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A Teched-Out Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day guys!  Yay, another day reminding you that you’re single whether you like it or not.  I am currently in Beijing working on a couple dating-related (and some just for fun) projects.  The dating scene here is borderline absurd where men outnumber women 3:1 but expats know China to be a notorious easy lay.  Who knew such a conservative culture on the outside would hide so much promiscuity underneath.  Trust me, I could write a whole book on it (and I will).  And if you’re a guy not getting enough ass in the US, you should come to China.  But don’t expect “Me love you long time.”  It’ll be more like, “Me love you tonight or until I find out you’re dirt ass poor.”

OK, back to Valentine’s Day.  The topic of dating has become the most popular thing in China with hundreds of dating shows, matchmaking services, and online dating sites popping up by the second.  In the past, people traditionally met by being introduced by family or co-workers.  Now, young Chinese adults have taken on more non-traditional approaches to dating.  One of which is through the most downloaded app in China called Weixin, available for Android and Apple.

This free app is available in English and Chinese and after downloading it for only 2 days, I’ve already decided that it is perfect for the single and bored.  So the basic functions are:

• SMS anyone in your phonebook without using up your text message allowance
• Send instant audio messages (way better than voicemail)
• Send bulk messages
• Search for friends
• Find people within a 1000m radius through an advanced geo-location service

But here’s some of the kinky stuff you can do:

• Strike up a conversation with any of the strangers you find through the geo-location search.  Everyone has a profile pic and a brief intro so you can weed out the uglies.
• The “Shake” (摇一摇）function asks you to shake your phone and if other people (strangers or friends) happen to shake their phone at the same time, you’re instantly connected and can initiate a conversation with each other.  I was at a dinner where someone told me that her brother in Australia found his current girlfriend through this function.  Apparently, Weixin has reached more than 100 million shakes a day, meaning over 100 million strangers are connecting daily.
• My favorite is the “Drift Bottle” function, which can be really quirky and naughty.  You have two selections: 1) You write/record a message and “throw” it out into the cybersea, or 2) You pick up a random message and respond to the stranger if you choose to.  It may seem innocent enough but last night while using this function, I thought I was in the middle of some weird cyber porno.  I “threw” out the audio message “I love cake!” and got several replies along the lines of “Is it as yummy as you?” “I’ll eat it if it’s on you,” and the most forward, “I want to eat you.”  Now I’m dating all 3 guys.  (haha, j/k)

So there are 50 million Weixin users with the majority being between 22-30.  It helps if you know Chinese but many of the users are non-Chinese and/or know English.  But that may also be because I’m using it in China.  How about you guys try it in the states and tell me who you find?

And just a word of caution from my friend PK: people always look better as a thumbnail.  Make sure you ask for more pics before you meet up with these randos.

If you want to find more dating apps, check out Apps Magazine: The Best dating Apps

 

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Calling is Not Extinct in Dating

It seems that everybody read last week’s NY Times article, “Don’t Call Me, I Won’t Call You.”  Fair enough that we hardly call each other anymore, as the article states, “Phone calls are rude.  Intrusive.  Awkward.”  We all seem to have better things to do than to actually hold our phones up to our ears (gross, who does that?!) and talk to a human.  However, this is why I still stand by the courtesy call, when it comes to dating.

Think about it, in this cruel game of dating, it’s hard to stand out sometimes.  You may be just another guy trying to get into another girl’s pants.  How do we, as jaded women, know that you take us seriously?  Sure, you can text us seemingly esoteric jokes, but how do we know you’re not mass texting?  Listen, I know plenty of guys who will mass text “Thinking of you.  What are you up to?” to a rotating list of 5+ girls hoping that one will actually respond with, “Thinking of you too.  Let me take off my skirt and come over.”  We know that the advancements in technology are meant to improve efficiency, in other words, require less effort from you to accomplish what you want to accomplish.  So, if you actually pick up the phone to call us, you’ve already stood out from the clutter of lazy men who are texting us from urinals.

I don’t like to give rules, but I’ll call these “guidelines to calling a girl”:

- ALWAYS call for the first date.  It’s a nice and polite thing to do, plus it makes it clear that it is an official date.

- You don’t have to leave a voicemail.  My friend Krissy the other day forgot how to check her voicemail (she’s not the brightest, but still).  If the girl doesn’t pick up, it’s perfectly acceptable to text her, “Hey just tried calling you.  Wanted to see if you want to hang out Thursday.”

- Call with a purpose.  Meaning, don’t call to small talk or just to check in.  Have a call-to-action.  Call if you want to know if she’s free this weekend or want to express something to her, not if you want to hear her blabber about her weekend ski trip.  Save catch-ups and small talk for in-person conversations.  It’s brilliant if a guy calls and says, “Hey, I want to hear about your ski trip.  Want to get drinks tomorrow?”

