Ask Miss Singlefied: How to contact your crush through a mutual friend?

HOW TO: Be Charming

I recently read an article “When Men Lost Their Charm” by Benjamin Schwarz in The Atlantic.  You can probably infer just from the title what the article talked about.  However, despite all the bitching from a male’s POV about the lack of charming men, I decided that it isn’t necessarily hopeless.  Yes, in some ways, charming men are hard to find.  And it is in part because creepy, slick men have raped the meaning of “charm,” creating a false definition of the word that makes women cringe.  Why?  Because nobody taught you HOW to be charming.  You really have no good role models other than George Clooney (who is also cited in the article).  But I would argue that Clooney isn’t quintessentially “charming.”  “Charming men” have a sense of attainability.  Clooney is not attainable, he is “up in the air,” and thus, not truly charming.

So, here’s a quick lesson on charming that I’ve gathered from a collection of personal experiences, articles, and discussions:

1) Be self-aware

Charming men know who they are inside and out.  They know their strengths and weaknesses, and have no problem facing their shortcomings.  A charming man can make fun of his receding hairline, subtle lisp, or poor hand-eye coordination.   He also knows when he can really flaunt his useless trivia, but also admit when he is ignorant about a topic.   In a social situation, it’s a give-and-take scenario of admitting what you know, and being curious to know what you don’t know.  As the article suggests, “[charm] can’t exist in the undeveloped personality.”

2) Exercise detachment and engagement

Again, it’s the give-and-take feeling that you always want to give off.  You always want to engage with the person or persons you’re speaking with.  It’s the respectful thing to do, and it’s that “attainability” factor.  Listen to what they have to say, and offer what you can to add value.  But once the conversation comes to a natural end, politely detach yourself and shift gears.  You’re not that attainable.  The thing a charming man never does is linger.  You never want to overstay your welcome.  It’s almost better to leave them hanging than to be “that guy.”  But once you detach, you must retain as much as you can of that conversation.  It’ll come in handy later.

3) Remember names and key points

I recently had a party where a friend of mine came and didn’t know anybody at the party.  Instead of secluding himself in a corner, he scoped out the room and figured out the social hierarchy.  Who was everybody talking to at the party?  My parents.  He found his jackpot.  Soon enough, he came and asked, “What are your parents’ names and what do they like to talk about?”  After giving him the 411, he successfully charmed my parents who didn’t hesitate to introduce him to the other people at the party.  And furthermore, he retained everyone’s name, face, and key interests to use in conversation.  “Vanessa, I remember you saying you’re into gardening.  Did you know Chuck studied soil science in college?”  See the beauty of that?  Not only did he manage to remember something about this cute girl he had talked to, but he was also able to link common interests and bring people together.  That is the work of a true charmer.

*The article talks about how most men can be socially-retarded because they fail to pay attention: “Even in the most casual conversation, men are too often self-absorbed or mono-focused or- more commonly – guarded, distracted, and disengaged to an almost Aspergerian degree.”  I would have to echo this by saying, when a guy seems too “distracted,” a girl is not going to fully engage in the conversation, and thus, not fully evaluate if the guy could be a romantic potential.  You don’t have to pay attention to every little word, but know the cliffs notes version of the person you’re talking to.

4) Make eye contact

In another Atlantic article, “The Art of Paying Attention,” James Fallows makes an interesting point.  You know how we think kids these days love cell phones?  It seems like babies are playing with iPhones before they begin to walk.  Well, research shows that babies are not fascinated by these gadgets; babies are fascinated by whatever their parents find fascinating.  As he puts it beautifully, “What we’re doing now is modeling a primary relationship with screens and a lack of eye contact with people.”

The most important part of being charming is to make eye contact and not be afraid of it.  Practice first with the barista at Starbucks, or the woman who greets you at Macy’s.  Get in the habit of determining someone’s eye color; be as specific as possible (light brown, dark green, etc).

In the end, being charming comes from an innate confidence to establish oneself in a room, and an innate curiosity to get to know everyone in the room.

Now, go charm the pants off of someone!

