at Dance New Amsterdam ($16.50 each). The studio is a few blocks from the bridge. After dance lessons, get onto the 6 train going downtown. This train ride loops back uptown at the last stop, taking you through beautiful, historic City Hall train station that many people don’t know about. The view is very beautiful and romantic. Ride the train until you get to Grand Central (train ride $4.50). Stroll trough Grand Central and then on to Bryant Park. Across from the park, make a stop at Lily O’brien’s for Coffee or Hot Chocolate and receive a free gourmet chocolate with your drink (with a 2 for 1 coupon on their website the cost will be about $3.50). She will appreciate a bargain and the resourcefulness. After coffee, stroll through Times Square and enjoy the lights. Then on to 5 Napkin Burger. Don’t let the name fool you, this restaurant has great food, drinks and atmosphere, at very reasonable prices(entrees range from about $12-$16). The menu includes great sushi, delicious gourmet burgers, salads and other seafood dishes. At this point you should have just enough money to finish the night off with a drink….and that concludes my version of the perfect date for under a $100. With this date I would hope to have given the impression that I am fun, creative, outgoing, and romantic.
Our verdict: We love the romantic and surprising (Flamenco!) aspects of your date, but we do not love you pulling out a 2-for-1 coupon. There’s nothing wrong with finding a bargain, but make it discreet.
3) While Lincoln Center is mostly known for it’s operas and ballets, it allows for an upscale variation on the tried and true movie dinner date as well. For $20 you can watch a screening of your favorite movie from a year ago followed by a live q&a with the director. Somewhere between the strangely polite audience (a rarity in NYC), the frank discussion with the director (the glitz and glamour of celebrity), and the outraged older woman in the front row berating said director (you are after all still in New York), you the makings of a date her roommates will definitely hear about. For a $10 cab ride you can end up on the corner of 49th and broadway at Hagi. While it’s pretty much as close to Times Square as you can be without technically being in it, the nondescript door filters out any fanny pack toting tourists. First made famous as a watering hole for Bourdain and culinary buddies, the menu features a slew of Japanese delicacies at an affordable price and pitchers cheap enough to never feel guilty about ordering another one.
Our verdict: A Bourdain-worthy restaurant is always a plus, but spending half of the date not talking to each other is a negative. Save movie dates for a girlfriend, not a girl you’re trying to fuck.
4) Take her to Nobu and tell her she can order whatever she wants. Throw in a couple bottles of champagne! Then at the end of dinner, claim that you lost your wallet. Be convincingly frazzled, then tell her you’ll make it up to her next time.
Our verdict: You’re a dick.
5) The date starts at lunch at an uncrowded Chelsea Market where we whet our appetites by slowly meandering and picking up pieces here and there from the various purveyors. Inevitably, conversation steers towards food: we notice each other’s reactions to the tasty fare in the storefronts, to the samples of various goodies that we would not have tried normally, but the relaxed atmosphere encourages us to be indulgent. Lunch in hand, we head southwest to Battery Park and hungrily dig into our makeshift picnic at the park near the World Financial Center. The sight of moored yachts and sailboats make for a playful backdrop as we share stories of unforgettable meals.
The notion of being on the water on a sunny day grips us so we board the Staten Island Ferry and watch the skyline shrink and appreciate this token act of escapism. Sea mist and unfamiliar views of familiar places give us a different, thus tastier slice of New York. Swirls of history, nostalgia and PBS specials well up as we pass by the Statue of Liberty. Finally, we arrive at Staten Island only to immediately go back and experience the whole thing in reverse.
Traipsing through TriBeCa, we grab a quick Vietnamese iced coffee to fuel us to Columbus park in the heart of Chinatown where we revel in the sensory chaos of amateur Beijing opera, handball, fishmongers and senior citizens showing off their tai chi skills to their grandchildren. We take mental notes as we casually mention tidbits of our travels, pressing for more details when it merits.
Then off to SoHo for a quiet(er) respite where we leaf through the new Visionaire and the photo-laden tomes at Tashen and Phaidon. Eagerly showing each other images and/or prose that made an impression, we notice some shared tastes in art but more importantly, we take note of the differences that we can discuss later.
Finally, we take the subway to Coney Island. This short 45 minute train ride allows us to get a small gauge of how we would travel together. We continue our travel talk, while witnessing the dramatic change in scenery from the above ground subway. Escaping the hustle of Manhattan and emerging in the bustle of southern Brooklyn, we stroll on the boardwalk and determine that Nathan’s hotdogs are indeed better in Coney Island. The cool sea air is especially romantic at dusk when on the ferris wheel.
Our verdict: What a wonderfully poetic, scenic and well-scripted date. However, how many hours do we need for this whole production? And when can we take a break from all the traveling? If you’re planning a very involved and active date, make sure to warn her the night before so she wears proper shoes!
Check out “Sex Diaries” in New York Magazine