- Exercise common sense.  Call during “normal” hours (usually between 10am-11pm), don’t call too much, don’t call when you’re in a loud area, and don’t call when you’re on the shitter.  Common sense, folks, common sense.

- Personalize for her.  Some girls love to talk on the phone and some girls hate it.  During your first 3 dates, ask her how she likes to be contacted.  There are so many ways to reach a person these days (Facebook, text, bbm, IM, twitter), but everyone has their preferred method.

- End the conversation first.  If you make the call, you end the call.  Don’t be a lingerer, that’s annoying.  Once you’ve accomplished your purpose, end swiftly but naturally along the lines of, “Well, I will see you Thursday!  Have a good night.”

Although phone calls appear to be on its way to extinction, it is a bigger deal than you think.  Because phone calls are rare these days, when you do call, it’s a nice, bold gesture.  Plus, it’s one of the best ways to gauge her interest level.  If she’s really into you, she’ll answer the phone/call you back at least once.  If she’s sorta into you, she’ll respond back to your follow-up text.  If she’s not into you, you won’t hear back from her.  I don’t care how busy she is planning for her company’s IPO, if she doesn’t respond after receiving your missed call, she’s not into you.  So therefore, don’t follow-up your follow-up text with a follow-up phone call and another follow-up text.  Creeper.

Facebook Wants Your Fuck List

Facebook sure wants people to hookup.  First, there was the Break-Up Alert, an app where you add your taken friends that you’d like to fuck to your “Watch List.”  When their relationship status changes, you receive a notification.  Then you pounce.  The problem with that app is that so many people don’t have a relationship status on their profile.  I actually recommend that nobody has a relationship status until you’re engaged or married.   Also, sometimes it takes weeks or even months for people to change their status after a breakup.  Usually it’s because nobody wants be the first douche to announce the breakup to the Facebook universe (because everyone cares about your business, so very much).  So, there is precious time wasted between the actual breakup and the official Facebook breakup.  And that’s plenty of time for another dude to swoop in before you.

Now, there’s a new Facebook app called iWould.  Basically, you add your friends you’d like to fuck to a secret “iWould List.”  Then try to convince all your friends to install the app, too.  And if you and your potential fuck buddy have each other on your secret to-do list, you’ll both be notified.  Then you pounce.  Naturally, I was curious about the app (for the sake of research, of course) and used it today.  I made my shopping list within 10 minutes and it was surprisingly pretty easy.  Here was my strategy:

1) Think of the first names that pop into my head and add them immediately to the list.

2) Quickly scroll through all my friends to see if there is anybody I missed.  I didn’t.

3) Double check my list and eliminate anyone who a) is married, b) I know I could hookup with even without this app, or c) does not live within booty-call distance.

What happens next?  I’m wishing for at least one gnarly exchange of emails along the lines of:

“Hey, I got this notification.  Um, yeah.”

“Oh, me too.  Should we grab a drink first?”

“Sure.  So weird ’cause I just saw you yesterday…and now we’re going to have intercourse.”

“Woah, who said we’re gonna have sex?  The app is called iWould.  Like, yeah, I would do you but doesn’t necessarily mean I will.”

“Oh shit, what was the point of that then?  I’m not getting sex from you, and now it’s all awkward.”

“Don’t worry, I just defriended you.”

Party Nipples and My Thoughts on Tits

After my usual dance class, I’m chatting with my friends at Jamba Juice about a girl who doesn’t wear a bra to class.  Then, my friend Shannon brings up “party nipples.”  What’s that?  Apparently in college, before going to frat parties, her friend would flick her nipples so they’d pierce through her shirt and call them “party nipples.”  Besides picturing a chick repeatedly flicking her nipples in the mirror, I also had 2 other thoughts:

- If you’re out and spot a girl with erect nipples, that bitch is ready to party!  Sure, when a girl brings her titties out to play, she’s looking for some attention.  But when a girl invites her nipples to the party?  She means business.  This weekend, go hunting for Party Nips!

- Isn’t it funny how nipples are what define boobies?  If you think about it, the primary makeup of a breast is the mass tissue around the nipple.  However, without nipples, it’s not a certified boob.  Think about it, if you were playing Pictionary and drew two dots side by side, some perv will scream out “Boobs!”  But if you drew two empty circles side by side, some nerd would scream out “Venn diagrams!”  Another example: on TV, censored boobies are always just covered nips.  As if we don’t see the nipples, we’re not actually looking at tits, so it’s OK.  And moreover, it’s female nipples that are considered more inappropriate than male nipples.  I was watching Dr. 90210 where this man was getting surgery to become a woman.  Before the surgery, they showed him with his bare chest.  Then after the surgery, they showed his transformation but censored his nipples because he was a woman.  Thus, his new “woman” nipples had to be covered.  In reality, they were the exact same nips as the one in the before shot.  I guess producers think we’re all fucktards and can’t figure that out.

