Julia: So…how was your date last night with Blake?
Diane: Oh it was nice, we met up at this bar downtown and we just caught up on his trip to Aspen. Then we had sex.
Julia: Yeaaaah? Was it good?
Diane: It was fun, I mean, he’s biiiig.
Julia: Oh shit, like how big?
Diane: Like, I can jack him off with two hands and there’s still plenty of room left for a third hand, or my mouth. But I didn’t blow him because he’s huge and my jaw was tired from all the talking we did earlier, and I chowed down a big salad. Hahaha.
Julia: So, he was good?
Diane: I mean, the man has a beautiful penis…when erect. But he couldn’t stay up the whole time, especially when he was in me. And so it just became this big floppy sausage swimming in and out of me to the point where it was just chafing my clit instead of stimulating it. I had to stop it and tell him I was tired. Went home and watched Youporn instead.
Julia: OMG, what a waste of a big penis. Sounds familiar though. I had tree stump penis last weekend. Remember Scott, my sister’s friend? Not that he went soft, but he just didn’t know what the fuck to do with it. All he knew was the porn thrust – you know when you go in-and-out really fast like a fucking dog in heat? It hurt! I just wanted him to slow down and take his time penetrating me, but he was fucking like it was a video game. Like the faster he humped, the more points he’d get or something. And it’s not like I don’t like rough sex, but I need variety in speed AND positions!
Diane: Ewww, and that’s when you just flip over and sit on his face. At least his tongue can’t be as violent.
Julia: Um…that’s exactly what I did. That was a waste of a tree stump. I miss Magic Dick Danny.
Diane: MAGIC DICK DANNY! The little engine that could. He was how small again?
Julia: Well, one-hand-jerk-off without any wiggle room. So I guess it was more like the one-hand-twist. But that man knew how to put me in all the right positions to hit my G-spot. He just knew how to use it and was able to get deep penetration. I never had to sit on his face.
Diane: He had a magic stick. I still haven’t found mine. Did I tell you about the Olympic dick I hooked up with a month ago?
Julia: Olympic dick?
Diane: This guy’s dick was so fucking big and hard that it could probably lift weights. It was like an Olympic athlete, I was scared out of my mind. We were hooking up and all of a sudden I feel this hard, fist-like creature poking into my inner thigh. This thing was so huge that I think it could have gone right through me. I couldn’t do it girl, I just couldn’t bring myself to ride that beast. I think it would’ve been the closest pain to child birth. My arm was tired from jacking it off and I don’t think my mouth could physically open that wide, so I didn’t bother with that either.
Julia: Good call, your teeth would’ve definitely scraped him.
Diane: And I would’ve choked and died. So I told him I just wanted to cuddle, and he asked if I was a virgin.
Julia: You know what you need? A grow-er, not a show-er. So they start off small and sweet, and then they get all big and aggressive while inside you.
Diane: BAM! Let’s go find me a grow-er.
Julia: Done and done.
I don’t know if it was Ricki Lake who coined the phrase, “It’s not the size of the ocean, it’s the motion of the ocean” on her talk show in the late 90′s, but that’s the moral of the story here. You could have the best tool in the toolbox, but if you don’t know how to use it, it’s a waste. There are many ways of stimulating a girl in bed, and the size of your cock takes a backseat to staying hard, manhandling, foreplay, oral sex and dirty talk.