Posts Tagged ‘dating fails’

Written By: Dick Lambert

We have spent some time together now and I think I owe it to you, my readers, to tell you a little bit about me. You can learn a lot from someone’s success but you can learn a lot about someone by their failure also. Yes, it’s true even Dick fails from time to time and here is one of those times.

I lived with two women in a fantastic rented house. My one roommate Erin was a bartender and my other roommate Susan was a college student. The setup was awesome because Erin could hook me up at a bar and Susan exposed all her friends to the power of Dick. One day, I rode my motorcycle to Erin’s bar and as I pulled in, some douchebag in a Porsche pulled out without looking, almost clipping my motorcycle. I entered the bar a little frazzled and saw Erin serving two women. One of them was absolutely stunning – Leyla. I won’t even waste your time and mine with details about her other unremarkable friend.

Leyla was an arresting Eastern European, taller then me without my motorcycle boots on; flawless complexion, a healthy sculptured ass, a gravity defying perky rack, stunning almost supernatural eyes, and that wonderful aloof frosty way about her that I so adore in Eastern European women.  A weakness of mine is Eastern European women, as they are either dumb as a bag of hammers or Physics 172 smart. Leyla was Physics 172 smart.

I sat down next to Leyla’s friend and said hello to Erin. Erin placed my drink in front of me without me ordering anything. Leyla’s unremarkable friend said the only thing I would listen to, “Leyla, you should break up with that asshole.”  I quickly chimed in, “Especially if he drives a gray Porsche, that idiot almost hit me.” Leyla’s boyfriend was indeed that guy. The evening goes on and I supply them both with a steady amount of drinks from Erin. I learn that Leyla’s boyfriend is better looking than me and owns a few dry cleaners, but is a complete tool.  A few times when Leyla speaks, I feign that I can’t hear her so she draws in closer. I quickly figure out that Leyla is very smart so we start talking physics. Now, with any subject you will run into someone who either is enamored by the classical school of thought or dazzled by the possibilities of new school thinking. Leyla mentions a new book on String Theory and I tell her that it is the physics book I have on my very nightstand. You should always have some trendy or classic books on your nightstand. I also tell her she should come validate my claim. The discussion continues into all sorts of theoretical astro physics and luckily I do read the books on my nightstand. I feign again that I can’t hear her and her friend gives up her spot so Leyla and I can continue our postulating on what happens to matter when it hits a black holes singularity.

I then get to the crucial round of drinks called the “send off drink.” Leyla didn’t drive here but her unremarkable friend did. The unremarkable friend has a hard stop on drinking after a certain number. The goal is to get her there after physically and conversationally isolating her. The magic number is usually four.  Bye bye unremarkable friend. Leyla sends her off and we continue our conversation, now peppered with plenty of witty innuendo and bar foreplay in the manner of meaningful but innocent touching.

Leyla reveals to me her magnificent tattoo of her dead pet iguana on her back. Leyla loved this iguana and they got on very well and thus she was crushed when he died. I touch the nape of her neck and run my hand down to the iguana immortalized on her otherwise unmarred marble skin. She shudders a little. I invite Leyla back to my place but now the cat is out of the bag that I live with two females, Erin and Susan. Leyla declines and we have a kiss before she gets into a taxi. The kiss is bitter sweet because even though she gave me her number, the chance is gone as her boyfriend will be the one to call her tomorrow.

Even amongst my own triumphs I still think about Leyla and her iguana tattoo. Look, I am just a regular looking guy who creates his own luck, has more balls than most, goes after what he wants, and sometimes still goes home alone.