In response to my post of How to Spot Gold Diggers, many of you wrote in and asked how you can become a gold digger. If this is the career direction you’ve chosen to explore, who am I to stop you? Here’s how:
1) Lower your standards. A rich, hot girl will just attract richer men. But a rich, not-so-hot girl wants to buy the affections of someone more attractive.
2) Know your target. There’s a big difference between old money and new money. You don’t want a rich girl who’s from new money. They’re more protective of their shit. A girl from old money grew up taking money for granted, so she’s more generous with her Benjamins. The Old Money Girl lives in a fancy apartment that has been passed down for generations. She went to an Ivy League school (Yale) and is currently getting her MBA at the rival Ivy League school (Harvard). She doesn’t really need to make money but daddy has so many connections at McKinsey from yacht club that it’s hard to pass up a job offer. And oh, her great grandmother’s 7-carat engagement ring is ready for you, whenever you want to propose.
3) Find your target. She’ll be at the hottest spots in the city. She hates it because she knows nobody will hit on her, especially when she hangs out with her best friends (since childhood) Perky Tits and Malibu Barbie. But she goes, because these are the places her friends drag her to. You can spot her right away. She’ll be the ugly one in a group full of JAPS.
4) Hit on her aggressively. She won’t be used to it and she’ll love the attention. Compliment her full lips and piercing eyes, even if she doesn’t. Tell her she smells like heaven even with her pit stains are showing through her shirt. Make shit up ’cause she’ll eat it up.
5) Embrace your poorness. This girl always gets set up by daddy with guys from the yacht club who’d rather fuck supermodels, because they can. She’s jaded by her own kind, so she wants something totally different. She wants to feel important and needed. Brag about how you’re a starving artist, you live paycheck-to-paycheck, but how you have big plans if only you had money. BAM! You’re now her new project, she wants to help you.
6) Pay in sex. This lonely girl just wants affection, not your money. Make sure when she hands over that credit card at Per Se or surprises you with a new XBOX, you fuck her until she can’t walk. So she can brag about it to Perky Tits and Malibu Barbie the next day.
7) Consider her an investor. Gold digging is a business transaction. Spend her money wisely on things worthwhile. Maybe you’re trying to start a business, want to invest in a restaurant, or are going to grad school. And although no real feelings are involved, there’s respect you must give to your business partner.
Just like any business transaction, there’s a deadline. Know how long your project will take and break up with her as soon as it’s done. The best excuse is that now you need to focus your energy on your work and won’t have time for her. She’ll admire your work ethic and maybe get you in touch with daddy’s connections. Daddy’s connections will also have ugly, rich daughters to support your next endeavor.
Remember though, that the main rule when digging for gold, is that make sure there is gold to be had. Don’t settle for copper. Multimillionaire uglies are where you should be aiming.