 

 

 

Ask Miss Singlefied: How to approach women? 3 effective ways and 3 no-no’s. (Coffee Meets Bagel edition)

The Creeper Sweeper

The Toast and Bolt

Curious about speed dating? Miss Singlefied recommends Hurry Date

Ask Miss Singlefied: How to approach a girl without coming off creepy? (And why is she giving you so much attitude?)

How To Get The Girl | IGNORE and SCORE: Dating Mindsets Explained – How To Attract And Date Beautiful Women

Ask Miss Singlefied: How to date an older woman?

How To Get The Girl | IGNORE and SCORE: Dating Mindsets Explained – How To Attract And Date Beautiful Women

DATING SURVEY RESULTS: Women Want Better Sex; Men Don’t Know What Women Want (And it May Not Matter)

Results of the Dating Survey are in!  We had 100 participants: 41% female and 59% male.  The results are fascinating and somewhat surprising.

*In the survey, participants were asked to give their demographic info (age, location, occupation, employment status, relationship status and sexual preference) and then rank the following qualities in order of importance when evaluating a potential mate: Looks, Personality/Sense of Humor, Job/Salary, Intelligence/Education, and Good in Bed.  Then they were asked to answer the same question according to how they think their opposite sex would respond (this question was added after the survey launched so 10% of participants did not get to answer this question).

Your 2011 Year in Review

2011 was a great year for Singlefied.  We officially launched the blog, created great partnerships, attracted worthy attention from the press, started the successful show Ask Miss Singlefied, and ended the year with a sexy write-up on Jackfroot.com.  But most importantly, we met you.  Thank you for your support, feedback, stories and discussions.  As a thank you, let’s review all the popular posts from 2011 that will make your dating life even better in 2012 [given that the world does not fucking end].

Who are you?

Get to know yourself: the good, the bad, the ugly.

How to stop being victimized as the nice guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where are you?

With each new year means movement in your Dating Timeline.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who are women?

How do women think differently.

How to talk to her.

How she becomes attracted to you.

How to handle hot, bitchy women.

How to tell when she’s truly interested.

How to handle rejection.

Why she swallows.

 

 

 

What do women like in bed?

Learn from porn for women.

How to keep your dick hard.

 

 

 

 

 

Tools of dating:

Online dating

Speed dating

What colors to wear on a date

Handling the ex

Coping with heartbreak

The Creeper Sweeper

 

 

 

WARNINGS

5 things that won’t get you another date

Curse of the buffet (dating too many women at once)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SpeedDating(SM): A Timesaving Guide to Finding Your Lifelong Love

The Last Dick

Written By: Dick Lambert

Sorry, I haven’t been posting my adventures recently. I am going to catch you all up and also say goodbye, as this will be Dick’s last post.

I recently, had a house guest for a few weeks. A friend of mine from high school is getting divorced and he needed some time to recharge his testosterone at my man cave. Nothing cures a discouraged heart better than getting right back on top of or behind another woman, so we set out with Operation Wingman.

Operation Wingman has a few key ingredients: one is a dive bar where the drinks are good n cheap, two the women are plentiful, and three a friend who knows the fine art of wingmanship. I was looking forward to helping Ned out because he was going through a tough time, while he is handsome, Ned is an awful closer. Plus Ned hadn’t really seen the full Dick in action so I was going to show off a bit.

We hit the bar at 11:30 pm enough time for anyone there to have already gotten a buzz on. Ned eyed two women he was interested in and in a brazen move walked right up one and started chatting her up. Ned was just plowing through trying to be bold. I had to rescue him as he was like a bull in a fine china shop. Once I reared him in and helped him get his drink on we casually saddled up next to his second pick, let the games begin!

