Archive for the ‘Rejection’ Category

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Dear Readers,

As we approach the end of 2012 (and apparently the end of the world), it is time to do my one cheesy post of the year.  Here’s the thing: this year has been very interesting for me because I have been challenged about the notion of love, The One, and marriage.  For anyone who knows me, I don’t believe marriage is for everyone.  I don’t believe in love at first sight.  And I certainly don’t believe in loving one person for eternity.  I’m not a romantic.  I’m an Aquarius.  Maybe sometimes I see things a little too…realistically.

However, even with this mindset, stripping romance down to its skeleton, I do believe in one thing: there is someone for everyone.  The universe is fair like that.  We, as humans, are meant to be among other humans.  We’re not meant to be single, forever.

Pairing off is arguably the end goal of dating, but many of you have wondered why it hasn’t happened for you.  Here’s why: you’re looking for the wrong things.  In fact, I believe 90% of singles are all in the same boat.

It’s not your fault because it’s how this dating culture is structured.  The problem is, how we date is based on what we know.  In other words, how we date is based on things that haven’t worked out for us in the past (otherwise, we wouldn’t still be dating, right?).  So if you think about it, how we date should be a constantly evolving activity that opens up to things we don’t know.  Hey, can’t knock it ’til you try it.

One of the questions that annoys me is “what’s your type?”  This question is based on what you’ve experienced in the past, so basically types that haven’t worked out.  Of course you’re going to answer this based on attributes you’ve been attracted to in the past, which has now apparently become “your type.”  Newsflash: that’s not “your type.”  Actually, you have no type, because your type will be that person who you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with.  And you haven’t met her yet.

“OK Miss Singlefied, how do we know what we’re looking for then?”

A client told me the other day that his type is “quirky and social.”  Then proceeded to tell me his “quirky and social” ex-girlfriend dumped him because he didn’t want to go out as much as she did.  You see the problem here?  But then I asked him, why were you attracted to this “quirky and social” girl?  He responded with, “she kept me on my toes.”  BINGO.  See, what he’s looking for in a girl is not necessarily “quirky and social” but rather “someone who…keeps him on his toes.”

So here’s the lightbulb moment.  What you should be looking for is not who she is, but rather how she makes you feel.  Let’s do a practice example translating your old list to the new and improved list:

I am looking for someone….

1) Sexy –> “someone who intensifies my sex drive”

2) Active –> “someone who inspires me to get off the couch”

3) Caring –> “someone who makes me feel cared for”

4) Smart –> “someone who stimulates my intellect”

5) Feminine –> “someone who makes me feel more masculine”

6) Hot –> “someone who makes me feel proud to be around”

(*NOTE: I understand there are many more physical attributes you all have on your list, but the 5’7″ brunette bombshell with a nice ass and light green eyes may make you feel absolutely nothing, other than some temporal penile reaction.  So I’m asking you to keep an open mind when it comes to specific physical traits.)

By shifting your list of attributes to a list of feelings, it gives you concrete things that make you happy while giving leeway to whom this person may be and what she may look like.  And also, this is a list unique to YOU, because only you know when you feel these feelings.  So, if a friend sets you up with someone that you’re not interested in, you don’t have to give a jackass explanation like “she was too short.”  All you have to say is, “I didn’t feel it.”

With that said, thank you all for making me feel inspired, challenged, and stimulated.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!

Sincerely,

Miss Singlefied

Curious about speed dating? Miss Singlefied recommends Hurry Date


Curious about speed dating? Miss Singlefied recommends Hurry Date


Sample scenario:

Buddy: “Yo, what happened with the girl you met on Saturday?”

You: “I got her number.  Texted her on Tuesday.”

Buddy: “Nice.  And?”

You: “Nah.  I mean it’s only been three days.  I know she’s really busy with work.  She works at Google, and you know working there can be a bitch.”

Buddy: “What did you text her?”

You: “I wrote…’Hey, it’s Derek, we met on Sat. Wanna grab drinks Thursday after work?'”

Buddy: “As in yesterday?”

You: “Yeah, but it’s cool because I know she takes yoga pretty often, so I’m sure she was occupied with that yesterday.”

Buddy: “Right, ’cause it’s hard to type out a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when you’re in down doggie style.”

You: “I believe it’s ‘down dog.’  Thanks.  And shit, she might be out of town for work, I know she travels a lot for her job.  Whatever, I texted her again yesterday to see if she’s in town on Saturday.  Nothing back yet, but if anything she’s just playing games.”

Buddy: “Yeah, playing games as in ignoring you?”

