The Dating Timeline (who you should be dating at your age)

Posted: 02/22/2011 by Singlefied in Dating
Tags: , , , , ,

I’ve spent years gathering the dating timeline of men and women, and this is a rough draft of what I’ve gathered.  For those of you who are graphically-challenged, this is how you read this chart:

If you’re not married by [insert age rage], this is what you’re thinking [insert words below age range].  Then follow the red arrow(s) to which women you should be dating.

Let’s go through each age range for males, shall we?

22-24: First couple years of out college feel so good.  You’re a man.  A real man.  Making real money.  Dude, you’re ready for a family because that’s what men do.  You should be dating —> 31-34 year old chicks because they’re real women, and they’ll make you feel more like a man.  Plus, they’re ready to get serious.

25-27: Your quarterlife crisis begins with you being screwed over by some chick who you thought could be wifey.  She did something terrible…maybe cheat on you, leave you for your best friend, or run off to Europe, never to be heard from again.  Fuck that cunt.  You want to stick your penis wherever you can, because it somehow feels like revenge.  You should be dating fucking —> 25-35+ year old chicks because they want your penis in them.  Especially the cougars.

28-30: The aftershock of the quarterlife crisis.  You want to give your cock a break and re-evaluate where you are in life.  Maybe this is a good time for a career change, go back to school or even relocation.  You’re ready to reclaim your role as a man again, and it would be nicer to have a woman by your side.  You should be dating —> 28-30 year old females because they’re going through the same thing.

31-34: The now improved version of you has reawakened your penile gallantry.  You may be balding and your gut may be growing, but shit, you’re making more money and your job title is impressive.  Your penis yearns for tight pussy and tight pussy you shall receive.  You should be dating —> 22-24 year old girls because they mistaken your age for maturity and power and 25-27 year old hussies because your “status” somehow makes them feel empowered.  Plus, they’re hussies.

35+: Dating crazy bitches when you were young was fun, but now you just don’t have the energy for it.  After the last 22-year-old faked her own suicide to get you to stay with her, you realize that you’re too old for this shit.  Marriage, all of a sudden, seems a lot easier.  You should be dating marrying —> 31-35 year old women because they’re worn out too.  Time to raise that white flag and give in to this institution called “marriage.”

Obviously, this is not representative of everyone, but it holds true for the majority of daters I’ve observed.  The one thing I would say is universal is the chronological order of the stages (given that you’re not married at each stage).  And the other thing that holds true is that NEVER seriously date a girl who has not gone through her slutty stage.  You’re just asking for heartbreak.  And herpes.

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Comments
  1. Datingisms says:

    […] on a dating timeline.  You may just not be aware of your’s. LikeBe the first to like this post.▶ No […]

  2. Carlton Rand says:

    Classic material!

  3. […] if you remember from my Dating Timeline, most of you will go through a period of dating older.  For some of you, it may stick for a while […]

  4. […] With each new year means movement in your Dating Timeline. […]

  5. Ken says:

    That.. is very accurate! but what about women 35+? who do they end up marrying?

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