I wish I had a good name for this particular wingman technique, your suggestions are welcome. I played to perfection the role of funny but obnoxious friend that goes a little to far. I started the ice breaker off by talking about an unusual viewpoint on the movie Forrest Gump. I then poll those around us, lo and behold the woman Ned is interested in. No matter what her opinion I tease her, disagree, and bust her as much as possible in a playful manner. The wingman is great because you are loose and on your game because you don’t care, there is no pressure for yourself. I say playing the wingman role is great practice in general for picking up woman. Now, here comes the tricky part, you want to make Ned seem smarter, funnier, and a better choice. You do not want to flip her to yourself that usually causes problems between you and Ned. I make sure this doesn’t happen by occasionally pushing things in the kidding around a little to far and there is Ned to rescue her, offer her a smoke outside, another drink, and a dance all to rescue her from my sinister clutches.

Ned is such a bad closer that he goes outside for a smoke without her. I tell her straight out look what you have done. My good friend from way back is outside by himself, smoking while you are in here being made fun of by me. I think there has to be some sort of rule that you aren’t following, do you leave your girlfriends alone to brave the women’s room alone? Im pretty sure you aren’t suppose to leave Ned alone. She complies because by this time she knows the dynamics of our group, I’m the funny but obnoxious one, Ned is the very funny (laugh extra hard when you are the wingman), employed traveler.

By the end of the evening I invite all to the diner for some grease to settle stomachs. I of course make up some outlandish reason my car is full and I have to stop home so Ned and her will have to ride together. They never make it to the diner and Ned gets his freak on at her place for the next three days; my man cave is mine alone!

I have also been hard at work breaking into an ex’s new circle of friends at belly dancing class. I have met the women after class at the local bar on two occasions. I have shown I am funny, smart, tall, handsome, man of means who can thrive in a pack of sexually aggressive liberated belly dancing women. My X is doing her part of the wingman by downplaying we use to go out ages and ages ago. I’m torn between two of her friends. The belly dancing instructor herself or the young Latin gal. I even come to the performance showcase and afterwards close the dance floor with them. By the way this is the best advice about dancing with a woman I have ever seen.

I start a little dance circle, a little conga line, and just have silly fun. The young Latin girl is into me and the belly dancing instructor takes every opportunity to check me out, impressed I can have fun dancing. I eventually choose the young Latin woman, Marisa.
I figure I can always come back to the dance instructor.

I bring all the A game to my first date with Marisa. Our first date is the gun range and drinks or what I like to call Shooting and Shots (in that order always!). If you have never shot a rifle or pistol before you should go with some of your friends. It makes for a fun first date because its exciting, you can show off a little, on a primal level guns are sexy, men who can handle themselves with a firearm is sexy, and a woman with a gun is sexy, its win-win. I also like the gun range because you can have a lot of fun with body language and some non-creepy touching. Help her grip the pistol, help her spread her legs even with her shoulders, shift her hips to the side, look down sight, control your breathing, and lean into the recoil. Afterwards we are doing shots high on the excitement from the range and then down the street from her parents’ house, making out in my car.

Here comes the part where I explain why this is my last post. I got a lot of high fives from Ned, my other friends, and some great feedback from our readers, and of course Miss Singlefied herself. Meanwhile, through this I started dating this one woman who I met online. I’m not going to even make up a name for her here. We have been on three dates and haven’t even hooked up yet. Out of all the ladies: Marisa, belly dancing instructor, and the others along the way I’m more myself around her, I make all the mistakes I implore you not to make in my previous posts. I think I have reached a time where I find if I play the game too well I outplay the organic development of any real connection or feelings. Marisa and I played a perfect game but it wasn’t much of a challenge, I wasn’t being myself, I was really just Dick Lambert looking to win and score, somehow more and more it feels unnatural and I feel alone. By playing the game too much and too well you play yourself out of romance and love, like the difference between a delicious homemade cherry pie and a diet artificial supermarket cherry pie if there was such a thing.

Playing the game is fun, but with the girl who really matters, you just have to play yourself. Gentlemen, it has been an absolute pleasure.

Happy New Year.

An Inside, Uncensored Look at Miss Singlefied

I was recently interviewed and profiled by JackFroot.com.  I promised I wouldn’t hold anything back.  And I didn’t…

________________________________________________

Up Close and Personal with Miss Singlefied

STAN KARR YEUNG
If Will Smith’s character from the 2005 movie Hitch were a real person, he would be a she, and she would be Chinese and hot. Everything else is pretty much the same, minus the story line and plot, actually only the part where Hitch helps guys with dating advice is the same.