You: “No, she’s just making me work for it.  I like that.  Feisty.  Or maybe she didn’t get the text.  She doesn’t have an iPhone, so you know how crappy the other phones are.”

Buddy: [NO RESPONSE]

You: “Dude, she’s a cool girl.  Not like the rest.  She has a busy life.  I think she’s also involved with some sort of volunteer organization.  And her friends from out of town may still be here.  I’ll probably give her a call this weekend.”

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What does a PR agent do?  They cover up their client’s mistakes, highlight the positive points, and distract the public from the truth.  For example, when Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah’s couch like a chimpanzee, PR statements were put out staying he was preparing for a new movie role.  When Kobe was accused of rape, PR statements described him as a “responsible” man who got involved in a conspiracy.  But guess what, you’re not doing PR for the girl you’re pursuing.  Deep down, you know when you’re being rejected, when she’s being a bitch, and when she’s not interested, but for some reason, some of you still feel the need to DEFEND her.  Especially in front of your friends.  Stop making excuses for her because it doesn’t do you any good either.  In the above scenario, you should just face the truth: she’s clearly not interested but gave you her number because she likes the attention.  But c’mon, no response after 2 texts?  That’s just disrespectful and rude.  You shouldn’t have to defend that fact.

So next time, you find yourself defending some chick you’re chasing after, ask yourself, “Do I actually believe this statement?”  And if you don’t, you better fucking be paid for your PR blitz.

Don’t Take It Personally!: The Art of Dealing with Rejection

How To Get The Girl | IGNORE and SCORE: Dating Mindsets Explained – How To Attract And Date Beautiful Women

How To Get The Girl | IGNORE and SCORE: Dating Mindsets Explained – How To Attract And Date Beautiful Women

I’ve been spending some time lately watching a really popular Chinese dating show called “If You’re The One.”  Here’s the basic premise:

- 24 girls, 1 guy

- Girls have the option to either keep their light on (interested) or off (not interested) for the guy.  They can turn their light off whenever they want.

- When the guy first comes out, he secretly picks one girl as his First Impression girl, or literally translated as “The girl that moved my heart.”  This choice is only revealed to the host and people watching at home.

- There then is banter between the host and the bachelorettes, as they unleash their opinions about the bachelor in question.

- At the end of the segment, given that there is more than 1 girl who has her light on still, the bachelor picks 2 girls to find out more info.  In addition, the First Impression girl is thrown into the mix, too, regardless of whether she left her light on or not.

- Result: the bachelor can pick one of the girls to “take away,” but if he chooses his First Impression girl and she did not leave her light on for him, he has to plead for her to give him a chance.

I started watching the show because it’s the type of absurdity that you know would never exist in reality.  For example, the girls are extremely honest with their opinions of the bachelors.  “He’s a little fat.”  “He looks a little gay.”  “I question his fashion sense.”  And my favorite: “He looks poor.”  But when the bachelor is extremely good looking (quite rare), or is an overall great catch, the girls get super desperate.   “It’s my dream to be the perfect wife for you.”  “I will cook for you and bring you food to your office, everyday.”  “I can look a lot prettier if you want me to.”  Basically pleas along the lines of, “I will do everything short of wiping your ass.  OK, I could do that, too.”

So, the most interesting observation I’ve made pertains to how bachelors handle their First Impression girl, the girl who moved their heart.  I would say, of all the episodes I’ve watched, close to 90% of men choose their First Impression girl in the end, regardless of whether she left her light on or not.  And about 99% of time, the girl rejects him.  And the more she says “no,” the more the bachelor ups his game.  Which, then forces the girl to say something devastating cliche like, “Let’s try to be friends first.”  He’s then left empty-handed and publicly humiliated in front of millions of viewers who were rooting for any of the other girls.

What are the takeaways?

One.  Guys are hunters.  HER.  ME WANT.  <good ol’ fashioned chest pounding>

Two.  Girls may not know if you are what they want, but they sure know when you’re NOT what they want.

Three.  When a guy has his eyes on the prize, all other options pale in comparison.

Four.  If a girl rejects a guy, her mind is made up.

Five.  When a guy is faced with rejection, his first inclination is to try harder

Six.  Girls can be dicks, too.

So in the end, if she’s pretty clear that she’s not interested, she’s not interested.  And the energy you spend trying to convince her otherwise should be used to open your eyes to the other “contestants” who are just as great, if not better.

And if you want to waste 10 minutes of  your life…

How To Get The Girl | IGNORE and SCORE: Dating Mindsets Explained – How To Attract And Date Beautiful Women

I highly recommend this book by Dale Carnegie: How To Win Friends and Influence People