Anyway, how’s that for some Friday food for thought?  As we head into the weekend, I leave you with this infomercial for a breast shaker that supposedly increases breasts.  A Chinese product called “Top Charming”, of course.  And if you can understand Mandarin, the commentary is beyond amazing.  2:27 “I’m 20, but I look like I’m 12.”

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World of Warcraft Can Get You Laid?!

The joke used to be that playing video games would never get you laid, just fat.  Well, with the advent of MMOs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games), you can get laid!  DISCLAIMER: We here at Singlefied do not advocate playing in the virtual world over the real world. Real tits over virtual tits any day I say!   But, I can bridge the gap between playing a video game and bringing some game to your virtual space.

A lot of people play MMOs and a whole lot of people play World of Warcraft, including lots of women. There are pitfalls of course to pursuing the fairer sex in any MMO.  First you have to weed out the guys who play female characters.  You can usually do this by just chatting with them for a few minutes.  Next you have to realize that there are some female players who are totally below your league and some out of your league (Felicia Day).

Now just like when you created that kinky Draenei Paladin, you need to pick an archetype that will pull the most tail for you in game.

The Knight
The Knight is that guy who wants to save her.  She wants a way out of that horrid relationship you have been listening to in guild chat for months now.  You are her guy.  You will drive over several state borders just to rescue her.  You will be that guy who puts out money for her airfare so she can change her life with you at her side. Y ou are Sir Lancelot.  The downfall of this archetype though is you may end up playing Sir Sucker A Lot if you are not careful to be used and abused (and not the fun way at that).

The Hero
As the Hero you rock at this game and your leadership skills somehow translate to self confidence and game when dealing with her in game.  Your character stands proudly over that last defeated boss with her at your side.  Your sword and her healing skills make for your sword and her vagina.  Tank and then spank! The downfall of this archetype can be ego, when she is better than you at the game.

The Jester
The Jester is a great archetype because if you can play this archetype then you really should turn off the computer more often and go out.  You excel at making her laugh.  Funny gets you laid.  Get a few under your belt but then unplug and try the same in the real world, the transition is much easier.

The Thief
The Thief poses as a better alternative to her than what she currently does have or wants to have.  You listen, you bide your time, and then you strike.  You become what she wants and steals her away from whomever she is currently with.  Your only worry is that he will find you to kick your ass and that living in your parents basement doesn’t really match up to the tale you spun to her.

There ya go Knight-errant, plug in and pull some tail.

Written by: Dick Lambert

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Is Porn Making You Flaccid?

Today I picked up the February 7th issue of New York Magazine and was alarmed by the article “He’s Just Not That Into Anyone” by Davy Rothbart. What alarmed me the most was that I am hearing more and more from women that more and more of the men they encounter seem to have some type of erectile dysfunction be it porn-related or otherwise. Here is my fast rule breakdown if you find yourself flaccid mid game;

She is blowing you then it’s likely her technique and you should gently suggest an adjustment that best suits you.

You are drilling away and suddenly pop out and your missile crashes into the side of her thigh. Ouch! If you don’t recover fast then it’s game over depending on your pain tolerance or maybe you like it when it hurts you sick pup.

You suddenly find yourself flaccid for the first time. Apologize. Then try one more time. If it doesn’t work on the second try then do not proceed to the third try this isn’t baseball regardless of what witty baseball metaphor we have employed in the past.

Sports Psychology that shit right away after you beat a hasty and apologetic retreat reassuring her it isn’t her. What caused it? Was it her? Something turn you off? What? Something on your mind? Has this happened before? If it’s happened before then go talk to a therapist. Take some Viagra. I understand you don’t want to talk about it because then it could actually become an issue but if you see a pattern do something about it.

I’m serious because here is what I hate. I hate when a woman is on my sheets and she has brought you to bed with us. No I don’t mean a threesome, you wish. Since you went flaccid in her head she thinks it’s her so it’s going to screw with her head and thus screw with my time in bed with her until I can take her over the top so she forgets about your noodle. I don’t want to work that hard and I’m the only one who should be doing the screwing on my sheets damn it!

I would also add that you do a real self assessment on how addicted to porn you are and how often you masturbate and if you have ever picked masturbation over having real sex with a real woman. Today the world is always trying to go for things that are more convenient and easier. I am well aware that masturbation is great and convenient as hell. I also wouldn’t be writing for Singlefied if the dating game was a walk in the park either. Assess yourself and regardless of the assessment unplug often from your Sparkwire.com addiction. Enjoy the real thing!

Porn is outrageous entertainment made to titillate and entertain like big blockbuster movies are suppose to be bigger then real life. When and if you ever bang a porn star you will find that their on screen antics at work do not equate to the love making in their relationships 100%, so why compare or hold your girlfriend to false expectation either? I admit to you reader that my most memorable ones weren’t always the wildest but the few quality women whom I would lay next to and admire her for her as the sun came up (and I had to get the fuck out before she woke up).

Stay hard!

Written by: Dick Lambert