Read the rest here

How To Get The Girl | IGNORE and SCORE: Dating Mindsets Explained – How To Attract And Date Beautiful Women

The Art of Conversation I: Start an Adventure

This is what I always hear from guys, “Yue, it’s very easy to find attractive women, but why is it so hard to have a decent conversation with any of them?”  Sure, we can blame it on lack of brains and social prowess, getting by on looks alone, or overall disinterest in being interesting.  But after taking this course about the art of conversation, I have to say that it’s because most people are terrible conversationalists!  Including yours truly.  And here’s how you know you are a great conversationalist: you never have a boring conversation.

Recently I discovered Life Labs, an organization that offers classes for adults beyond the classroom basics.  As they put it, “We are an incubator for ideas on living wisely and well, offering courses, labs, and events for the common good.”  Some of the courses include The Seeing Lab (detecting micro-expressions), The Coolness Lab (what makes someone cool?), and the course I took, The Yapper Lab (the art of conversation).  Too bad they’re only offered in New York, but you could always request them in your town.

So is it possible to never have a boring conversation?  Apparently so.  And that’s why I’m going to share what I learned in class with you guys in The Art of Conversation series.

For this first post, let’s start with the “big picture.”  Here are some tidbits to keep in mind every time you start a convo:

- View every conversation as an adventure

• A lot of guys view talking as a chore.  That’s the wrong mindset, buddy.  Conversing is a process of discovery.  If you talk to every girl you meet as potentially the most fascinating conversation to be had, you’ll be excited to yapper.

- Your goal is to talk about something you’ve never talked about before

• Dating nowadays is like going on job interviews.  The same topics are discussed over and over again.  I remember going on a date once where this guy was literally like, “OK, so what’s your story? Where are you from?  What do you do?  Where did you go to school? Blah blah blah.”  It made me wish I didn’t waste my time shaving my legs that day.  Yes, these topics are the basics and should be discussed, but doesn’t all have to vomit out at once.  A conversation is a free flow of information driven by topics.  If “where are you from” leads to a conversation about racist blind people, then that’s what you should discuss.  The fun part is to spontaneously end on something you’ve never talked about before – such as, well, racist blind people.

- Everyone is able to talk about something interesting – you just have to discover what “sparks” them

• In the class, the instructor showed us an observational study of a group of kids who didn’t know each other, socializing in a room.  All the kids had pretty standard conversations with each other – favorite toy, favorite color, favorite teacher, etc.  However, there was one 6-year-old girl, we’ll call her Suzie, who everyone enjoyed talking to.  In fact, they all voted her as the person they liked talking to the most.  What was Suzie’s secret?  Suzie asked interesting “spark questions” that made the other kids more engaged, such as “When did you first know you were no longer a baby?”  Suzie’s enticing questions stemmed from her natural curiosity and creative thinking.

- You don’t have to be interesting; you just have to be interested

• In today’s world of cell phones, iPads, iPods, the internet, humans are constantly competing for each others’ attention.  People just want to be heard.  In multiple research studies presented in the class, it showed that people enjoyed having conversations with those who seemed genuinely interested, even if they contributed little or no words.  I find that on dates, we’re constantly trying to impress each other with how interesting we could be.  The problem is, nothing gets heard.  Don’t stress yourself out so much with trying to find the next interesting topic that will blow her mind.  Sit back, relax, and just listen.

- A great conversationalist takes practice

• You’re not gonna be awesome overnight (stop crying).   So, this week, I urge everyone to take the following challenge:

PRACTICE “STICKY EYES” – Make a point to notice the eye color of everyone you speak to.  This is a precursor to showing you’re interested in what they’re talking about.  But be careful, “sticky eyes” does not equate to “creeper eyes.”  Staring? Baaad.  Strong eye contact? Goood.  Also, her eyes are up here.

I highly recommend this book by Dale Carnegie: How To Win Friends and Influence People